how long is the longest acceptable shutdown?

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longest allowable shutdown
not allowed at all 0%  0%  [ 0 ]
a few minutes 3%  3%  [ 1 ]
a few hours 10%  10%  [ 4 ]
a day or so 18%  18%  [ 7 ]
a few days 25%  25%  [ 10 ]
a week or two 28%  28%  [ 11 ]
a few weeks or a month 5%  5%  [ 2 ]
a few months 5%  5%  [ 2 ]
half a year or so 0%  0%  [ 0 ]
more than half a year 8%  8%  [ 3 ]
Total votes : 40

ValentineWiggin
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29 Feb 2012, 12:03 pm

I'd also be concerned that the person needed to shut ME out.
When I go into shutdowns, it's at the world and all that upsets me about it- how cruel and irrational and noisy and mindless it is.
Any SO would be the opposite- my rock, my confidante, and my best friend.
Regardless of whether everyone experiences them the same way,
I'd still be hurt if even *I* needed to be shut out of someone's life.


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29 Feb 2012, 5:09 pm

I said one or two weeks, in the provision that something really jarring happened and both sides know they want it to still work but realize that they won't be able to say anything to each other without a pretty good amount of buffer time if they want to avoid an instant and really explosive fight from happening.


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DiabloDave363
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29 Feb 2012, 8:06 pm

sometimes under stress i black out completely and dont remember anything. is tht a shutdown?


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29 Feb 2012, 9:50 pm

i am not sure, DiabloDave363. maybe someone else knows?


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JudeFarmer
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29 Feb 2012, 11:15 pm

Quote:
"i tend to think that a person wouldn't suddenly start experiencing a shutdown after a 5 year relationship. i think it would probably happen fairly early on - early enough to make a decision whether to stay or go. and if it happened really early on then there isn't really a level of commitment there as yet."



I am six years into my current relationship, and have noticed that at first I hardly ever shutdown, once through the honeymoon period and into some heavy life experiences, I did start shutting down. I tried hard not to, and the period would be up to a week (by my definition). in the ensuing years I have noticed that the period get briefer and briefer. Now my typical shutdown lasts an hour or two, and occasionally a day and night. Knowing that I am Aspie and may need these shutdowns, really helps me to give permission to myself to take them/take care of myself in this way; it also helps my partner to be understanding.



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01 Mar 2012, 8:20 am

Wow, I am really surprised by the many 1-2 week votes. I'm surprised there are many partners willing to put up with such a thing. I know my husband is extremely upset if I disengage for even a few minutes to try to calm myself. I myself feel compelled to fix any relationship rifts with partners or (past) friends and can't let it go too long without trying to communicate with the person in question. I may disengage for a few minutes to an hour when I am very upset but I am always compelled to go back and resolve the conflict asap. Further, I don't feel any need to disengage unless some overwhelming emotional conflict has occured.


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01 Mar 2012, 1:23 pm

Quote:
"i tend to think that a person wouldn't suddenly start experiencing a shutdown after a 5 year relationship. i think it would probably happen fairly early on - early enough to make a decision whether to stay or go. and if it happened really early on then there isn't really a level of commitment there as yet."


That assumes that the shutdown is caused by the relationship and not outside forces.

I live with my boyfriend. We've been together 5 years. He's been in a burnout like these shutdowns lately (and varies from being unable to have me mention I can help with dishes to being clingy and obsessing over doing what's best for me). In his case, its been caused not by anything to do with the relationship, but by trying to finish his master's degree.



hyperlexian
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01 Mar 2012, 1:52 pm

Tuttle wrote:
Quote:
"i tend to think that a person wouldn't suddenly start experiencing a shutdown after a 5 year relationship. i think it would probably happen fairly early on - early enough to make a decision whether to stay or go. and if it happened really early on then there isn't really a level of commitment there as yet."


That assumes that the shutdown is caused by the relationship and not outside forces.

I live with my boyfriend. We've been together 5 years. He's been in a burnout like these shutdowns lately (and varies from being unable to have me mention I can help with dishes to being clingy and obsessing over doing what's best for me). In his case, its been caused not by anything to do with the relationship, but by trying to finish his master's degree.

yes, shutdowns that are unrelated to the relationship, where the person is still in full contact with the partner, would be a whole other issue.


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Matt62
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02 Mar 2012, 3:18 pm

Hmm, Shutdown here means something a bit less defined than what I normally consider a shutdown; Mind and/or body no longer obeying me, depersonalization. We are talking more about emotional overloading here, are we not? That is my impression. In which case, withdrawing might be a better term.
My shut-downs are just that, like someone flipped the switch to "OFF"!
Sorry to be nit-picky about this, & not trying to high-jack the thread.
Anyway a week to two are acceptable in my book..

Sincerely,
Matthew



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02 Mar 2012, 3:32 pm

hyperlexian wrote:
Tuttle wrote:
Quote:
"i tend to think that a person wouldn't suddenly start experiencing a shutdown after a 5 year relationship. i think it would probably happen fairly early on - early enough to make a decision whether to stay or go. and if it happened really early on then there isn't really a level of commitment there as yet."


That assumes that the shutdown is caused by the relationship and not outside forces.

I live with my boyfriend. We've been together 5 years. He's been in a burnout like these shutdowns lately (and varies from being unable to have me mention I can help with dishes to being clingy and obsessing over doing what's best for me). In his case, its been caused not by anything to do with the relationship, but by trying to finish his master's degree.

yes, shutdowns that are unrelated to the relationship, where the person is still in full contact with the partner, would be a whole other issue.


What I'm saying doesn't include full contact. A shutdown extreme enough to have someone non-verbal for a large amount of the day, unable to so much as communicate via typing is not at all full contact.

I'm not talking about full contact, I'm talking about drastically reduced contact. It just happens that it can't be no contact as we live together, so I see when he's most functional as well as least.

Anyways, my point was that these don't necessarily only occur because of the relationship. If we weren't living together, I would be going for long periods of time without contact from him, despite the fact that the trigger was academic rather than romantic.

Matt62 wrote:
Hmm, Shutdown here means something a bit less defined than what I normally consider a shutdown; Mind and/or body no longer obeying me, depersonalization. We are talking more about emotional overloading here, are we not? That is my impression. In which case, withdrawing might be a better term.
My shut-downs are just that, like someone flipped the switch to "OFF"!
Sorry to be nit-picky about this, & not trying to high-jack the thread.
Anyway a week to two are acceptable in my book..


I've been reading these as shutdowns (in the mind and body no longer obeying self) caused by emotional overloading leading to lack of contact between people in a romantic relationship.



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02 Mar 2012, 3:40 pm

I think 30 seconds is acceptable unless critical updates are being installed


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Matt62
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02 Mar 2012, 8:36 pm

OK, we are talking about sensory/emotional overload caused by close proximity of a romantic interest.

Matthew



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02 Mar 2012, 8:42 pm

I've never had a AS shutdown on anyone I have ever dated. I can't say what it's like to be on the receiving end either as I've never dated another Aspie (and have no intention of doing so either)

But taking neurology out of the equation, I'd be just as concerned about how frequent the shutdowns were as well as how long they lasted. But anything beyond 72 hours & I'd consider them to be seriously milking it, they'd be out of the relationship & out of my life for good.


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02 Mar 2012, 8:45 pm

Matt62 wrote:
OK, we are talking about sensory/emotional overload caused by close proximity of a romantic interest.

Matthew


sorry, I was just teasing :) I think a few days is acceptable in my books. once it gets over a week i would reach the conclusion that there are other aggravating factors than emotional overload


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02 Mar 2012, 9:01 pm

Matt62 wrote:
Hmm, Shutdown here means something a bit less defined than what I normally consider a shutdown; Mind and/or body no longer obeying me, depersonalization. We are talking more about emotional overloading here, are we not? That is my impression. In which case, withdrawing might be a better term.
My shut-downs are just that, like someone flipped the switch to "OFF"!
Sorry to be nit-picky about this, & not trying to high-jack the thread.
Anyway a week to two are acceptable in my book..

Sincerely,
Matthew


Yeah, defining shutdown the way others seem to would change my answer. If my partner were able to function, just not with me around, the lack of contact would hurt more than if they just couldn't function at all. I'd still try to be understanding, but I'd end up backing out of the relationship sooner to spare my own feelings.


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02 Mar 2012, 10:41 pm

I once had one for two or three months. Aggressively non-talkative with a gf. A long time ago.

These days I could go a week but that's pretty rare. A day or two is normal. I have no idea what's acceptable.