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coffeebean
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20 Oct 2013, 8:03 pm

StarCity wrote:
coffeebean wrote:
I've often had the opposite experience. Whenever I was around other Aspies they were disinterested or simply unwilling to let me join in, but I experienced at least some attention, kindness, and acceptance from NTs.


Hi coffeebean,

I've noticed this also. I think that maybe the best people for us to be freinds with are open minded individuals.
As an example, today I had a great conversation with a homeless man. Most people just ignored him, but in fact talking to him was the best conversation I have had for weeks.
He was obviously intelligent, and he shared all sorts of knowledge with me about Roman times, the quirks of current society, and how best to catch fish.
Most people just talk about drivel & meaningless clap-trap.


I guess you can pick up all kinds of interesting things when you stand back from it all. :)

If it weren't for such open-minded NTs I'd be very lonely. A few times when I was younger the only reason NTs talked to me was to poke fun at me as a curiosity, but at least I existed to them. If I had to be a freak I'm happy I was a freak that was worth paying attention to. I can theorize as to why NTs sometimes weren't and sometimes aren't interested in me, or even as to why they sometimes saw me as a target, but I have no idea why other Aspies have so consistently turned me away, passed over me, or even made fun of me themselves.



AspiePride12345
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21 Oct 2013, 7:38 pm

I think people generally just very selfish and kind of closed off these days, like if you are not in their social circle from day dot then they are quite rude and unfriendly. The World has got a crueler and colder place and I understand the World is not the best right now but we should all help each other. I find it hard to understand so many NTs behaviors because I always look at things logically. NTs are scared of what's different.



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22 Oct 2013, 12:23 pm

I find a lot of people dislike any shyness about a person, as though shyness is a social turn off (unless they actually know them or get to know them). Shy people can't help being shy, and it doesn't mean to say we dislike any social interaction. Surely NTs aren't too stupid to understand that, as it is a social fact. Even I understand that.

I spend a lot of my time worrying and wondering why strangers hardly ever say hello to me when passing - but they do other people when I'm with them. And it doesn't always take a smile and strong eye contact to get a casual greet from a passing stranger, because I've often been with somebody who isn't even looking at a stranger walking by, and they just manage to meet their eye at the very last second with a blank face (because they didn't expect them to be coming so they haven't got time to smile or make other friendly moves), and that stranger still says ''hello''. But it doesn't work when I do that, and it doesn't work when I give people a friendly smile either (no, I don't give them a big stupid grin). I often practice how to smile nicely in the mirror, and I always look so nice and approachable each time, and I know I do the same smile at people, but all I get is a hostile glare, or they turn away. I just don't see where I am going wrong. It's not the fact that people ignore me what bothers me. It's more the principle of the matter what bothers me.

:idea: - this might come in useful to some paranoid or socially phobic/anxious Aspies here:-
The other day I did figure out what it might be. No, it's not what I wear or how I hold myself (those I don't do differently to anyone else). It's because of being too conscious of how and when I look at people, which makes imagination play a small part of it too. Meeting people's eye subconsciously is probably what does the trick of socially attracting strangers passing by. But I've become too conscious of it that eye contact what I make probably looks forced, making me appear more nervous and shows up fear. The question is, how to I make it so I go back to looking at people subconsciously, before I got all this social anxiety and misery? It's no good telling me to try to distract my thoughts on to something else to avoid awkwardness when coming towards a stranger, because my brain will know why I'm trying to distract my thoughts on to something else and so will still make me look at the stranger consciously instead of subconsciously.

But anyway, sorry if I can't find a solution, but I have figured out the heart of the problem. Of course this might not be exactly what the OP is getting at, but I just thought I'd share how it affects me and some other Aspies here who feels emotionally afflicted by unexplainable unfriendliness of other people.


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League_Girl
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22 Oct 2013, 12:48 pm

I have seen unfriendly people of all kinds. Some people are just not nice people and they are not worth my time and some obviously have problems so it makes them act unfriendly.


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bumble
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22 Oct 2013, 3:45 pm

Joe90 wrote:
I find a lot of people dislike any shyness about a person, as though shyness is a social turn off (unless they actually know them or get to know them). Shy people can't help being shy, and it doesn't mean to say we dislike any social interaction. Surely NTs aren't too stupid to understand that, as it is a social fact. Even I understand that.

I spend a lot of my time worrying and wondering why strangers hardly ever say hello to me when passing - but they do other people when I'm with them. And it doesn't always take a smile and strong eye contact to get a casual greet from a passing stranger, because I've often been with somebody who isn't even looking at a stranger walking by, and they just manage to meet their eye at the very last second with a blank face (because they didn't expect them to be coming so they haven't got time to smile or make other friendly moves), and that stranger still says ''hello''. But it doesn't work when I do that, and it doesn't work when I give people a friendly smile either (no, I don't give them a big stupid grin). I often practice how to smile nicely in the mirror, and I always look so nice and approachable each time, and I know I do the same smile at people, but all I get is a hostile glare, or they turn away. I just don't see where I am going wrong. It's not the fact that people ignore me what bothers me. It's more the principle of the matter what bothers me.

:idea: - this might come in useful to some paranoid or socially phobic/anxious Aspies here:-
The other day I did figure out what it might be. No, it's not what I wear or how I hold myself (those I don't do differently to anyone else). It's because of being too conscious of how and when I look at people, which makes imagination play a small part of it too. Meeting people's eye subconsciously is probably what does the trick of socially attracting strangers passing by. But I've become too conscious of it that eye contact what I make probably looks forced, making me appear more nervous and shows up fear. The question is, how to I make it so I go back to looking at people subconsciously, before I got all this social anxiety and misery? It's no good telling me to try to distract my thoughts on to something else to avoid awkwardness when coming towards a stranger, because my brain will know why I'm trying to distract my thoughts on to something else and so will still make me look at the stranger consciously instead of subconsciously.

But anyway, sorry if I can't find a solution, but I have figured out the heart of the problem. Of course this might not be exactly what the OP is getting at, but I just thought I'd share how it affects me and some other Aspies here who feels emotionally afflicted by unexplainable unfriendliness of other people.


Sweetie, not everyone thinks badly of shy people. I can find shyness quite endearing myself. I don't think less of someone just because they are shy and I am (nt or otherwise) just as likely to chat to a shy person as I am to a not so shy one. I won't pressure them to come out of their shell any faster than they feel comfortable doing so. I don't mind if they don't look at me when talking to me, I don't mind if they stutter or if they don't have much to say. It is not a problem. If they are awkward that is ok too...I don't think less of them for that either.

I do think people who are nasty to shy or socially awkward people because they are shy or socially awkward are prats though!



JSBACHlover
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22 Oct 2013, 4:20 pm

I read ever post on this thread, and data seem to suggest that not all NTs are mean and not all Aspies are nice.

More importantly, I do think we Aspies have the responsibility to learn social cues, to adjust our facial expressions, to practice small-talk, etc. If you act odd according to social norms, don't you think it would be a normal reaction for an NT (or even another Aspie) to want to get away from you?

It's not about "not being yourself" it's about changing your behavior. At least this is my opinion on this. I've tried weird and I've tried normal and normal works better in the real world!