Is it possible to reconcile my religious beliefs?

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ToadOfSteel
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06 Mar 2012, 3:08 pm

Zinnel wrote:
The more you have in common with someone the easier it is to keep a conversion going and keep it interesting to both involved. This is why its bad to just try and relate to someone on one subject or "one aspect" your self.


The problem is it's hard to find a girl that has even one thing in common with me, let alone multiple things... I don't want to just create a laundry list of criteria, I just want to connect with someone through something we can both enjoy together, while at the same point not letting the rest of my identity scare her away.



1000Knives
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06 Mar 2012, 3:27 pm

I have this issue to a point, but I don't care about it really. I figure God will just take care of it in time, my having a wife and all. I don't get why people like....care so much, about finding "someone." My problem I guess is my standards are very much too specific, and I shut myself out of a lot of relationships just out of fear of them turning sour before I can start them.

Your Christian beliefs, though, most people I've met don't really think too differently really than you. I'm on the opposite spectrum, young earth Creationist, much more literal with the Bible, etc. Also I'm Orthodox (well not technically yet, but yeah) so that makes Protestants and Catholics think you're weird. If you don't care about the religiosity of the other person, then simply don't bring up yours in conversation until asked, and definitely don't put it on dating sites and the like. I think people would be more scared off that you're asserting your views, as it just seems weird to assert your views, especially when your views are sorta broad like that. Usually by asserting religious views, people view it as exclusionary on your part. So for you and religion, you'd probably be best off with a "don't ask, don't tell" approach to it. For me, that doesn't fly, but yeah.

For me personally, I can't see myself dating anyone not Christian, and I'd likely want someone with more conservative viewpoints like myself, so that narrows down my dating pool a lot, but it's just the way things are.

In the end, it just comes down to, people who like you will like you, and people who don't, won't. If it wasn't your religious views making people not like you, it'd be political views, anything really.

EDIT:
As far as commonalities, uhm, well, basically, what I've gathered is this. Commonalities are good to a point, but it's more toleration that's the key. For me also, in people in general, opposites are attractive to me, a female version of me sounds insane really. Like I have enough problems dealing with me, so two people as crazy as myself sounds like it'd be a sitcom or something. Basically, what hyperlexian was saying about chemistry is right. It's not so much commonalities as much as it is "do you get along?" For me, it'd be pretty outlandish to ask for a girl who works on cars, ice skates, listens to jpop and eurobeat, and goes dumpster diving, but all I can ask for is a girl who will tolerate that in me, and whatever her interests are, I'd have to reciprocate with toleration. But then there's things that are irreconcilable differences, which the religion thing is for me. Keep in mind, all my advice is theoretical crap, having never had a girlfriend ever.



ToadOfSteel
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06 Mar 2012, 3:36 pm

1000Knives wrote:
I have this issue to a point, but I don't care about it really. I figure God will just take care of it in time, my having a wife and all. I don't get why people like....care so much, about finding "someone." My problem I guess is my standards are very much too specific, and I shut myself out of a lot of relationships just out of fear of them turning sour before I can start them.

Your Christian beliefs, though, most people I've met don't really think too differently really than you. I'm on the opposite spectrum, young earth Creationist, much more literal with the Bible, etc. Also I'm Orthodox (well not technically yet, but yeah) so that makes Protestants and Catholics think you're weird. If you don't care about the religiosity of the other person, then simply don't bring up yours in conversation until asked, and definitely don't put it on dating sites and the like. I think people would be more scared off that you're asserting your views, as it just seems weird to assert your views, especially when your views are sorta broad like that. Usually by asserting religious views, people view it as exclusionary on your part. So for you and religion, you'd probably be best off with a "don't ask, don't tell" approach to it. For me, that doesn't fly, but yeah.

I assert my views because i'm afraid someone is going to come along and want to change who I am. I'm willing to adapt to be approachable with other people, but I don't want to change my core identity for someone else.

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For me personally, I can't see myself dating anyone not Christian, and I'd likely want someone with more conservative viewpoints like myself, so that narrows down my dating pool a lot, but it's just the way things are.

In the end, it just comes down to, people who like you will like you, and people who don't, won't. If it wasn't your religious views making people not like you, it'd be political views, anything really.

Then I guess I really am unlovable...



CrazyCatLord
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06 Mar 2012, 6:00 pm

I'm with hyperlexian and Fnord on this one. You're never going to see eye to eye on all subjects with another person. Unless your partner is extremely orthodox and lives by a strict religious code that affects all areas of life, I don't see why religious differences should be more of a divider than different food tastes or different favorite TV shows.

Just do your thing in terms of religion and let your partner do hers. When the topic comes up in conversation, just agree to disagree and move on. I'm a liberal atheist, but if I was in a relationship with a conservative Christian (I have been for a while in Second Life), I'd simply avoid this topic and focus on other things. I wouldn't try to deconvert anybody.



Tim_Tex
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06 Mar 2012, 6:19 pm

ToS: If she's not a Christian, you can always try to convert her.


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Tim_Tex
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06 Mar 2012, 6:28 pm

hyperlexian wrote:
Tim_Tex wrote:
With all due respect, however, the question "Do you like the Simpsons and South Park" really means "Do you want to come to my place and fornicate?" Except you are less likely to be slapped in the face if you ask the former. As far the criteria goes, once you find out the meaning or story behind them, you kinda understand what I am saying (and I am always more than happy to explain those meanings).

i don't understand where you get that idea from (bolded). are you saying that people assume that YOU want to fornicate when you ask them if they watch those shows, or are you saying that people who watch the shows want to fornicate more? neither one of those is true - the shows are not even slightly related to having sex.


It was the second one.


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hyperlexian
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06 Mar 2012, 8:15 pm

Tim_Tex wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
Tim_Tex wrote:
With all due respect, however, the question "Do you like the Simpsons and South Park" really means "Do you want to come to my place and fornicate?" Except you are less likely to be slapped in the face if you ask the former. As far the criteria goes, once you find out the meaning or story behind them, you kinda understand what I am saying (and I am always more than happy to explain those meanings).

i don't understand where you get that idea from (bolded). are you saying that people assume that YOU want to fornicate when you ask them if they watch those shows, or are you saying that people who watch the shows want to fornicate more? neither one of those is true - the shows are not even slightly related to having sex.


It was the second one.

ok, well glad we can clear that up. people who watch certain shows do not have any more sex than people who watch other shows.


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ToadOfSteel
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06 Mar 2012, 9:17 pm

CrazyCatLord wrote:
I'm with hyperlexian and Fnord on this one. You're never going to see eye to eye on all subjects with another person. Unless your partner is extremely orthodox and lives by a strict religious code that affects all areas of life, I don't see why religious differences should be more of a divider than different food tastes or different favorite TV shows.

Just do your thing in terms of religion and let your partner do hers. When the topic comes up in conversation, just agree to disagree and move on. I'm a liberal atheist, but if I was in a relationship with a conservative Christian (I have been for a while in Second Life), I'd simply avoid this topic and focus on other things. I wouldn't try to deconvert anybody.


But what if the partner doesn't want to just agree to disagree? What if it's just something the partner thinks she can "change" about me? There are many things I am willing to do to change for a partner; compromising on core spiritual beliefs is not one of those things however...



1000Knives
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06 Mar 2012, 9:32 pm

ToadOfSteel wrote:
CrazyCatLord wrote:
I'm with hyperlexian and Fnord on this one. You're never going to see eye to eye on all subjects with another person. Unless your partner is extremely orthodox and lives by a strict religious code that affects all areas of life, I don't see why religious differences should be more of a divider than different food tastes or different favorite TV shows.

Just do your thing in terms of religion and let your partner do hers. When the topic comes up in conversation, just agree to disagree and move on. I'm a liberal atheist, but if I was in a relationship with a conservative Christian (I have been for a while in Second Life), I'd simply avoid this topic and focus on other things. I wouldn't try to deconvert anybody.


But what if the partner doesn't want to just agree to disagree? What if it's just something the partner thinks she can "change" about me? There are many things I am willing to do to change for a partner; compromising on core spiritual beliefs is not one of those things however...


Then your religious beliefs were there before she was, and they'll be there after she leaves.



ToadOfSteel
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06 Mar 2012, 9:34 pm

1000Knives wrote:
ToadOfSteel wrote:
CrazyCatLord wrote:
I'm with hyperlexian and Fnord on this one. You're never going to see eye to eye on all subjects with another person. Unless your partner is extremely orthodox and lives by a strict religious code that affects all areas of life, I don't see why religious differences should be more of a divider than different food tastes or different favorite TV shows.

Just do your thing in terms of religion and let your partner do hers. When the topic comes up in conversation, just agree to disagree and move on. I'm a liberal atheist, but if I was in a relationship with a conservative Christian (I have been for a while in Second Life), I'd simply avoid this topic and focus on other things. I wouldn't try to deconvert anybody.


But what if the partner doesn't want to just agree to disagree? What if it's just something the partner thinks she can "change" about me? There are many things I am willing to do to change for a partner; compromising on core spiritual beliefs is not one of those things however...


Then your religious beliefs were there before she was, and they'll be there after she leaves.


I'm looking for someone to spend the rest of my life with though... if it were a short-term deal, then yeah it wouldn't matter. But I want to have a relationship that's going to have a little harmony in it, as opposed to strife and discord. Yes I know there will always be disagreements, but I'd prefer a relationship where disagreements can be worked through rationally as opposed to with soap opera levels of drama...



hyperlexian
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06 Mar 2012, 9:44 pm

having a different faith does not necessarily mean drama. it's possible to respect each other.


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ToadOfSteel
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06 Mar 2012, 9:48 pm

hyperlexian wrote:
having a different faith does not necessarily mean drama. it's possible to respect each other.


Thats why I said i had no problems with an agnostic. (only a militant athiest that would try to convert me out of religion...)

I only need a few things in common, and it doesn't necessarily have to be my religion. It could be my love of football or baseball, for all I care. Just something we can enjoy together. Between that, and merely being able to respect that I have my own core beliefs, that's all I need. I'm certainly more than able to respect someone else's beliefs, I just don't want someone to come along and expect to be able to "change" me...