conflicting feelings - want friends vs don't want friends?

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Blue Jay
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09 Apr 2012, 12:53 am

After a a couple of really toxic friendships (one after the other, each lasting about 5 years) I got really burnt out socially. I've since spent a few years with only one friend I see a couple of times a year and my partner. Sometimes I feel pretty lonely but when the opportunity comes up to spend time with people (say, partner's friend and his partner) I just can't be bothered. In the first place social interactions are tiring, in the second place I've learned that 99.99999% of the time if people are friendly to me its because they have intentions of using/manipulating me (because I'm easy like that).

As well, I've joined clubs and sporting activities motivated mainly by the hope that I could "meet" people. I really aim to just build familiarity and have people in my life who are willing to give me a smile, a nod and a "hello" when I see them once a week or so. It never works out - people keep their distance from me and I don't know how to bridge the gap. And, deep down I was really hoping to make friends... so that just makes it all the more disappointing.

I really, really don't know what I want. Sometimes I wish I had friends but then I find people so untrustworthy and people find me so repulsive. I don't know whether to spend time building social skills or at home being a hermit scheming to move to the county and hide away from the world. It's confusing. Does anyone else have these sorts of conflicting feelings?



questor
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09 Apr 2012, 1:36 am

I used to want to have friends when I was younger, but also had trouble with this. When I tried I was almost always treated badly. Also, most of the time, I didn't see the point, as I couldn't really relate to other people's interests, and was put off by their unachievable expectations of me. I did have one or two friends in school, but when I was done with school I didn't see them any more. I finally gave up on trying, as I see no benefits for me in having an in person friendship, and I am not really able to provide any realistic benefits to others. I don't mind hanging out here at WP, but I am not interested in the general social sites at all. I prefer being solitary, as it is far less stressful than dealing with other people.


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alexi
Deinonychus
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09 Apr 2012, 1:44 am

I can relate to what you are saying. I want to have friends just one or two) though I really have no idea how to make that connection or how to find the energy to maintain a friendship. Maybe it's not meant to cost so much energy if it is the right type of person, a real friend. There is someone who I really want to be friends with at the moment, but I have absolutely no clue how to show that. And I don't see what she could possibly get out of a friendship with me. I don't want a pity friendship. It makes me feel alone too.



Aspertastic424
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09 Apr 2012, 2:26 am

Don't focus too much on trying to be peoples friends. Not everyone is going to like you. Just be friendly, dont ask people too much about themselves, and move on. Try to join clubs with something you are actually interested in



namaste
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09 Apr 2012, 6:33 am

I face the same dilemma too.
I go around talking with everyone in my office, colony and even mothers of children who study with my son...
but in that very few people show interest majority of them find me boring
colleagues at work generally pass comments about me that i am quite and naive etc.
many of my past friends have used and manipulated me for their own gains.
now i just keep talking with people and dont try to get close to them or socialise with them
i just do general talk.
i try to talk with lonely people somehow they dont seem to degrade me since even they seek companionship
they are cordial with me.


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Ria1989
Deinonychus
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09 Apr 2012, 9:02 am

namaste wrote:
I face the same dilemma too.
I go around talking with everyone in my office, colony and even mothers of children who study with my son...
but in that very few people show interest majority of them find me boring
colleagues at work generally pass comments about me that i am quite and naive etc.
many of my past friends have used and manipulated me for their own gains.
now i just keep talking with people and dont try to get close to them or socialise with them
i just do general talk.
i try to talk with lonely people somehow they dont seem to degrade me since even they seek companionship
they are cordial with me.


This sounds like me, especially about the colleagues part. Colleagues at my last job said how much of an introvert I am, and that I'm so gullible. Now I just don't talk to people unless they talk to me first, and even then, I'd rather not talk to people who don't care if they're hurting someone else. If they don't feel bad about what they do, I don't want to be by them. I'm not going to be their punching bag.

I agree with talking to lonely people; they are way more understanding.


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