Punitive Self Monitor

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Does anyone relate to this?

I have an ever-present, rigid, critical self monitor watching my every move & waiting for a slip up. I was reading about executive functioning dysregulation and a lack of self monitoring was one of the symptoms.
I'm wondering if I developed or took on this "monitor" because at some level I was aware I was not "normal" - not like my nt sister perhaps.
I do have other problems with executive function but this just got me thinking...

Best, Zel.

I have a highly critical self-monitor. She is much much harsher on me for messing up in social situations than the other actual people involved in those situations. I have often wondered if this was a result of growing up with NTs.

If I had to deal with someone like that i think I would either fire them, act very annoying and horrible till they go away or something. I am already worried enough about crap I don't need someone breathing down my neck to criticize me every time I do anything.

I have a self-monitor, too. He (or she or it) always criticises me when I congratulate myself for doing something well, by showing me that actually I didn't do it well at all by some better standard. Years ago my therapist pointed out to me that this was happening and since then I just ignore my self-monitor or tell him (or her or it) to shut up.

Yup. I have one of those. She's a complete and total b***h...

...and my therapist says I should fire her.

I'm afraid to. I'm pretty sure she's a lot of the reason that I'm as high-functioning as I am.

EXACTLY! I'm sure I wouldn't be nearly as high functioning without this monitor.
It's a huge pay off though - I feel like I live in a straight jacket and it's extremely exhausting watching myself and making sure I'm behaving properly all the time.
So exhausting that I now have chronic fatigue as I've mentioned before.
I think it breeds resentment too, to never just be yourself.

Problem is, it's now such a habit I can't just decide to "drop it".
I don't think I feel safe without it.

Thanks for all replies, Zel.

I JUST realized this about myself early today, before I read this thread. I was telling my girlfriend that if I wasn't so anxious all the time, I'd probably be weirder. I feel like being anxious allows me to monitor what I say, and if I worried less, I would say awkward things more often.

I guess it's hyper vigilance. I also feel like without it, when I'm too exhausted to keep it up, I sink into dark depression. So it's an avoidance thing or me too.

Zel.

Yes, "Dr. Don't F Up" often rides shotgun with me. Taking adderall has helped a lot with that though, it really makes a huge difference in executive function for me.

Yup-- Definitely exhausting. Hubby says it shows, that the more I listen to that "voice," actually, the weirder I seem. I don't believe him. I don't think he has a clue about the extent to which "that voice" tells me what to do (or more accurately, what to NOT do, which is just about everything). It is safe. It is also incredibly stressful.

I don't think "normal" people know what it feels like to, actually, like yourself, and to simply deny yourself the privilege of putting that liking into action.

I suspect I would enjoy socializing a lot more without the jackbooted drill sergeant...

...if anyone ever wanted to socialize with me.

I tend to monitor myself a lot too and I tend to be harsher on myself than others are on me. Sometimes I punish myself excessively more than I should. I tend to focus too much on my negatives than my possitives because of it.