Approaching women in public places

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ToughDiamond
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06 Oct 2017, 5:26 pm

hale_bopp wrote:
ToughDiamond wrote:
Well, when I was younger and more hopeful, I had some success in starting conversations with strangers - I walked into a pub I'd never been in, and joined in with the conversation at the bar. Other times were chatting to passengers on trains. Though in spite of my practice, I've not felt able to sustain the effort. I think the best approach is to forget all about "asking them out" and just make the occasional small friendly gesture where it seems appropriate, regardless of partner potential. Just hanging about in bars with the intention of pulling by closing time, well I only ever knew of one who did that successfully, and he was a very troubled man.


This is good advice.

Thanks. :) It's 5 years since I wrote it, but it still makes sense to me. As a teenager I felt pretty desperate about finding a girlfriend, which couldn't be helped, but I was silly enough to act desperate too, which scared them off. Vicious cycle. Once I'd learned to relax, the problem went away and I was hardly ever partnerless after that, though the next step (fostering a good relationship) took me about 40 years.



hale_bopp
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06 Oct 2017, 8:02 pm

ToughDiamond wrote:
hale_bopp wrote:
ToughDiamond wrote:
Well, when I was younger and more hopeful, I had some success in starting conversations with strangers - I walked into a pub I'd never been in, and joined in with the conversation at the bar. Other times were chatting to passengers on trains. Though in spite of my practice, I've not felt able to sustain the effort. I think the best approach is to forget all about "asking them out" and just make the occasional small friendly gesture where it seems appropriate, regardless of partner potential. Just hanging about in bars with the intention of pulling by closing time, well I only ever knew of one who did that successfully, and he was a very troubled man.


This is good advice.

Thanks. :) It's 5 years since I wrote it, but it still makes sense to me. As a teenager I felt pretty desperate about finding a girlfriend, which couldn't be helped, but I was silly enough to act desperate too, which scared them off. Vicious cycle. Once I'd learned to relax, the problem went away and I was hardly ever partnerless after that, though the next step (fostering a good relationship) took me about 40 years.


Thumbs up. You’re on to it.



DW_a_mom
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09 Oct 2017, 3:12 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
DW_a_mom wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
All the men here who are saying that it worked for them at times are men of older generation - I don't think it's coincidence.

I don't think this can work anymore


I think it is more difficult now with everyone glued to their phones, and answers to common questions now at your finger tips on that phone. But I still manage to engage occasionally in random conversations with strangers. Obviously not to date, since I'm married, but it isn't that different. The ice breaker shouldn't be an obvious "I'm trying to date you" kind of thing, anyway.

Some Aspies (like my son) are fine talking to strangers and some aren't. It think whether or not it can work depends on the person.

Neither of my kids internet date.

Some examples of when I've done random conversations:
1. Grocery store lines, if the person above is buying something I have interest in.
2. Waiting together somewhere when we aren't already on our phones.
3. Sitting next to someone on a busy bus, plane or train, if they aren't already reaching for an electronic device.
4. Sharing a table in a crowded coffee shop, if they aren't engaged with an electronic device.
5. Going over to the other stand alone person at some awkward school (for my kids) event.

I don't think you should ever approach someone to cold ask them out. You have to engage and allow each of you to get a sense of each other, and gauge each other's level of interest. I never "like" instantly, although I can "dislike" instantly (a judgement that can be overcome, by the way). That is because attraction for women involves a lot more than just looks. If someone wasn't willing to show me who they are, why would I feel safe dating them?



Did any of your male kids got a date via this approach?


My son has a girlfriend he met through a method I have often recommended: they are in a club together.

He actually hasn't reached the phase of life yet where he feels he should have a girlfriend, so he has never really gone out looking for dates. Because he comes across as accessible, they seem to happen anyway. He is someone who likes to talk, so he tends to engage with the people around him no matter where he is. That doesn't always go well but he really doesn't care; it goes well often enough.


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The_Face_of_Boo
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09 Oct 2017, 4:19 pm

DW_a_mom wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
DW_a_mom wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
All the men here who are saying that it worked for them at times are men of older generation - I don't think it's coincidence.

I don't think this can work anymore


I think it is more difficult now with everyone glued to their phones, and answers to common questions now at your finger tips on that phone. But I still manage to engage occasionally in random conversations with strangers. Obviously not to date, since I'm married, but it isn't that different. The ice breaker shouldn't be an obvious "I'm trying to date you" kind of thing, anyway.

Some Aspies (like my son) are fine talking to strangers and some aren't. It think whether or not it can work depends on the person.

Neither of my kids internet date.

Some examples of when I've done random conversations:
1. Grocery store lines, if the person above is buying something I have interest in.
2. Waiting together somewhere when we aren't already on our phones.
3. Sitting next to someone on a busy bus, plane or train, if they aren't already reaching for an electronic device.
4. Sharing a table in a crowded coffee shop, if they aren't engaged with an electronic device.
5. Going over to the other stand alone person at some awkward school (for my kids) event.

I don't think you should ever approach someone to cold ask them out. You have to engage and allow each of you to get a sense of each other, and gauge each other's level of interest. I never "like" instantly, although I can "dislike" instantly (a judgement that can be overcome, by the way). That is because attraction for women involves a lot more than just looks. If someone wasn't willing to show me who they are, why would I feel safe dating them?



Did any of your male kids got a date via this approach?


My son has a girlfriend he met through a method I have often recommended: they are in a club together.

He actually hasn't reached the phase of life yet where he feels he should have a girlfriend, so he has never really gone out looking for dates. Because he comes across as accessible, they seem to happen anyway. He is someone who likes to talk, so he tends to engage with the people around him no matter where he is. That doesn't always go well but he really doesn't care; it goes well often enough.



Then your examples are all based on fantasy or maybe worked in the old days, not modern real life experiences.



DW_a_mom
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09 Oct 2017, 4:26 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
DW_a_mom wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
DW_a_mom wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
All the men here who are saying that it worked for them at times are men of older generation - I don't think it's coincidence.

I don't think this can work anymore


I think it is more difficult now with everyone glued to their phones, and answers to common questions now at your finger tips on that phone. But I still manage to engage occasionally in random conversations with strangers. Obviously not to date, since I'm married, but it isn't that different. The ice breaker shouldn't be an obvious "I'm trying to date you" kind of thing, anyway.

Some Aspies (like my son) are fine talking to strangers and some aren't. It think whether or not it can work depends on the person.

Neither of my kids internet date.

Some examples of when I've done random conversations:
1. Grocery store lines, if the person above is buying something I have interest in.
2. Waiting together somewhere when we aren't already on our phones.
3. Sitting next to someone on a busy bus, plane or train, if they aren't already reaching for an electronic device.
4. Sharing a table in a crowded coffee shop, if they aren't engaged with an electronic device.
5. Going over to the other stand alone person at some awkward school (for my kids) event.

I don't think you should ever approach someone to cold ask them out. You have to engage and allow each of you to get a sense of each other, and gauge each other's level of interest. I never "like" instantly, although I can "dislike" instantly (a judgement that can be overcome, by the way). That is because attraction for women involves a lot more than just looks. If someone wasn't willing to show me who they are, why would I feel safe dating them?



Did any of your male kids got a date via this approach?


My son has a girlfriend he met through a method I have often recommended: they are in a club together.

He actually hasn't reached the phase of life yet where he feels he should have a girlfriend, so he has never really gone out looking for dates. Because he comes across as accessible, they seem to happen anyway. He is someone who likes to talk, so he tends to engage with the people around him no matter where he is. That doesn't always go well but he really doesn't care; it goes well often enough.



Then your examples are all based on fantasy or maybe worked in the old days, not modern real life experiences.


You are free to fell that way. I can't prove you wrong. But the married people on these threads tend to all make the same suggestions, so give some thought to that. Despite all the ways things change, there are many more in which they actually stay the same.

And, really, I think my examples are quite consistent with the reality of how my son met his girlfriend. He didn't go up cold to some strange girl on the street. He knows better than that.


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The_Face_of_Boo
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09 Oct 2017, 5:29 pm

DW_a_mom wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
DW_a_mom wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
DW_a_mom wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
All the men here who are saying that it worked for them at times are men of older generation - I don't think it's coincidence.

I don't think this can work anymore


I think it is more difficult now with everyone glued to their phones, and answers to common questions now at your finger tips on that phone. But I still manage to engage occasionally in random conversations with strangers. Obviously not to date, since I'm married, but it isn't that different. The ice breaker shouldn't be an obvious "I'm trying to date you" kind of thing, anyway.

Some Aspies (like my son) are fine talking to strangers and some aren't. It think whether or not it can work depends on the person.

Neither of my kids internet date.

Some examples of when I've done random conversations:
1. Grocery store lines, if the person above is buying something I have interest in.
2. Waiting together somewhere when we aren't already on our phones.
3. Sitting next to someone on a busy bus, plane or train, if they aren't already reaching for an electronic device.
4. Sharing a table in a crowded coffee shop, if they aren't engaged with an electronic device.
5. Going over to the other stand alone person at some awkward school (for my kids) event.

I don't think you should ever approach someone to cold ask them out. You have to engage and allow each of you to get a sense of each other, and gauge each other's level of interest. I never "like" instantly, although I can "dislike" instantly (a judgement that can be overcome, by the way). That is because attraction for women involves a lot more than just looks. If someone wasn't willing to show me who they are, why would I feel safe dating them?



Did any of your male kids got a date via this approach?


My son has a girlfriend he met through a method I have often recommended: they are in a club together.

He actually hasn't reached the phase of life yet where he feels he should have a girlfriend, so he has never really gone out looking for dates. Because he comes across as accessible, they seem to happen anyway. He is someone who likes to talk, so he tends to engage with the people around him no matter where he is. That doesn't always go well but he really doesn't care; it goes well often enough.



Then your examples are all based on fantasy or maybe worked in the old days, not modern real life experiences.


You are free to fell that way. I can't prove you wrong. But the married people on these threads tend to all make the same suggestions, so give some thought to that. Despite all the ways things change, there are many more in which they actually stay the same.

And, really, I think my examples are quite consistent with the reality of how my son met his girlfriend. He didn't go up cold to some strange girl on the street. He knows better than that.



I was referring to your Cold approaches examples, they are not realistic ways that lead to something; none of the married people here met this way, as far as I know.



sly279
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09 Oct 2017, 5:43 pm

Your sons in high school right?
Besides high school and college there’s no clubs besides going clubbing at bars which aspies don’t do



DW_a_mom
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09 Oct 2017, 8:44 pm

sly279 wrote:
Your sons in high school right?
Besides high school and college there’s no clubs besides going clubbing at bars which aspies don’t do


College. And I do realize that makes many things easier. In some ways, anyway. Why is it easiest to meet people when you aren't likely to be ready to pick the right one?

But he is also an avid Magic player, although Magic nights tend to run some 95% male.

I met my husband through my sister, who met him through a church club. And my sister met her husband through my other sister, who worked with him. Sadly, I have failed the unmarried sister; to complete the circle I need to introduce her to a husband, and I've got nothing.

Point being, connections feed connections. You don't make them thinking "date;" you make them to enjoy them. But then the networks start buzzing. Maybe when I shift my volunteering away from school activities (where nearly everyone is married) I may actually finally be able to complete the circle of introductions for my sister.


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DW_a_mom
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09 Oct 2017, 8:54 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:


I was referring to your Cold approaches examples, they are not realistic ways that lead to something; none of the married people here met this way, as far as I know.



It certainly is less common. But I do know people that met pretty randomly. A college friend married the guy who fell in love with her first sight while she was sitting in a coffee shop. She is the sweetest person but not beautiful; he says he was taken by how she was holding her head. He did not just walk up and ask her out. He sat and talked; got to know her and let her get to know him.


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Mom to an amazing young adult AS son, plus an also amazing non-AS daughter. Most likely part of the "Broader Autism Phenotype" (some traits).