Page 2 of 2 [ 24 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2

Shadi2
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 9 Nov 2010
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,237

25 Feb 2012, 3:39 pm

I think you shouldn't worry about it, your reaction is pretty much normal, even for a NT, the guy was your brother's friend, not your best friend. Personally I would try to comfort my brother if he was sad about it, but it wouldn't really affect me personally. Your death probably wouldn't have affected that guy much either.

Its not just an Aspie thing not to be very affected or saddened by the death of people you barely know and/or are not close to, mainly people who are not close to the deceased and go to the funeral home (or whatever the family does to honor the person who died) do this to show their respect and support for the deceased' family and friends. You simply have to respect their feelings, you don't have to actually feel as sad as them yourself.


_________________
That's the way things come clear. All of a sudden. And then you realize how obvious they've been all along. ~Madeleine L'Engle


khaos
Toucan
Toucan

User avatar

Joined: 22 Feb 2012
Gender: Female
Posts: 267
Location: United States

25 Feb 2012, 4:57 pm

It has been like that with several people, some who were cousins and such. I have been around them a few times yeah, but I wasn't upset or even cared. I went to their memorials/funerals. But that was about it.

BUT...I didn't even get that upset when my dad died. Found out he was only my step dad about a month or so before he died, but still I grew up with him. That was the only father I knew. Still wasn't that upset. Of course he wasn't one of my "comfort" persons, but still. I might have been more upset if he was one of my "comforts". IDK.



Shellfish
Velociraptor
Velociraptor

User avatar

Joined: 6 Nov 2011
Age: 44
Gender: Female
Posts: 485
Location: Melbourne, Australia

25 Feb 2012, 6:04 pm

My guess in this sort of scenario, most people wouldn't be sad within themselves but would imagine how devastating it would be for the family and loved ones of the person who had died. Your grandmother, for example, would imagine being the mother or grandmother of a 25YO dying in tragic circumstances and is therefore feeling empathy (as do I, as a parent).


_________________
Mum to 7 year old DS (AS) and 3 year old DD (NT)


Jtuk
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Jan 2012
Age: 42
Gender: Male
Posts: 732
Location: Wales, UK

26 Feb 2012, 5:31 am

I still remember my initial reaction to my boss phoning to say a colleague had been killed in a car wreck.. "your joking?" (in an incredulous voice) it wasn't the right thing to say on any level.

Callista has made some great points about death and grief. There is no normal. Everyone seems to react at different speeds.

The only slightly odd behaviour I have with death is that I keep checking, I'm still alive and working out what percentage through my life I am compared to average life expectancies, this is more frequent when I'm depressed.

Jason



nemorosa
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 5 Aug 2010
Age: 48
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,121
Location: Amongst the leaves.

26 Feb 2012, 6:14 am

Shellfish wrote:
My guess in this sort of scenario, most people wouldn't be sad within themselves but would imagine how devastating it would be for the family and loved ones of the person who had died. Your grandmother, for example, would imagine being the mother or grandmother of a 25YO dying in tragic circumstances and is therefore feeling empathy (as do I, as a parent).


You're confirming then that people do or should feel something. What is the difference between "sad within themselves" and "feeling empathy"?

Perhaps I'm confused because I have difficulty understanding my own emotional state and seem to have a rather limited range. It seems to me I'd have to be actively thinking about other people and I almost never do this as it is just not something my brain does of it's own accord.



nemorosa
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 5 Aug 2010
Age: 48
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,121
Location: Amongst the leaves.

26 Feb 2012, 6:19 am

Jtuk wrote:
The only slightly odd behaviour I have with death is that I keep checking, I'm still alive and working out what percentage through my life I am compared to average life expectancies, this is more frequent when I'm depressed.
Jason


When I was deeply depressed (though before I was aware of how badly I was suffering) I had constant intrusive thoughts about death. Not about suicide or killing anyone, but dwelling on my own limited span and a pervasive fear of how it could strike at any time.



jcsesecuneta
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 24 Feb 2012
Age: 38
Gender: Male
Posts: 37
Location: Philippines

26 Feb 2012, 9:40 am

Same here, I'd say it's normal.

In my case it's like this: People who are close to me, some even blood relatives or family friends, I have no reaction at all. I mean, "okay, they died, thank you for the news" then I continue what I was doing before I was distracted.

Then people who are not close to me. People I've known only online, for example, in a community or open-source project, I get all sad and crying. Like someone disappeared in my life, "deleted" from existence, but I don't know why I'm emotional over it. Even one of our pet, when the dog died, I got overly emotional about it - I'm not close with that particular pet - heck he bit me like 4 times, I alway stayed away from him. But when he passed away, I was like the saddest person in human history - it took me weeks to recover from that deep sadness.

I can't even imagine myself crying over my immediate family. I am not even sure if I will cry if my future-wife passes away. I just don't know why I should cry. Should I cry because: "you're so unfair, you moved on, now without worries, and left me here still have to worry about life"?? I don't see any reason why I should waste time crying over people who are probably happy now. For me, they are the ones who have the rights to cry - to cry for us who are still living in this world.

That's me. But I'll help if I see someone got into an accident because I'm a VSL also (Visual-Spatial Learner). I can easily put myself into the shoes of people who are experiencing physical pain. But emotional? Nah, not me. If you open up to me about relationships, I'll answer you back bluntly - move on, leave him, stop whining, stop crying, end-of-discussion. It was only a few ago that I learned to control myself saying those words, when I found out it isn't a "social norm". "Oh, I have to feel empathy? Okay, empathy it is."

So yep, your reaction is normal. You haven't have closed ties with him for a long, long time. He wasn't part of your world anymore, so it's normal to react "so-so".

:)


_________________
MBTI: INFP
Learning Type: VSL
Handedness: Left
Aspie/NT score: 154:41
AQ: 35

The Hæven of John?: http://jcsesecuneta.com
gameshogun?: http://gameshogun.ws

Add Me: https://frndc.com/~jcsesecuneta
Follow Me: http://parlementum.net/jcsesecuneta


AldousH
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 5 Oct 2010
Age: 33
Gender: Male
Posts: 172
Location: SE Europe

26 Feb 2012, 10:07 am

This is normal for everybody. It's somewhat similar to what a Cracked columnist duped "the monkey circle". The research and theory where not his of course :lol: It states that the number of members in a group of primates is directly proportional to their brain/body ratio. We can't know what the original number of individuals in a natural human group was from anything else then this abduction. It places it at around 250 individuals (maybe that's the reason why in the military ideatic objects meant to increase a sense of camaraderie - such as unit history and insignia - are only used for regimental sized units and above) and those 250 individuals are the only ones your brain can truly give empathy towards at any given time.
I do have doubts as to the universality of this claim, but we can safely assume that your brother's friend that you haven't seen in 10 years was well out of your "monkey circle".