Aspie girl needs advice on aspie guy and flirting.

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I met a really great guy in the autism group I attend a few months ago. We started hanging out outside the group last month and have been spending hours every week doing fun things around town. I have dated other aspies before, but he is the first person I ever met who lowers instead of raises my anxiety level when we are together. We have enough special interests in common that we end up talking non-stop yet enough differences to spark a variety of discussions.

My problem is so far he describes us as friends and I don't think he knows I would like to be more than than that.

Well meaning NTs tell me I should take things slow and give him time to figure it out for himself, but I don't know if the same rules for NT/NT relationships would apply for an AS/AS situation.

I would like feedback from my fellow aspies.
Should I tell him how I feel about him right away or wait for him to get the hint even though we both have problems sending and receiving non verbal signals?

Also, if anyone who reads this has experience with an AS/AS relationship.
How did you flirt or show romantic interest towards another aspie?

Hi Krazykat, to start with I have never been in a romantic relationship before, and asume from your post you've never kissed/done things romantic couples usually do.

I would advise to ask specifically, either indirectly by saying something like, "(name), I have to admit to really liking you as a person, do you think we can be more than just friends", or directly "I really like you (name), and I've thought it would be great if we could be in a romantic relationship", or "should we start calling ourselves boyfriend/girlfriend".

I disagree with the NTs as if he hasn't figured out you want to be more than friends by now (after some months), ask yourself (and your NT friends perhaps) when he will.

My only issue would be that if nothing romantic has started by this time, he probably doesn't want to be in a romantic relationship with you

No, don't tell him directly that you like him. That will scare him off. Make it indirect.

If he says no, remember a lot of aspie guys at those groups are very emotionally immature and freak out easily, even if they don't appear that way. AS/Autism support groups often attract people who have bigger problems, naturally.

I still don't know how to tell aspie men I like them without freaking them out, and neither do a few aspie girlfriends of mine, despite them being much prettier, younger and more mature. I just gather a lot of AS men who go to those groups are just plain bonkers. Good luck.

I greatly prefer the direct approach. I would wager that he likes you too and is just trying everything he can not to screw up what he has. I did this for a long time. I would be attracted to a girl that was my friend and choose not to show any signs of it for fear that I would be rejected and that I would lose one of my only friends in the process.


It even happened this way with my wife, until I gave some change to a hobo on the street and he said "thanks, I hope you and your girlfriend have a good day." After he walked a way she asked if I wanted her to be my girlfriend, I responded "I sort of hoped you would"..... real romantic huh..


Anywho, without that hobo or her prompting a response I think I would be alone today.



So my suggestion is to just ask him one of these questions:

"Would you be interested in dating me?"
"I am attracted to you, any chance you feel the same?"

Or you could be sneaky and infer that you are already dating in you mind:
"Can we make the next date something a little more romantic?"
"How come you haven't kissed me yet?"

He may be a little confused at first but I think he will be rather excited he got to skip all the non-sense formality, and that you are content with the meeting you share as "dates".

Ha, I remember a hobo telling my gay friend to ask me out, acting as if he had such wisdom and experience and knew what he was seeing.

Thanks for the advice so far!

I was thinking of telling him about the anxiety lowering effect he has on me and that I have feelings for him, but i don't want it to negatively affect our friendship if he doesn't feel the same.
He is four years younger than me so I am aware he is most likely less mature than I am.

Just to clarify we met at an activity fun group run by autistics for autistics and we both were mild enough that we missed being diagnose until our 20s. I have been to an AS support group run by NT social workers and most of the people there were on the more messed up side

I did have an NT boyfriend for a few weeks when I was 16 and we did kiss and stuff like that, but it didn't work for very long. I did not attempt to start dating again until I was diagnosed with Asperger's last year and found out what the heck was going on with me.

Are there any good books/articles about aspie dating?
So far I have only been able to find information for NTs dating NTs or NT women involved with aspie men

Tell him. Be honest and straight to the point.

Just my 2p.

Same as with the NTs I had relationships with, assuming they weren't all on the spectrum. I didn't flirt in the "adult sex moves" kind of way. I just made friends with them and we because close, and when there was nobody else in the way, it would become a relationship. I'd do stuff like sitting closer to them than I would with another person, and clown about a fair bit (for me, flirting = playing), but mostly it was about keeping in touch, taking an interest in each other, sharing interests. I think if the sexual orientation of the individuals is right, then any reasonably close friendship is very likely to become a sexual relationship as long as they don't annoy each other too much first.

You can probably get away with being a lot more direct about how you feel than you could with an NT, and at least you won't have to put up with much of that salsa-dancing, behind-the-scenes rubbish that seems to characterise the NT mating game. Maybe it's best not to play down your feelings for him, unless they're stronger than you feel they ought to be. The women I've known who have pretended not to like me, have only ever made me feel unwanted. Aspies can be remarkably poor at picking up subtle signs of interest.......in my case it it were yelled at me through a loudhailer I'd probably still not quite believe it. Looking back, I'm amazed at the signals I never gave anything like enough weight to.

Just be straight, and keep evaluating him.

So what happened?

Lol! I thought this thread died and went to thread heaven

We are now in a dating relationship because, I finally point blank asked him if he thought we were on our way to being more than friends and he did!

Also, he went to see an Autism specialist to get a formal diagnosis and it turns out he is not on the spectrum. He does have Non Verbal Learning Disorder, so I think we might be the first AS/NVLD relationship in history

I don't know if it will last because, he wants to take things extremely slowly when it comes to physical stuff like kissing. Since I find him quite attractive I am getting a little frustrated and impatient. He also picks up on even less non verbal cues than I do.
Otherwise, he is very good for me. In the last few months he threw me a huge surprise party for my birthday, brought me flowers when I had emergency surgery for my gallbladder and was nice enough to give my verbally abusive grandmother a tour of the local art gallery while she yelled at him the whole time

Anyway, I'm just trying to relax and see how things develop from here.

I've heard of male Aspies doing that before. I think what happens is that we've had such rotten luck with the opposite sex that slowing right down seems the ony way to avoid the risk of another heartbreak.

It's a wise thing to do, IMHO. In my case it makes good sense. I'm very slow to judge character, and until I've done that, would I not be a fool to commit to the unknown? The problem is made worse by the way people usually behave rather differently with a new potential partner, carefully avoiding giving offense and generally being more agreeable and attentive, and having an alltogether more positive manner than usual, because they're pleased and excited about the new possibilities There's also attachment theory, which says that, when in a relationship, the person's behaviour towards their partner will be impacted by their childhood experiences at the hands of their primary caregiver, which again makes character assessment difficult even for the best of us. We have to judge what a person will be like when they've been in a relationship for a few years. Even NTs have a huge failure rate for selecting partners, so we really do need to take extra care.

Problem is, it's very frustrating for the other person if they're feeling more confident. So it's hard to find anybody with the patience to wait for long, and if the Aspie's capacity to judge character is impaired enough, he may never get to the point where he can feel sure enough to go ahead. It's also possible for a deep-rooted general fear of intimacy to hide behind what looks like reasonable caution, and so tomorrow may never come unless they can be persuaded to take a very good look at themselves. I suppose everybody has to make their own choice about how long they're prepared to wait.

He is a little more touch aversive than I am. I don't know if it's a sensory issue or a strong startle reflex. I have sensory issues with touch also, but when I'm attracted to someone it's like a switch is flipped and I start craving physical contact.
I kissed him on the check at the end of our last date and he responded by taking a flying leap backwards and running away
He doesn't seem to feel as awkward about the incident as I did and he has been initiating hand-holding more often lately.

Glad to hear!! !

I remember I was very afraid of my first make out, I was crawling backwards... flying leap is what I would have done if I was standing

Wow! You definitely need to cut him some slack on the physical affection, because guys who will make out with you are everywhere, but someone who does things like that is very rare.