Got officially diagnosed today

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Went with my folks, went in with my mom but had to talk alone with the doc for a little. It was very brutal and I was terrified, panicky and scared the whole time plus ashamed. I gave the doctor a long letter I wrote first off where I said "I have trouble verbalizing my feelings in words a lot so I wrote down a lot of stuff, please read this when you can. I know you can't right now". It had a lot of very personal details I just...could not say in words but had to tell someone. My mom did a lot of talking for me first with me confirming/agreeing, it seemed very cut and dry at first. Went through my first diagnoses as a small child, which my parents got a second opinion on because of how contriversial autism was back in the early 90s. Talked about grade school, middleschool, highschool, anxieties, suicide attempts for attention, certain ex-friends etc.

I told him about my sleeping habits and how "bad" sexual thoughts were to me anymore and tons of stuff that just hard. I explained to him many times situations where I felt so ashamed to say certain words I would say "well..I don't want to say it...but you...know what I'm hinting at right?" and would do a motion with my hand. I'd make it really obvious (he did know what I was referring to). He asked me a bunch of standard questions (what day is it, what time is it etc etc). At first stuff was very cut dry, the way he talked he scared me a lot and felt cold. I was almost certain he was going to just say nothing was wrong with me or that I was a horrible insane person. Its hard to explain. When you've felt a way all your life and feel strongly about it part of you wants validation but the other part wants genuine help and not just hypochondriac s**t. I was as honest as possible, even correcting him and mom when stuff they said sounded worse than what I knew it to be. I felt so embarrassed and dumb and guilty, my stomach was in absolute knots like it was school again
or worse yet the military.

He called my mom out to ask me some very personal questions I won't even go into. We talked, he made a plane analogy (I think he did it on purpose to make me smile since he knew I had a thing for jets, I had a yefim gordon book on Mig-23s clutched in my hand, it made me feel safer) about mental conditions and told me there was so one schematic or part or a pill to fix me. He did say I had a lot of deep, deep problems and that I had done something very good by finally realizing I had them and going to someone. I explained to him how I had doctors as a kid but I just told them what they wanted to hear out of fear and expectations. I made it clear to him I was scared but that I had to be truthful about everything, as much as it hurt. He told me I would def. need counseling and he assigned some random SSRI and told me he may have to seek higher help too depending on how I do with him.

I left feeling kind of strange. I didn't quite know if it was a verbal anti-placebo he was giving me or what, something to make me not freak out or feel dumb for spilling the beans. He called in my mom and I waited quite a long time compared to when I talked to him. I waited and when Mom left I said "I really didn't like the guy, he seemed like an as*hole who thought I was full of s**t." "Oh no he loves you and thinks you're the most fascinating case he's ever had in his entire career. He is certain you have aspergers and is going to share your info (keeping name anonymous) to his colleagues to talk about." Apparently he's a member of some club or doctor's association where they share their strangest/most interesting patients, though keeping all names anonymous. Getting into the car I felt really odd. Sick and very sad.

For so long part of me would argue with the other part of myself and say "NOTHING IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU'RE JUST A FAILURE HAHAHA" but those feelings in the doctor's office..that helplessness and sickness and fear, it was so bad. I also feel sick because of the apparent severity of the issue, though both my parents are trying to convince me to be positive. You'd think with this "label" I'd feel..more well, part of a group..but honestly this is just a forum, no offense guys. I love sharing my feelings and posting topics and hearing what you have to say, but in reality I feel like I'm on this lonely island now. I just feel really depressed. I also can't get any meds yet because what I was assigned is too expensive so I'm going to need something cheaper until I manage to get on SSI (that will take a year at least). I'm trying to look toward the close future though. I'm excited...though very nervous for an art course I'm taking this summer at the community college. Not quite sure how I'll be able to handle being around others for the first time in awhile, hopefully I'll be on something by then. The anxiety meds I took in the past really helped but I'm all outta those sadly.

So yeah, I'm an aspie I guess...and other things. The doctor admitted my mom I was a bit of a unique specimen, I'm trying to view that as a good thing but I keep thinking of other stuff. I'll get better and I was able to talk and tell EVERYTHING to someone who clearly doesn't think I'm full of s**t. He might make me uncomfortable but he seems genuine and knows what he talks about.

Well at least you know you're among friends here!