Sexual harrassment by a neighbor and not sure what to do

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I hardly dress up or try to look nice around most people because since I was little, I had a couple of nasty old men come on to me. One I was barely in about 4th grade...and I remember clearly how he would always pat my head and say how pretty my blonde hair was and when I would say "I don't like my blonde hair" just to have him leave me alone, he would turn around and say "so you like my black hair? you want to marry someone like me with black hair?" What kind of pig says that to a 9-10yr old girl? Obviously, nothing more ever happened because I was never completely alone with him...except in large parties, but nobody ever heard him say this to me.

The other time was my dad's best friend who always use to say that I would be his daughter in law...I actually always liked the guy, etc...until I was about 28 and I visited him with my parents and boyfriend...we were at a party and as we always do here, we all dance with each other...My parents were there, my boyfriend (now husband) was also there...While I danced with him he proceeded to tell me "you should dump your boyfriend and come with me...we can go to X country and I will support you and you can do whatever you want...and I am being serious...You are such a beautiful girl...blah, blah, blah..." I felt horrible the rest of the night. I never told my father or boyfriend or anyone because I knew my dad would either kick the guys ass or not believe me anyway. Why? Because the 1st guy above, when I told my uncle about what the guy would say to me (I loved and trusted my uncle more than anyone in this world), and he told my dad...he thought I wasn't around and I heard my dad say "and you believe her? she's always a liar!" I was only 11 at the time...

At work I always did really well and at one point a guy started constantly making such comments in front of others as "we should get X to do a table dance for us", etc...when I started keeping my distance, he cosntantly followed me at work...he made me feel very uncomfortable and one of my old man friends, who was almost like a dad even said to me "wow, I can't believe his guy harasses you so much...this is ridiculous...I always thought that girls who were sexually harrassed asked for it, but after seeing how you act around men in comparison to other women, etc...and you are so young too, I have changed my mind. You don't deserve this at all...it's disgusting, etc..." I reported it to my HR department and they did NOTHING...instead told ME that even if he chased me around the building all day, that I could not tell him off because "that" was against company policy. I ended up having to leave that job because I got so tired of this guy following me around the office...I was not paranoid. It was obvious to everyone around me and yet HR did nothing.

Now where I live, there was one neighbor who was cosntantly telling me I should wear lipstick, dress up, do my hair, etc...I thought nothing of it, except "what is it any of your darn business?" But I always just kept my mouth shut and laughed. Then another comes into the neighborhood and one night at a big party that we were having, while my husband was right outside our door, he came into our apt...I was being nice and polite I thought and asked him about the music we were listening to, etc...My husband was looking from outside, obviously I was not being innappropriate or anything (and I dress VERY conservatively and again, hardly wear makeup or even do my hair so I don't attract attention)...the ahole proceeds to say to me "is your husband treating you right?" Of course I said, "oh yes, he's a nice guy"...and he then said "no I mean, in all ways...because now I live here and if you ever need someone to be with and bring you some pleasure, you can just call me...just don't tell your husband I said this to you!" WTH? I just thought "if my husband finds out, he'll kick his a$$!" Needless to say, I now stay away from that man...and of course, it's once again me feeling uncomfortable while these men go about their business.

I just don't know how to handle this crap anymore. I am sick of it. I can't stand it. I feel that if I say something to my husband, although he will no doubt believe me (heck, he liked me and had to follow me around for 4 yrs before I even gave him a chance for a date!), he would also probably kick these men's behind and I would feel guilty of starting world war 3, but at the same time, I feel that all these people who treat me like crap and think I am just so horrible have no clue what I go through.

By the way, there were two other situations that ocurred when I was in highschool/college one with a friend of my father and another with a guy my age, who knew my dad and our parents were friends, that they actually forced themselves on me, etc...one even at my home...and I never said anything because I figured the same...and the odds were, that my dad would never believe me anyway from the experience I had at 11yrs old....sigh


Have any of you dealt with this? What did you do? I am miserable. Everybody judges me so harshly, but none know what I went through.

What should I do? Have you dealt with this? How did you handle it?

I say hell yeah tell your husband. Then that pig will leave you alone, because he'll know you guys are tight and there's no room for him to squeeze in. And remember you didn't start this. That pig did. This is not your fault, and it's not your fight. Let your husband take care of it. I hate pig men.

First, I would most certainly tell your husband.
Second, stop being polite to people who don't deserve your civility. Some men will mis-interpret your politeness as a signal that it's ok to proceed pursuing you, and with these men you need to very clearly communicate that it is not, even if you have no way to do that in a civil manner.

So, do tell you husband what this man said, and if he continues to make comments to you that you think are inappropriate or that make you feel uncomfortable, you can try completely ignoring him or telling him or very flatly saying that you're married and not interested in a fairly unfriendly tone.

I would have probably said something really rude right back to him at the time, like "You? Really? <laughing> Please, I don't THINK so!" cause the guy sounds like he's got an ego the size of Texas. Then I would have, while still laughing, called my husband over and said "You should hear what he just said to me, it's the funniest damn thing!" and proceeded to tell him right there. The chances of a physical fight over it aren't that good, most guys would just say "Don't ever talk to my wife like that again!" and go on.

I'd tell my husband. I'd ask him to talk to the guy when he sees him. Tell him to just be chill about it and say something. Otherwise, if the guy gets mad at you for something, like not taking him up on his offers or flirting back, he can tell your husband about it himself and say "See? She didn't tell you did she? Wonder what else she's not telling you".

The guy sounds like an as*hole and he needs to get taken down a few notches.

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I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
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First of all, half of this seems like the average AS miscommunication breakdown or something like that, ya know? Because at least half of what those guys were saying to didn't seem to be very hurtful or demeaning towards you? It seems like normal flirting?!....but that one dude stalking you, yeah that was CREEPY!! I also would advise you to stay away from that guy!!

Thanks for your help to all. As far as physical, I know my husband, which is the reason I am worried.

For the person who said it was "miscommunication" and normal flirting, I find normal flirting someone who is some guy on the street or even a neighbor who says something like "you look pretty, your husband is so lucky, blah, blah, blah"...a 40+yr old man touching a little 10yr old's hair and asking if she would want to marry someone like him, is CREEPY...I can't imagine my husband doing that to a little girl...I find that very creepy. My dad's friend doing that in front of my dad and my husband, that's not a guy being a guy, that's disrespectful because I have known him since i was a little girl...I guess that is the problem with most of this, that many men find it "simple". You know, a guy being extra nice to me, smiling to me alot, giving me compliments, etc..although i am not very fond of, I find that to be "a guy flirting"...a guy who knows my parents, comes to my house to drop something off for them and when he realizes they aren't home, proceeds to grab me and throw himself on me, is not being a flirt.

Thank you much for your help. I finally told my husband, as I stated before, I worried sick that he would beat the crap out of the guy. I did not tell him who it was, because he specifically told me that if I did, he would indeed kick his butt.

Fast forward and I told a neighbor because they could not figure out why my husband did not want the guy he suspects at our house. Needless to say, then a couple of other MEN neighbors come over to our home to "try to make peace for the sake of the neighbors". No, they didn't say the guy denied it, they just said "we want everyone to get along. Everyone makes mistakes, especially if they have been drinking." I told them that I could care less about the neighborhood people talking to the guy or not, I just wanted him to stay away from me, period. That no way I would forgive him. He drinks every weekend, heck, now I have to forgive the guy AND talk to him so that the neighbors are happy? Are they crazy or what? I again told them they could continue to talk to them, I could care less. I just want the guy to not speak to me and leave me alone. I don't understand why everyone thinks that I should forgive the guy and continue to talk to him like nothing happened. I don't get it. I even told one guy, I bet you wouldn't feel the same if it was your wife that this guy said this to. Sigh...Anyway, I am just staying away. I continue to stress, but he has been locked up and I have not seen the guy since.

Obviously, this is not a misunderstanding. Flirting is, "hey baby, you look great today"...saying "hey, if you need someone to sleep with (in other words), call me...I live right across from you...and by the way, don't tell your husband I said so". So the guy was "drunk" or so he claims now, but he wasn't drunk enough to say "don't tell your husband?" Sure.