Unless otherwise stated as humor, this is how I'd respond (though differently worded to be less blunt and go in to more detail).
1. What is Your Greatest Weakness?
s**t, I only get one answer. I had 20 prepared, Ummm, Welll, hmmmm, lets see. . I let everybody bully me (I think of that s a weakness,but they will like it)
2. Why Do You Want to Work Here?
You are actually considering paying me.
3. There’s a gap in your resume. It’s been some time since your last job. What have you been doing since then?
I got diagnosed with a condition that makes me unemployable in todays world and have been reading about it on the Wrong Planet website
4. Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Did you not read my resume? I am autistic which means my planning skills are non-existant. You would know that if you took ten minites to google autism.
5. Tell me about your proudest achievement:
I have lived 56 years in your nuerotypical world and I am still alive.
6. Are you willing to work overtime, nights and weekends if need be?
Of course. I have no f*****g life. Did you not see the Autism Speaks ad?
7. Do you have any questions for me?
Since I will be working all night will you provide a bed for me?. Since there is really no work at 3AM and I am just coming in for show is it allright if I use your server to read Wrong Planet?
8. Why did you leave your last job?
They called it a lay-off because of a merger but in reality dispite the fact I was thier most productive employee but I was so confusing to them they could not stand it anymore. I knew that because I really did not leave, I was literly thrown out. The last example demonstrates the skills at reading people I expect will be an asset to your firm.
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Professionally Identified and joined WP August 26, 2013
DSM 5: Autism Spectrum Disorder, DSM IV: Aspergers Moderate Severity
“My autism is not a superpower. It also isn’t some kind of god-forsaken, endless fountain of suffering inflicted on my family. It’s just part of who I am as a person”. - Sara Luterman