Anyone else feel trapped by AS?

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Having AS is a kind of trap that has to be lived with. Just remember, lots of people have different kinds of problems, and feel like you do about existence. Be thankful you don't have major depression. It is actually worse than havung AS.

The more I accept it, the less I feel trapped by it.

same here I learned to be more open about it although I still have issues approaching people I learn to work aroun those situations until I feel comfortable.

I did when people made me feel ashamed of who I was. Now, I completely accept my aspie side.

I used to get seriously upset about being socially inept after spending more than five years in a nonverbal "bubble". At age twelve, I was stripped of all defenses.. that was terrifying! I agree with the proverbial statement "with age comes wisdom". Although, as you can see by my posts, my wisdom has sometimes deserted me, I gave up on the notion of comfortably fitting in or being voted Most Popular in my late teens. My 20's were pretty rocky.. stability scared hell out of me. Being truly loved and accepting same was like wrapping my head around some impossible fantasy. This was likely more the result of C-PTSD "noise".

Fast forward decades: some very strange people consider me "weird". Some are frightened of me simply because they cannot comprehend "where I'm coming from." I'm OK with this.. it's come in pretty handy, in fact. I hope to clarify: I don't feel trapped because of AS. I feel trapped when people use the knowledge of "she's an Aspie" as a means of trying to manipulate me. If there's one facet of myself that wants a "cure", it would be in the realm of Trust. Somewhere in me is this utterly innocent and guileless little girl who wants to believe (and does believe) in the goodness of others and wants to believe the words they say will be consistent with their actions. Bit of a fairy tale, really. I enjoy "that kid" in me, even when a dozen people have laughed in my face because I asked the question: "Doesn't anyone believe in ethics anymore?" during a software development meeting. My response: "I'm glad you find me so entertaining. I'm sure the customers will be laughing when they lose their data."

I feel trapped in only two ways: My temper and the sensory issues. I have a quick fuse, mainly from frustration, and sometimes I have meltdowns. My main sensory issues are auditory and visual. Other than that, the AS works to my advantage somewhat. I work with numbers, and my boss, who has owned the business for 30 years, says that I'm the best person he's ever had in my position. Attention to detail is my forte. I also used to be a technical editor for an international environmental engineering firm. Of course, it's taken numerous firings, resignations, and periods of unemployment to find what I could handle, but that's part of the challenge of having AS. No one can ever accuse us of being lazy.

I see "NT"s as trapped.

Me too.......for many years I felt exactly as the OP feels. In fact I was diagnosed at 13 and it wasn't until I was 24 that I really accepted my diagnosis (I'm 27 now). Like you, OP, I had a lot of difficulty relating to people as a child and was quite socially inept. I had a very pronounced need for sameness and rigidity and one very odd looking stim which led to me standing out and a lot of bullying in elementary and middle school. However I didn't have special interests in a very aspie way.........learning a lot of information about different categories of things. I had my fantasy worlds and later fantasy novels. Sometimes my interests involved different cultures and mythology as well...........but never anything very useful or impressive like becoming great with computers or learning all there is to know about the history of X. I have good rote memory and attention to detail (these are relative strengths) but not excellent. Therefore I felt like I had all the impairments of AS and not the strengths and also did not like the idea of having autism so I actually actively worked to eliminate my autistic traits .....for example trying to make sure I got rid of my odd facial expressions I sometimes have and to make more normal eye contact and making myself go to clubs and bars with my friend in spite of sensory overload and general dislike of these places . I became obsessed with these things to the point that I felt uncomfortable in my own skin with other people because I was so self conscious.....and I wasted so much time in this pointless endeavor.......not something I'd recommend. I studied Psychology for my undergraduate degree (which I just finished...late obviously but with a high A average) and researching ASD's and learning about them in this way somehow changed the way I think about my AS. This website helped a lot too and joining as ASD group they happened to have at my school. I still don't always like myself but have more acceptance for my ASD traits.

I feel completely trapped with it. It's like I have an ''inner NT'' inside me, and that part of me wants to live a conformist life and fit in with other people, but my Aspie-ness is stopping me, which is why I get so miserable because I can't go out and enjoy myself properly without getting worked up or agitated or startled, and also the mood swings play a big role too, and also the horrible vibes I inadvertently give off no matter how well I conform, because of all the critical stares I get from people in public becomes so overwhelming and unsettling. I can't even appreciate looking normal (meaning not deformed or signifficantly unusual) because I might aswell be deformed by the horrible stares I get from people, and it causes me to have a bad image of myself.

Also being unsociable is boring. You have a family get-together at your house and you find you get too agitated sitting in a room with too many people (no matter how much you love them) so you end up isolating yourself in your room then becoming bored and unsettled, and feeling you have to force yourself to go into the lounge with your family and mix.

I hate living life like this, I think Asperger's Syndrome is the worst neurological condition anyone could ever have.

No i don't feel trapped at all.

Not me. I wouldn't have it any other way.

No, that makes quite some sense. There are autistic people who don't have a single special interest; there are those who have a broader range of interests, like you, and then there are those who focus on one special interest for a couple of months, then drop it, move on to the next interest, and so on and so forth.

I can relate to your feeling trapped by your AS, although I myself do not feel the same way at this moment. I cannot provide you with advice, however, on how you would get rid of these feelings.

When I was fifteen, my autism was no longer as 'pronounced' as it had been in my elementary school years. However, at age fifteen, I did experience intense feelings of awkwardness, confusion, isolation even; but that's all too natural for that age. I'm not saying that my autism had been subdued indefinitely at that point, because it's played a greater, more frustrating role again around age 20.
What I'm trying to say here is that perhaps you've yet to "come into your own", so to speak, your mind is in the process of maturing. It's good if you can identify the things about your autism that are hindering you, and perhaps try to work on that. If you don't have anyone else to confide in on the issue of your AS, that's all right; but you'll still have to comfort yourself.

Often, it's actually not as bad as it looks; those who would call you a freak or make fun of you are not that big, bad, and scary. Try to focus on the positive in your life, the things you are good at- in school, among friends, among family, people will appreciate it if they see that you're enjoying whatever it is that holds your interest. To be honest, I can fully understand if you say that you only see negative sides to your AS, and no positives- I've felt that same way in the past. For me, autism was the weight I had to carry on my back, the Sisyphean rock I had to push up the hill, the challenge to overcome. I always contrasted it with my good sides, the things I had going for myself, the things I could take pride in. I think the first step in finding a way out of the 'trap' of autism, would be to identify those positive sides in your own world.

briana, is this kind of hopeless thinking with you all the time or does it come on and last a short time? Are you on medication? Are you taking an SSRI? If yes, maybe the medication or dosage needs to be changed.

When I'm feeling low and start to blame AS, I inevitably have to remind myself that thinking positively or negatively is dependent on brain chemistry. So if you're running and playing sports but still having negative thinking, then most likely certain (positive) neurotransmitters are being blocked in your brain from doing their thing. If this blockage is due to monthly hormonal imbalances, then you can ride it out. If it occurs all the time, then you could see your family physician or your therapist to discuss it with him or her.

When I was a teenager/young adult, I was excessively moody. But I did not have a diagnosis of AS. I thought I was stuck being this moody, unhappy but talented and naive girl. That was 40 years ago. Now, with so many advances in medicine, psychiatry and pharmacology, you have many options and don't need to go it alone.

I've never taken medications for my AS before. I've never even brought it up except for when I was providing my health info for my new doctor. I've had these feelings ever since I was diagnosed 5 years ago. I guess I just haven't accepted myself yet. I don't know how long it's going to take for me to be accepted. I'm still scared that if I tell my friends I have Aspergers, they'll never accept me and leave me hanging. I'm friends with a lot of the "popular" kids in my school, and if one of them were to ever spill the beans about me, my reputatuion for being one of the most social, non preppy kids in my school. It's not like I can talk to anyone about it either since I don't think my guidence counselor likes me after I quit her freshman basketball team (my AS showed A LOT), my mom can't afford a therepist for me, I don't qualify for any "support" in school, and talking about it to NT's makes me very uncomfortable.
When I was little, I used to get OT ans Speech, which worked wonders on me, and I was put on IEP and 504 until I was in 2nd grade, even though I still needed assistance. I've just had to gorw on my own since then, like all the NTs around me. I do my best each day to act NT. Each morning, I have to think about what I want to do, then I have to think about the possible social situations and what responses are appropriate and aren't appropriate. I don't want to use AS as an excuse to be rude (I've heard some people say that). And I have to get myself into all the trends so I'm not made fun of in school or out in public, although I do like the trends. I'm very insecure about myself and i care about what people think of me. It's very difficult to try to hide AS when you know somewhere inside of you a little aspie demon's trying to break free from your body.

I totally agree that NT is like being in a box that rarely changes. Maybe the contents get rearranged from time to time, but it all seems too predictable... akin to the holiday fruitcake no one really wants, so the wrapping is changed from one year and one recipient to the next, but it's the same old fruitcake in the same old box. Maybe my pattern recognition is a bit too precise, but rarely do I see something marvelous and unexpected (in a positive sense) coming from the NT direction. I am not easily bored by humans...not easily bored in general, but when I hear myself "explained" to someone else in a way that is totally incorrect and can see it coming and am waiting for it and even predict the exact words that are used? That's really pathetic, particularly when the NT is trying to appear benevolent regarding the "poor Aspie". If I hear the words "See? She takes everything 'literal'." one more time, I'm going to go on a very lengthy "walkabout". Literally.

I have often felt handicapped when it comes to trying to establish a romantic relationship.To ask a woman out on a date takes a lot of social and emotional skill.AS really is a developmental condition.,we improve with age but it certainly isn't easy going through the growing pains. I can laugh now about some of my earlier attempts to court women .I made wrong choices on just about every front:my approach was bad and I often chose to go after women who really were not right for me . I don't feel trapped now but certainly did when I was younger.