Encounters with narcissism - crossing paths

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abyssquick
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03 May 2012, 10:30 am

Last year, a relationship of nearly a decade ended, and I have been recapitulating my experience in the relationship trying to learn from it. We were together from age 19 - and in 2007 we bought a house together. I have been realizing that this person was most likely a narcissist. She always had odd, selfish behaviors which I could not account for - and since I am unconditionally loving / forgiving person by nature, I had the capacity to overlook, resist, rationalize such behavior. I never had the ability to look at it directly until now, outside the relationship.
Some of her consistent behaviors:

- Ability to influence/manipulate people (she made them think she just was the nicest person)
- Stealing from employers if she felt she wasn't getting due recognition/appreciation - which was ALWAYS. She stole $2000 of my belongings at the end of our relationship...
- Cheating on me (she would "break off" the relationship temporarily to have flings, all while living with me, using my car, texting/chatting right in front of me. It would be my fault for being "hung up" about it.)
- Instigating jealousy by saying "If I wasn't in a relationship, I'd have had sex with so-and-so"...
- Badmouthing any of my reactions to her behavior to get sympathy from others. Insular approach to any relationship.
- Addiction to sex, mastrubation, excessive horniness.
- Never used drugs or alcohol - (self-control freak) - would not allow me to drink alcohol either, lest she judge me for it.
- Tantrums, drama, overreactions to any criticism
- Using all my stuff, my car, sleeping the in the same bed, even at times while (according to her) I was "not in a relationship."
- No ability to empathize.
- No capacity for other people's painful or negative states/experiences (she would run away from anything emotionally intense)
- Never taking responsibility for any of these behaviors
- Always able to portray every scenario so that she was the victim.
- Always able to draw out my worst qualities in reaction to her behavior, so that I coiuld be portrayed as "the as*hole".
- Blame me for everything she did - i.e. "It's your fault I act this way!"

...and I took all these things for granted, under my ability for "unconditional love." I found it endearing at times, amusing at other times - I figured she was aware of how ridiculous she was being. Basically she acted like a spoiled child in an adult body, she nearly drove me insane, and I tolerated it. The last few years she would make me so aggravated, so angry at times. I developed so much steel just to deal with it. When I was merely reacting to her behaviors in any negative way, she would cry to others about how I was being mean to her - she would rally people against me. I was not allowed to have anything other than fun happy, positive emotions ever. Anything else, and she would leave (take my car, stay at a "friend's" house - which, of course, was whatever guy she planning to exploit/drain next).

It's been bothering me, because I have also realized that many of the women who had been attracted to me showed several of these traits strongly. I now recognize one of my good female friends as most certainly narcissistic. She talks to me, because I listen to her, because I empathize and give her emotional attention. I also dodged a bullet in 2010 with a girl who would have likely been more of the same... and I now recognize that something about my personality attracts these people. So I am learning as much about them as I can, so as to avoid them. I think people with Asperger's can be the ideal prey for these kinds of vampires... perhaps because we're so kind and socially naive.

It's very had for me to admit now how I was being used, let alone how I actually cared for, and missed this person when they were gone. They were just terrible by any objective standard. Outside of it all, I now see more clearly, and I'm annoyed with myself, but also relieved. My depression, anxiety, and panic have all subsided greatly.

Does anyone else have tales of crossing paths with narcissism? Does anyone else seem to attract these types of personalities in the opposite sex?



Last edited by abyssquick on 03 May 2012, 11:44 am, edited 2 times in total.

Mack27
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03 May 2012, 11:18 am

I had 6 month relationship with a female who I am convinced was a narcissist. She sounds much like what you describe. Aspies and Narcissists are a recipe for disaster, she made me miserable a lot. Aspie loyalty is exploited to the extreme with them. They prey on us I think. We can see them for who they are and still love them, once they figure that out they get worse. What really gets me is that I didn't overlook her narcissism, I found it strangely endearing a lot of times. I recognized a pattern for many of whom I considered to be my closest friends over the years, I must be a good source of narcissistic supply.



JanuaryMan
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03 May 2012, 11:23 am

Yes, OP. A good few years ago. Dated a girl a couple of years younger than me.
I put a lot of those traits down to immaturity but looking at it now from your post, I'd say they were on the narcissist koolaid.
I was a lot younger, naive and sensitive then and perhaps stayed in the relationship much longer than was healthy for both of us (til I called it off, then they began a bit of a campaign against me LOL much like your ex took possessions). 8-9 months was enough. 10 years? Wow!



mv
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03 May 2012, 11:36 am

I was married to someone with NPD. It was awful. I'm so very glad I'm out of that marriage, though we still raise our children together.



abyssquick
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03 May 2012, 11:46 am

JanuaryMan wrote:
10 years? Wow!


Yes - I really can't believe it. It feels like I wasted a huge part of my youth on it. I was in autopilot for at least half of it. Emotionally calloused, disconnected, living in my head. A state which comes too easily for Aspies, I think. My sense of loyalty was abused - I sacrificed myself, and what I thought, how I felt, entirely for a person who did not deserve it.



abyssquick
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07 May 2012, 3:06 pm

I am a very accepting person. I want to know and trust any significant other completely - it is my nature. I use the word "friend" only to mean those with whom I can be emotionally honest, unrestrained, without custom or pretense. (whereas most people I think mean "people who like me" or "people I often hang around with"). I fully understand and accept that every human around me has as much consciousness, history, emotional existence and legitimacy as I do. I believe within this sense that other humans are my bothers/sisters deserving of my attention and patience.

This happy-frappy default state does not help me with narcissistic and sociopathic personalities, though. It leaves me open to being exploited by them. I realize now how I need to safeguard against these personalities.

I as well, found the 'endearing' thing. For me it was a point of pride, feeling immune to her shenanigans. I was tolerant to the extreme. In some ways I am better for it - but it came at a great price, with much suffering attached. I am glad that was at least temporary.