A slave to America

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Whenever I think "schizophrenia" my blood starts boiling and I feel angry helpless and sad.

Can you elaborate?

I get in these "funks" a lot where I wonder about all the possibilities, including the possibility I was misdiagnosed. But Im doing really well and usually way on top of this disorder. It's just so hard to have insight into it and feel truly happy a lot. I'm going to quit smoking cigarettes because it seems to be making my symptoms way worse than usual. And I usually don't have that many problems or symptoms, which is why I wonder that I'm normal. I'm really not normal, and I hate paranoia.

Were you dx'd with scizophrenia? If you were, I'm sure it was a kick in the gut, but I'm also fairly confident that medicine has come a long way toward helping treat the symptoms.

Can you give us a little more background?

Yep. I also have slight Aspergers according to a few tests. My problem is how much my "mania" if that's what it is called, helped me to think and create. Right now I want to become intelligent again and stop worrying about life. I want to share, love, create, and heal from all the things that I dwell on. I was diagnosed at 16 so it was quite a lot to recover from.

I'm in college now and working on becoming more happy. I want to do art someday, and comprehend symbols again like math and science.

I have high asperations, but sometimes it's frustrating because I feel the illness is a major barrier to my success.

Quitting smoking will do a lot to help the medications work better. Do you have a therapist and support group?

I have a therapist and psychiatrist. I recently quit college because I got tired of it. There's no point in working if you're constantly apathetic and feel no sense of joy. I still don't want to be schizophrenic.

I started contemplating leaving the country so I can stop feeling like a schizophrenic all the time. I really want to believe I have schizophrenia so I can find some peace. But it's not working. The more I dwell on the idea the more I feel distraught.

The doctors just consider this being oppositional.