How do aspie aspie males show interest in a girl?

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GlendaGoodWitch
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26 Feb 2012, 11:06 am

Grisha wrote:
GlendaGoodWitch wrote:
I read that aspie males can sometimes run away from the object of their affection if they do not know what to say or fear what they will say will offend us.


I obviously don't speak for every Aspie male, but this is a huge issue for me.

I have a huge fear that anything I say/do will be interpreted to have a meaning which is the polar opposite of what I intended, also that something I say/do which I believe to be trivial or innocuous will turn out to be deeply offensive to the other person.

This is NOT an irrational fear, it has been borne out time and time again in my real-world experience - to the extent that I have come to believe that it is practically impossible for me to grow/sustain a romantic relationship.

If that is the dynamic which is occurring in your situation, it is absolutely imperative that you understand it and respond with the proper restraint and/or patience to allow him to become comfortable with you and gain an intellectual understanding of your thoughts/feelings/moods in a way which is normally "automatic" and intuitive for NTs.

I hope this helps, and good luck! :)


Thank you all for your honesty.

Yes, exactly. I understand that in the past people (and especially girls) may have mocked or embarassed him. I'm not a cruel person, far from it.



Last edited by GlendaGoodWitch on 02 Mar 2012, 9:55 am, edited 1 time in total.

GlendaGoodWitch
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26 Feb 2012, 11:12 am

Tequila wrote:
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I know that he likes my baking, so I was planning on baking again and giving some, but this time including my email and asking him to email what he thinks, so as to give him a different forum (if you will) to express himself in written form where processing is easier for him.


He may not make the connection - i.e. he may compliment you on your baking but not go further.


I realize that; however, I know myself pretty well that I can work some other things in ... and get around to saying how much I enjoying talking w/ him, yada, ydad, yada ...



Tequila
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26 Feb 2012, 11:20 am

GlendaGoodWitch wrote:
I realize that; however, I know myself pretty well that I can work some other things in ... and get around to saying how much I enjoying talking w/ him, yada, ydad, yada ...


No. How about just saying that you really enjoy talking to him (make this tender and interested) and perhaps give him some baking along with the e-mail address? I'd get that. :)



GlendaGoodWitch
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26 Feb 2012, 11:25 am

Tequila wrote:
GlendaGoodWitch wrote:
I realize that; however, I know myself pretty well that I can work some other things in ... and get around to saying how much I enjoying talking w/ him, yada, ydad, yada ...


No. How about just saying that you really enjoy talking to him and perhaps give him some baking along with the e-mail address? I'd get that. :)


Do you think that would give him permission to open up to me? Can I actually say: "I really enjoy talking with you. I think you are sweet."

I am quite open to suggestions and plans. And that is why I am posting ... to understand and to acquaint myself with such that I have no experience with. Thank you.



Tequila
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26 Feb 2012, 11:34 am

GlendaGoodWitch wrote:
I am quite open to suggestions and plans. And that is why I am posting ... to understand and to acquaint myself with such that I have no experience with. Thank you.


I don't know; I don't know the man well enough. You sound like you're going the right way about it though by trying to boil the frog.



GlendaGoodWitch
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26 Feb 2012, 11:44 am

Tequila wrote:
GlendaGoodWitch wrote:
I am quite open to suggestions and plans. And that is why I am posting ... to understand and to acquaint myself with such that I have no experience with. Thank you.


I don't know; I don't know the man well enough. You sound like you're going the right way about it though by trying to boil the frog.


Thanks, that's why I stopped him the other day. I would have none of that complacency. We have our own saying in education -- true learning/growth occurs when one is challenged and "ready." I think that's why I have gotten even at least thus far.



MisterSpock
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26 Feb 2012, 11:57 am

If I notice a girl paying me particular attention, I go into hyper analytical mode. I look over all the interactions we had (many many times) and try to see if there is 'romantic intent'. I know if it were me, obvious flirting would clearly get the message across.



spongy
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26 Feb 2012, 12:55 pm

If I like a girl I do my best to show her that I would be interested in getting to know her better
This may involve:
-Lots of staring
-Looking for excuses to try to strike up a conversation
...


After my interest in her is clear enough I try to propose a non-threatening activity(coffee at a public place/whatever seems most likely to get a yes) and see how they react and try to work from there with awful results most of the times.



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26 Feb 2012, 10:42 pm

Another reason he may not compliment the cookies is logic.
You gave cookies; since you gifted them away, they must be have passed your passing-grade requirements (AKA you thought of them as good); since you know they are good, there is no reason for me to tell you the obvious that: 'they were good!'.

Due to this aspie logic, a lot of people need to be taught it is okay and safe to do. In fact, it is neglecting when not done! ^^;


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jim_jones
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27 Feb 2012, 1:03 am

I would tell him you have one day to live and want sex NOW!



GlendaGoodWitch
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27 Feb 2012, 10:50 am

jim_jones wrote:
I would tell him you have one day to live and want sex NOW!


That's just crass. I honestly care how to communicate with this man.



Tequila
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27 Feb 2012, 10:55 am

Infoseeker wrote:
Another reason he may not compliment the cookies is logic.


Yup - plus he may not wish to say anything negative. It might be very difficult to get him to talk. Do you not have interests that you both have in common that you can discuss earnestly?



Luska
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27 Feb 2012, 10:59 am

GlendaGoodWitch wrote:
Hi. I'm an NT gal who is currently crushing on an aspie guy.

I do not work with him but I see him every morning on our commute to work since Sept. We walk the same route but in opposite directions. From the first time I saw him on my morning route, he satred at me with a lovelorn face and did so for months. I tried to say hi, but he looke dpretied both times. It took me 5 months to get him to say hi to me. I know he has aspergers ... he sometimes walks with a swing in his arm, has a soft voice which leads me to ask him to repeat what he just said, has almost walked into traffic, doesn;t know I exist if he is talking to a co-worker (mind you, his co-worker is just listening not talking himself), mirrors my waves exactly, had a panic attack (laughed nervously when I introdiced myself to him, thrust his arm to the side in a arm flap and ran away from me), is very socially awkward but extrenely sweet and gentle when I speak with him. He smiles at me and blushes now.

I read that aspie males can sometimes run away from the object of their affection if they do not know what to say or fear what they will say will offend us. I gave him a Valentine Day's gift. I had baked for work and set some aside for him with a note that said: It is in my nature to be both kind an dgenerous to others, esp those I like. With that said, enjoy." A few days later when I saw him he tried to avoid me, but I approached nonetheless as I also read that aspie males apprecaiate when their crushes approach them, especially because they get nervous, and that this usually helps them relax and bit and engage in conversation. And he did engage me, even telling me "business" to which I asked for a clarificationa dn he told me I should open my own business with my baked goods. He even smiled and looked back while we were parting. It was obvious that he was nervous; I had a feeling when I saw him that morning that he didn;t know what to say. While speaking to him I was cognizant of asking him to clarify, asking yes or no questions, even made a joke which he got and laughed, wished me a happy valentine's day 9 days after the fact.

A friend of mine who has a n aspie friend tells me that bc my crush tried to avoid me that he isn;t interested as he should be obsessed with me after the cookies. As I tried to explain to her, the cookies were a way of letting him know more about me and who I am as a person. I didn;t want to write -- I am attracted to you -- and send the por guy I've spoken with a few times into a panic attack. I try to approach evry 2 weks hoping to build up a rapport and to get him used to me to open up. My co-worker(who has family members with aspergers) tells me he is warming up to me bc he is comfortable enough to be uncomfortable around me and that if he didn;t like me he wouldn't have engage me at all, let alone give me high praise.

My friend has told me that because he hasn't approached me to tell me how great my cookies were and is not acting obsessed with me that I should just leave him alone ... and I tend to think that is v. bad advice as I was very sick in early feb and out of work. When I returned my crush was v. apprehensive around me s if I rejected him ... and i was like -- I WAS SICK WITH A FEVER!

So, how does an aspie male show interest?


The aspie male does not show interest right away most of the time.

There is an NT girl who has a crush on me. Secretly i REALLY want to tell her how sweet that is but as an aspie male Im not afraid of asking her out to return the favor. Im actually more afraid that if I open my mouth she'll realize she crushed on a weirdo and the chance will be gone for me. :(

Chances are, as an aspie this is one of the few opportunities he will ever have in his entire life to get even close to a female relationship and he already struugles in normal relationships that bpeople take for granted. It's not that he's not interested. He's actually more afraid of "losing an opportunity of a lifetime" so he probably spends a lot of time trying to calculate what he should do in that situation. He's not comfortable with you yet because he thinks that you might reject him in the future (MAny Aspie NT relationships fail).

All you have to do is reassure him. he's actually just afraid he might offend you. JUST BE DIRECT and tell him that you just want to hang out with him.

Oh and important INDIRECTLY let him know that you have a crush on him by telling someone who might know him. Just say it. Aspie boys LOVE that.



Tequila
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27 Feb 2012, 11:01 am

Luska wrote:
JUST BE DIRECT and tell him that you just want to hang out with him.


Very direct but not aggressive but friendly is the way to get through to him. Or directly through a very close friend - perhaps his friend will be cruder about it than you would like, but same difference.

Fortes fortuna adiuvat.



Luska
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27 Feb 2012, 11:11 am

Tequila wrote:
Luska wrote:
JUST BE DIRECT and tell him that you just want to hang out with him.


Very direct but not aggressive but friendly is the way to get through to him. Or directly through a very close friend - perhaps his friend will be cruder about it than you would like, but same difference.

Fortes fortuna adiuvat.


Yes that's what I mean. thanks for clarifying right away.