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Koi
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03 Apr 2012, 2:26 am

I've recently started realizing things about how drastically I change when confronted.

Getting into trouble, having social friction, any of that—even just seeing other people having conflict around me—and I sort of "shut down".

I generally just start looking into space with my head tilted down. I don't look at anyone. I don't let my eyes even get near to their face. Or, if I can, I try to physically get away. I was in the car with my sister a few days ago, and we had some, as I say, "social friction". In reaction to this, I turned over in the car to face the window, turned on my music and covered the side of my face with my hood so I couldn't even see her in my peripheral vision (sadly though, she mocked me for it).

So, how do you guys deal with conflict?

And, if you have any suggestions for how to deal with it better than I do (seeing as I'm mocked for it by my own family), I'd really like to hear it.



RazorEddie
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03 Apr 2012, 2:47 am

In a bad confrontation I shut down to the point where I am virtually unable to speak. I know what I want to say but it won't come out.


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Koi
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03 Apr 2012, 2:52 am

RazorEddie wrote:
In a bad confrontation I shut down to the point where I am virtually unable to speak. I know what I want to say but it won't come out.

I've been there. But not necessarily in confrontation. I get like that when I'm surrounded by a bunch of people and I have a social anxiety attack.



TheSunAlsoRises
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03 Apr 2012, 3:31 am

How do you deal with conflict?

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jagatai
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03 Apr 2012, 7:59 am

I respond differently depending upon the person I am in conflict with. If the person I am arguing with tends to be domineering and inflexible, I usually go quiet and try to avoid furthering the argument, hoping that the other person will lose interest and go away.

If the person is someone whom I very much want to keep a good relationship with and if I see the conflict as creating long term problems, then I will usually become extremely direct and I will work hard to resolve the conflict immediately before it spirals out of control.

I intensely hate conflict, but I would rather engage in a small amount of it now rather than a large amount later.

But there are minor conflicts that I will get angry about in private, or rant and rave about to friends, but never actually address with the person I am angry with.


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Sweetleaf
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03 Apr 2012, 9:43 am

Well I either shut down or freak out...depending.


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Jtuk
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03 Apr 2012, 10:07 am

Sweetleaf wrote:
Well I either shut down or freak out...depending.


Similar, I either shutdown or go overboard - Stunned faces and the "what was that all about look?"

I have been going to CBT and that has helped a little bit. My therapist has been working through notable things between each appointment and helping me work out wether I am in the right. This gets much more complex in the workplace, it is helping. Perhaps not in the moment, but I feel better about it afterwards and am revisiting the conflicts that I avoided.

speaking of which off to my next appointment.

Jason



HisDivineMajesty
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03 Apr 2012, 10:27 am

When people pick an argument with me, they'll get more than they asked for. I don't let go until they leave or give up.
If I'm right, and I usually know that, I'll defend my words. Thing is, people expect me to be subservient if they're in a position of authority, but I'll talk to them in much the same way I'd talk to my friends.
That's gotten me expelled from school a few times in the past.



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03 Apr 2012, 11:56 am

I shut down.
Or, if I recognise it coming before I shut down, I walk away.
I can't stand conflict.


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Jory
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03 Apr 2012, 12:47 pm

In the past, I've handled it in two ways:

1. Walk away.

2. If walking away doesn't work, find the nearest hard object and hit the person in the face with it. Then walk away. (Or run if necessary.)

The last fight I got in was with some as*hole at my school who wouldn't stop bothering me. Telling him to leave me alone didn't help. Walking away and trying to avoid him didn't help. So I took my sack lunch, which had a can of soda at the bottom, and swung it at his face. He never bothered me again.

Violence should be a last resort, but it works when nothing else does.



hanyo
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03 Apr 2012, 12:57 pm

I don't like conflict.



League_Girl
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03 Apr 2012, 2:24 pm

I hate conflicts. In the past I have handled them by going after the person and bullying them when I felt they were in the wrong and bad and I wanted them to not ever mess with me again. I hate being a helpless victim and if I was truly in the wrong, people have to convince me and the only way be if it was a misunderstanding or something. They would also have to convince why I am the bad guy and the the offender actually the victim and I have to agree their reason is correct or good. If not, I am stubborn as a rock. That is one of my bad sides people don't want to get on.

Plus I sometimes feel tempted to provoke the person when I feel they were out of line and never took responsibility for it or did a false accusation on me and didn't believe my side so I start thinking about doing it more to piss them off.

Then other times I just ignore the person if I think they are trying to pick a fight with me and if I see they are just delusional and read into things I say or take what I say out of context because their own mind is too clouded due to their past. Sometimes I feel snarky so I say "Did I say about...." or "where did I say..." because it depends on my mood and sometimes I get so tired of people taking what I say out of context or reading into what I am saying that isn't even there so instead of fighting with them about it, I say this instead. They back off. I think 'good riddance I sure showed them.'

One time online I handled something with my friend by signing off when he kept shoving something in my face. I told him to stop, he didn't. I even told him i was not reading what he was saying, he didn't stop so I signed off. Then on Facebook I saw he decided to send me the message about it so I deleted it instead without reading it. I saw he blocked me but I didn't care and I figured if he wants to throw a tantrum and be that way, I don't care. I don't even care if I lost him as a friend I had for eight years. In real life I would have melted down and cover my ears and scream or walk away to tune him out. But online it's easy to avoid that because all you have to do is not open the email or PM and not read the IM and you can just sign off. There, problem solved, so easy to walk away from it. In real life, not so easy.

Also I tend to give silent treatments because I am so mad at the person, I can't even look at them or talk to them or the feelings come back and I get all these thoughts in my head about what I can do to make them mad.


It all depends really on the situation and my mood. If they catch me on a bad day, they get the bad side of me, if it's on my good day, I most likely do nothing to them and I either ignore them and walk away because I don't want to let them ruin my day. Rarely does my day get ruined over a bad apple. Plus I rant to my online friends if it happened online or in real life. Sometimes I tell my husband about it too.



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04 Apr 2012, 12:07 am

I usually try to avoid conflict. Usually I will walk away when I cannot I just shut my emotions off and if further messed with I will freak out releasing all my anger and stress at once. If the person gets physical with me then I will want to punch him in the face. If it is a woman I will just walk away because I do not hit women and If I cannot walk away I will hold in my emotions and if further provoked I will freak out and turn all my hatred and anger on myself and inflict self harm.


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CockneyRebel
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04 Apr 2012, 12:31 am

I tend to avoid that person for months on end. I also get all anxious around them. I lose my filter and tell them whatever's on my mind.


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04 Apr 2012, 12:36 am

I hide in my room, or walk away, to be honest i'm more scared of myself in a conflict then of the other person because i'm scared that the person who started the conflict might trigger me into becoming aggressive, and i have bad memories of conflicts between my parents x_x I don't like them in general and they make me super anxious.