Conversations and eye contact

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So, I was reflecting back on a conversation I had with my boss the other day, and I was thinking about how I always stare directly into people's eyes when I'm talking with them because I want them to know I'm listening. However, I've come to realize I don't really remember anything our conversation was about and that's because I was trying to let him know I was paying attention to him through eye contact, yet continuously trying to maintain the eye contact and trying to think about my body language made it to where I actually didn't pay attention to a single thing that was said. While it wasn't a particularly important conversation, one mainly comprised of small talk, I've come to wonder how many conversations I've missed the point of throughout my life by trying to maintain this sense of interest. Would it be better to forgo some eye contact in order to get something out of a conversation? Would that help? Also, I haven't been formally diagnosed yet, and I'm not sure my family fully believes in my diagnosis, so I have to wonder if I do lose some eye contact, will they think I'm trying to fit into some sort of stereotype? I mean, that's not at all what I'm trying to do, I just want to be able to concentrate on things said by others. Any suggestions?

My eye contact is terrible, I am trying to work on increasing my eye contact (opposite problem...I know Im not really qualified to give advice on this one), but I think the biggest issue is others misinterpretions of why someone is not making adequate eye contact. Some people (depending on relationship) I now let them know my eye contacts not great, so they know not to read anything into the fact that I am not making much eye contact. Maybe explain to your family that you have been experiementing with eye contact and find you pay better attention with less eye contact. Maybe taking breaks from looking at people, look away thoughtfully then look back? If you are talking about something in particular (e.g. a document) thoughtfully look at that instead and just make frequent glances at the person you are talking to?

Okay, thanks for your response. I'll give that a try. Another reason I'm trying to improve this is because my diagnostic appointment is next month and I don't want to come across as too aggressive and I want to actually be able to focus on what the Dr. is saying, though simultaneously, I don't want to feel un-genuine.

You do not need to look directly into a person's eyes. If eye contact bothers you, look at the person's nose, or cheek bone, they think you are looking them in the eye. Try it out with a friend. It works and you are not giving 'direct eye contact'....

Do you know how much eye contact is actually expected? I have yet to find someone who is able to tell me, or is this dependent on the situation?

It is dependent on the situation. Staring steadily into someone's eyes is off putting no matter what the situation is.

I heard a story about an Aspie who was getting counseled by a therapist, who said I meet these women in real life and they don't like me. The therapist asked him to demonstrate how he looks at them.

He stared steadily at her with intensity. She had to tell him, no, no, no, that is wrong, you are scaring these women.

Eye contact is not constant. An NT might look elsewhere while talking and then look back at their friend's face. The only time people go eyeball to eyeball is if they are having a very intense conversation.

Even NTs are uncomfortable with steady staring.

Sorry I can't explain it any better than that.

Plan B for the OP, and this is very tricky and dependent on the situation, but offer disclosure. Explain that you have these issues with eye contact, you are an Aspie in other words. If this is a job situation, follow up quickly with a list of your strengths on the job due to being an Aspie. Hard working, focused, reliable, detail oriented. Whatever your strengths maybe. Why the want to hire YOU.

Dunno, just some suggestions...

An easy way to manage eye contact is to follow these 3 simple rules:
1) If the person you're talking with looks at you, look at them a few seconds later
2) If the person you're talking with looks away from you, look away from them a few seconds later.
3) If the person you're talking with is sharing something very important to them or something emotional, look at them even if they're not looking at you.

You want to add a little bit of variety to how long it takes for you to look at someone or look away from someone--if you always look away at the same instant the other person looks away, they might notice you are copying them. But if you vary up your timing a little, then it will feel natural. Usually the other person will look at you as much as they want you to look at them, so if you just look at them when they look at you, you will normally do ok.

Rule 3 is because when someone is sharing something very emotional, they might not be looking at you, but they still want you to be looking at them, because that communicates that you care about the emotional thing they are sharing.

Well, when I was little I got scolded a lot for not keeping eye contact so I devised a strategy which I am using up to now and which seems to work. I simply follow the eye-contact of the other person; when the other person loses eye contact with me, I do the same, but I do not turn my head, I am just focusing my eyes somewhere else, using my peripheral vision to check where is the other person looking. As soon as I register he/she initiated the eye contact, I respond by looking into his/her eyes again and it goes like that to the end of the conversation. Since that, I have never been told that I have problem with eye contact.......

I use similar method with greeting; since I do not know when is the correct time to say hello, I simply wait until other person says it.....