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hurtloam
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08 Apr 2012, 4:35 am

Well, i've really messed something up. I met a guy through friends a few years ago. We got on ok. But then a few people around us thought it would be nice to pair us up. And were very obvious about it.
I hardly knew him and felt like I was being pushed in a direction I wasn't even sure I wanted to go in, so told people to leave me alone, listed a couple of things about him that annoyed me, coz lets face it no one is perfect. I wanted some peace for us to get to know each other in our own time. Any time I was asked about him I said I wasn't interested.

He's changed his attitude towards me. I guess people have told him what I said about him and rather than pushing them away, i've pushed him away.

I was trying to put up a front so that I wasn't emotionally vulnerable. And I just messed things up.

The thing is over the past few years i've gotten know him better and I like him more now I know him better. I'm getting older and i'm ready for a relationship now. I wasn't bedfore, but I think i've messed this up so much and everyone, including him assumes i'm not interested that it would be a completely unexpected weird thing that I now like him. I can't say anything to him now because he's drifted so far out of reach emotionally. He really used to like me too. I'm an idiot.

I find dealing with other people very difficult. I have a whole other timescale for getting to trust other people and let then in.

I don't think I can fix this.



Last edited by hurtloam on 15 Apr 2012, 1:56 am, edited 1 time in total.

CJame
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08 Apr 2012, 6:33 am

It isnt as bad as it sounds. He probably is still interested unless he has a significant other right now. Most people always have a special place in their heart for past crushes. He began to ignore you for two reasons; one, his pride was wounded from the rejection and he's trying to act tough; two, the most logical reason is to not invest too much effort in a dating prospect. Logically, we should not waste energy waiting for a specific person to change their mind if there are other prospects to be explored.

Tell him the truth about how you feel and explain your past behavior, or you'll continue to feel miserable. If he's worth your time he'll understand. I do think that you should separate the idea between dating and relationships. Most guys will disappear and not give you the opportunity to get to know them better if you don't date them.

There was a girl that had a really big crush on me when I was in college but she was 4 years younger and still in high school. I kept giving her he impression that I was not interested because I felt our maturity level did not match. Eventually she gave up . A few years down the road I gave her a ring and yes she was still totally interested.



ZX_SpectrumDisorder
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08 Apr 2012, 7:07 am

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HD0eb0tDjIk[/youtube]



hurtloam
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08 Apr 2012, 12:01 pm

On separating dating and relationships, it's not me that is the serious one here. I knew in the begining that he's a relationship kind of guy. I never see him dating. That's why I needed time. That's why I was freaked out by people trying to rush me into something I wasn't sure I wanted



Last edited by hurtloam on 15 Apr 2012, 2:07 am, edited 1 time in total.

Paul123
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13 Apr 2012, 5:56 pm

I've recently turned 35 - and at times its like all my previous efforts have got me nowhere, and I tend to be emotionally up and down like a yo-yo at the moment.

However realising that I've gotten nowhere is something in itself, I'm slowly making small changes while being more forgiven of myself (I now have a page on OKCupid, and will hopefully meet some other aspies for the first time tomorrow - assuming I get to bed soon).

I think I messed up big time too, with a girl I worked with about a year ago (who left) - though I'm still not 100% sure as I'm not always great at reading such situations when I'm directly involved in things.

Recently I realised that not keeping in touch was a mistake as was not asking her out on a date I think (it took me a year to figure this out - NTs seem to realise things much quicker than me!).

I'd been feeling ill the past few weeks (colds etc) which tends to make me more downbeat and skew my judgement. Anyway I opted to send her a text and got a message saying its inappropriate to contact her and not to do it again (a bit weird I thought - sounds as though we'd been dating or something!!)

Anyway...

Nonetheless I'm now glad that I did - its allowed me to close that door and move on (obviously after being upset for a while).

Perhaps you should considering contacting the person you like too - don't do what I did and not seek confirmation for ages (this was me chickening out - i.e. not prepared to move on, yet not wanting the dream to come to an end).

Perhaps you could give him a call - you could even say that in moving away you've missed him or such like. If he's now seeing someone else don't take it personally - lots of NTs go on dates all the time and there's always a chance something will happen later on. Note that in my experience NTs do sometime's realise things quicker - he may have taking your moving away as the sign that he himself needed to move on or something. But it might be worth putting some feelers out.

If nothing else it could help you move on (assuming that you are like me in that there's usually just one person of deep interest, rather than the more common NT way of keeping lots of options open!)



RICKY5
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15 Apr 2012, 10:49 am

hurtloam wrote:
Well, i've really messed something up. I met a guy through friends a few years ago. We got on ok. But then a few people around us thought it would be nice to pair us up. And were very obvious about it.
I hardly knew him and felt like I was being pushed in a direction I wasn't even sure I wanted to go in, so told people to leave me alone, listed a couple of things about him that annoyed me, coz lets face it no one is perfect. I wanted some peace for us to get to know each other in our own time. Any time I was asked about him I said I wasn't interested.

He's changed his attitude towards me. I guess people have told him what I said about him and rather than pushing them away, i've pushed him away.

I was trying to put up a front so that I wasn't emotionally vulnerable. And I just messed things up.

The thing is over the past few years i've gotten know him better and I like him more now I know him better. I'm getting older and i'm ready for a relationship now. I wasn't bedfore, but I think i've messed this up so much and everyone, including him assumes i'm not interested that it would be a completely unexpected weird thing that I now like him. I can't say anything to him now because he's drifted so far out of reach emotionally. He really used to like me too. I'm an idiot.

I find dealing with other people very difficult. I have a whole other timescale for getting to trust other people and let then in.

I don't think I can fix this.


How long ago did you push him away? There is a big difference between 27 and 37 for a girl.

If he has sense, he will know that you blew your chance with him by pushing him away.

As a general rule, men become more attractive as they get older and improve their socioeconomic status and can get "better" girls.



hurtloam
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15 Apr 2012, 2:35 pm

I don't find men more attractive because of social or economic status. I am a bit of a hippy and I am more attracted to those like me who want to slip outside of the money obsessed world we live in and go against the grain.

It's really interesting how you've interpretated my i'm getting older comment. What I mean is i've been looking for that stupid fluffy in love feeling and now i'm getting older I think I should have been looking for something more based on friendship and mutual goals and ideals about life. He's been more directed on personal fulfillment and helping other people than having a career and making money and I was trying to build a career. I thought I would lose my direction with him and be constrained. But I find that I am disillutioned with my career and think he was right all along.

Oh or are you implying that now he's older he can get a better girl than me.

I can't say when I pushed him. From the start it's been a battle of wills. We're both strong minded.



DW_a_mom
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15 Apr 2012, 4:19 pm

Tell your friends and the man exactly what you've written here. It may or may not lead to things changing, but it has a better chance than keeping your real feelings unexpressed.

In life we have to take risks. Being honest about interest is one of them.

My husband was in the space you were before, when we first met and everyone thought we should get together. Two years later he asked me out. I had moved on, but I had no trouble moving back. And, well, you can tell how that went by the second word in this paragraph :)

It doesn't always work out that way, but it does often enough for me to suggest you lay it all out and act on it. In my husband's case, he planted it with our mutual friends first, and they checked with me. He's a little shy.


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Mom to an amazing young adult AS son, plus an also amazing non-AS daughter. Most likely part of the "Broader Autism Phenotype" (some traits).