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Briana_Lopez
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08 Apr 2012, 9:58 pm

I feel like Aspergers traps me from everything from socializing with my friends even though I've been called 'the socializer', doing schoolwork efficiantly, my physical activity (I run straight-legged without realizing it), and when I just want to express myself. I can't do any of these things without there being some sort of issue for me. I don't want to have to deal with any of these problems OR explain why I am the way I am, especially when people with Aspergers are made fun of simply for just having the condition. I always think t myself "We need to find the cure to autism SOON so I can be the person I've always wanted to be: a fully functional hard-working athletic girl." I've never liked myself, even before the diagnosis five years ago. I was made fun of in elementary and middle school or being myself. Kids in m grade would say that I'm a freak, I'm weird, I don't deserve to have any friends, I'm a loser, etc. Even though a couple people in my grade know and accept my autism, I've never bother to talk to them about my problems. Sometimes I get so upset about it that I actually say that I wish I would have never existed, so I wouldn't have to deal with the cons of Aspergers. Not once have I noticed any pros of my case of Aspergers. Does anyone feel the same way? What should I do to not have these feelings about Aspergers anymore?



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08 Apr 2012, 10:59 pm

I don't feel trapped at all. I feel quite the opposite. I feel that I'm free to be my own person and express myself any way that I wish. I feel free to think for myself and have my own likes and dislikes. I feel free to follow my instincts and to let myself be. :)


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ChekaMan
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08 Apr 2012, 11:21 pm

Not really.



mrspotatohead
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08 Apr 2012, 11:36 pm

Briana_Lopez wrote:
I feel like Aspergers traps me from everything from socializing with my friends even though I've been called 'the socializer', doing schoolwork efficiantly, my physical activity (I run straight-legged without realizing it), and when I just want to express myself. I can't do any of these things without there being some sort of issue for me. I don't want to have to deal with any of these problems OR explain why I am the way I am, especially when people with Aspergers are made fun of simply for just having the condition. I always think t myself "We need to find the cure to autism SOON so I can be the person I've always wanted to be: a fully functional hard-working athletic girl." I've never liked myself, even before the diagnosis five years ago. I was made fun of in elementary and middle school or being myself. Kids in m grade would say that I'm a freak, I'm weird, I don't deserve to have any friends, I'm a loser, etc. Even though a couple people in my grade know and accept my autism, I've never bother to talk to them about my problems. Sometimes I get so upset about it that I actually say that I wish I would have never existed, so I wouldn't have to deal with the cons of Aspergers. Not once have I noticed any pros of my case of Aspergers. Does anyone feel the same way? What should I do to not have these feelings about Aspergers anymore?


I was the only awkward girl in my school who couldn't make and keep friends, so I know where you are coming from. I never figured out how to do my hair except for putting it in a bun and the best I could do with makeup was creepy, uneven eyeliner. I eventually just made a joke out of my weird style, but a lot of people still did not get it even as a joke. However, I have now found what I am good at and I get to help people improve themselves, so that would be my advice to you--find what you are good at and get so good at it that other people will need you. You only need that one thing that you find more interesting than it should be... and you may not even be that good at it right now, but you will be if you pursue it because you won't get bored with it.

I won't tell you that it's wrong to wish you never existed. I still wonder why I exist since I generally make people feel awkward and I hate that. But now that you do exist, and since you only get to do it once, I really do hope that you can find that one thing that makes it all worthwhile. Someone will appreciate you even if no one does or seems to right now. I was pretty impressed the other day when I made my coworkers laugh without even meaning to... my weirdness actually brightened their day... kinda made me realize that I'm working at the right place. And sad that I will have to work somewhere else soon after I graduate. Also, pay attention to those little things. When you successfully tell a joke and make someone smile, revel in that feeling. It's a great thing.



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08 Apr 2012, 11:43 pm

Yes, I do feel trapped by my spectrum issues, but I felt worse before I knew I had Asperger's. At least now I know why I am the way I am. There is no way to undo it, but I do have coping methods that help some.


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09 Apr 2012, 12:01 am

Not at all.



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09 Apr 2012, 12:25 am

You can be athletic or intelligent and still be on the spectrum, the fact that the odds are against you makes it even more rewarding when you set challenges and goals for yourself and surpass them. I don't think you should let immature comments define who you are, there's more willpower and self determination in you. If you have the willpower, you can achieve your athletic and academic goals, it's just a matter of being able to push yourself in your mind.



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09 Apr 2012, 12:27 am

Running straight legged is probably just a bad habit you have developed, I think that if you had a good coach to correct your form, it would help.



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09 Apr 2012, 2:15 am

Running I'm like a fish out of water. Growing up I spent alot of time in the pool.



Thebigrage
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09 Apr 2012, 2:46 am

I wouldn't pay attention to the school kids at all trust me i just graduated high school and at times in school yah I felt trapped. I felt lonely like there was no one who cared School doesn't last forever even though it may feel that way. Before u know it your school life will be over with. I have trouble dealing with the outside world and sometimes still feel trapped. However as far as leading a normal life well hate to break it to you but no one on Earth leads a normal life. Cause like time Normality is Relevant. I mean what is your interest/obsession or what ever you call it. Most people with AS can make a great life with their interest. Because they spend sooo much time on it they learn how to make money with it. I learned how to deal with school work by practice as far as efficiancy its different for everyone. Don't be afraid or embarrassed about who you are. You are no different from other people. We are all human and we all have our little quirks, and school is the hardest part of growing up with those quirks because of people who feel that if they don't understand something it deserves to be made fun of. Life gets better even with AS so don't let it discourage you.



Briana_Lopez
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09 Apr 2012, 2:10 pm

Now all these responses have mad a new question for me arise: What is my special interest or obsession? I've got too many things I like and good at. I play soccer, basketball, and softball, as well as play a few instruments trombone being my main instrument, I'm a great cook, I'm an extreme clean (not neat) freak, I can dance really well, and I'm really good with people. I've been so focused on trying to increase the number of interests I have that I've never really took the time to really focus on one particular interest and try to master it to the best of my ability. I already know I want to be a chef when I'm older. I can't just pick one interest to focus on though because I love them all and sticking to one thing gets me bored of it. I don't know what to do with myself anymor. And I don't even know if I'm making any kind of sense right now.



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09 Apr 2012, 4:43 pm

I'm too stubborn to ever have such feelings. Just focus on your accomplishes, and see if there is anything you have done out of your will that most other kids have not.


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glider18
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09 Apr 2012, 7:58 pm

CockneyRebel wrote:
I don't feel trapped at all. I feel quite the opposite. I feel that I'm free to be my own person and express myself any way that I wish. I feel free to think for myself and have my own likes and dislikes. I feel free to follow my instincts and to let myself be. :)


My thoughts exactly---very well said. I feel Asperger's has opened doors for me leading to great excursions into my interests. It has not trapped me.


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UnseenSkye
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23 Jun 2012, 7:11 pm

There is for me the sense of being trapped when I'm in the presence of people who seem to me to be manipulative or controlling in their words and actions. People who seem unable to understand what it means when I explain the need for privacy really tend to be upsetting. Some of the NT humans are genuinely concerned; others are intentionally messing with one's head and playing some form of game that seems (to me) a bit cruel.

Those of us who have managed to compensate by making an effort to learn what did not come naturally (e.g.: intuition) often become absurdly accurate in ability and/or perception. I am very selective about making friends, having learned in very hard and painful ways not to second-guess my initial "gut instincts". I do, however, have a lot of compassion for people who seem to be getting a raw deal from others. Sometimes too much compassion. In other words, I can be played for a sucker.

Due to the usual AS qualities of honesty, loyalty and a desire to protect people I've seen be exploited, I'm the person who is trusted to watch over homes, property and pets. I reside on the property of a disabled Veteran who was being victimized because he loved having people around him. Unfortunately, most of these people were exploiting his kindness as weakness. As I see the bigger picture, thereAlso unfortunately, this man seems to be very dependent upon me for communication and interaction. He tries to interpret my thoughts and moods, which gets to be quite annoying (he's usually inaccurate). This man is a amazing mechanical engineer, having restored cars and motorcycles for many people and promised to help fix problems that developed in my car. He parked my car and it sat for more than four months, as I've been experiencing very lean times financially and according to this man the battery needed to be replaced. I'd foolishly allowed someone else to drive the car and they did very little to maintain it while using it. I live in a high desert town that is isolated with perhaps 200 residents, a post office, a Water District office (soon to be relocated), a small library, one functioning restaurant and maybe four very small businesses run by individuals and/or their family members. Work is scarce and people are not very generous, to put it in extremely polite terms.

There is one bus that travels to the nearest city and back, 1x per day. That single round-trip costs $10 per adult person and I'll not beg, borrow or steal. While I'm well qualified for a variety of jobs in tech, music and human service sectors and have an impeccable background and work history, I've been unemployed for nearly four years. Access to the internet is limited to short hours at a local library or (as in this case), access to a computer while watching a friend's home and pets. Working on people's computers in this town has been a nightmare: either they promise to pay for my time and then don't or refuse to listen to instructions, get themselves into a royal mess and then blame ME because "I was the last person who worked on their computer three, six, nine months ago." Ergo, I should work for free to fix new problems, give free advice, et cetera.

Meanwhile, the disabled Veteran keeps telling me that "I'm doing my job by staying on his property" and suggests I apply for SSI. A few weeks ago, he did in fact return a fully functional battery to the person who'd treated my car so badly. This is when I began seriously questioning whether this man was so fearful of me leaving that he was literally holding me prisoner. When trips are made to the city, he is driving me in his truck (manual. I've only learned to drive automatic.) Once, while in a store for longer than he expected, this man became so frantic he locked his keys inside his truck and then threw a fit and cut out his entire back window.. I told him that it was not my M.O. to wander between stores without communicating my new location. Although...

One very hot morning, I found this man's speech to be childish, insulting and abusive. I set off on foot, without water, without money, without hat or sunglasses, without cell phone (I could no longer afford the service and he knew it..although he pretends surprise when others ask about my cell phone. Yes, I'm applying for a federally-funded "Life Line".) and walked more than four miles to the nearest highway. I was on the verge of heatstroke and at the point of not caring. I probably owe my life to my friend Phyllis and her son "Flame On", who happened to be returning from the nearest city and pulled over to find out why I was walking in triple-digit heat so far from where I've been living, gave me water and a safe place to spend the day. Astonishingly, about one week after this incident, this man "borrowed a battery from his brother" which worked. Alas, my car is making a mysterious "clicking" sound..which "could be something very expensive", so "I shouldn't risk driving it." I think it's time I had a heart-to-heart talk with Phyllis, who drives to the city and back at least three times per week..and hope she takes me seriously.

While there's no doubt my well-documented history of early diagnosis and treatment would qualify me for SSI (and I've been through a lot of emotional and some physical trauma in the past seven years), being a person with AS is a reality I did not and am still hesitant to discuss with potential corporate employers, ever. There is prejudice, which is difficult to prove. In fact, it was only after arriving in this small town that I made the decision to be open with local people about having AS. There are industries in which being a bit different is not at all unusual. It is also extremely unusual for people to "out" me as being on the spectrum. Truth to tell, in my last long-term employment I was hired due to "my extraordinary ability to work with autistic kids and young adults". (!) I was surrounded by people with advanced degrees in Social Work and Psychology and not one of them ever spotted the obvious or questioned my remarkable successes. :roll:

So yes, under the current circumstances, I DO feel trapped. And having AS is being used to "explain my paranoia." It is my preference to work for a company at least part-time, rather than to collect a government check. For me, the structure of a workplace is incredibly important. Knowing that I am contributing to something good in the world, that my presence and efforts have a positive impact, that I belong in a genuinely productive sense.. in some perhaps strange way, my self-esteem and sense of being "real" on this planet appears to be linked directly to What I Am Doing. Working in exchange for a place to stay, providing meals, giving moral support and protection ~ and receiving very limited transportation and occasional work on (with salvaged or borrowed parts for) my car doesn't quite cut it. It is actually a regret I feel for having confided having AS to this person. He misinterprets me, "explains" me to other people (I'm quite capable of explaining myself, should an explanation seem necessary) in a way that (again, imo) undermines me. Thus, when I attempt to talk to others about "the feeling of being controlled against my will", I am told "you just feel this way because of having AS." Which is, I must tell you, utter BS. So I've written at length, here, where others who might find themselves without family or an extended network of strongly supportive friends might see themselves, might avoid falling into situations where they ARE trapped through need and controlled by the insecurities (and strategic actions or inaction) of others, might share advice and their own experiences. TYVM!



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23 Jun 2012, 7:22 pm

I felt that way more when I was younger. Growing up has helped to lessen that quite a bit.


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