Anyone have attachment issues with their parents?

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invisiblesilent
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26 Sep 2012, 9:17 am

I have an unusual relationship with my parents. I care about them a great deal, I really do. But there is not a strong attachment. I think my father is an undiagnosed aspie and he cannot empathise. He spent a lot of time chastising me for my problems and blaming them on me. My mother was pretty much a "refrigerator mother" as somebody else ITT described (although there are reasons which I understand and wont discuss here). She isn't capable of showing affection in the normal sense and so I never formed a strong attachment to her as a child. I had a good attachment to my paternal grandparents but they are both long dead.



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26 Sep 2012, 10:15 am

Although I do have love for both of my parents but I'm mostly attached to my mother but I feel angry and despondent that my mother doesn't bother to listen to what problems that I have that troubled me. And my dad, I felt like he was never there for me when I needed him the most. I now feel remorseful and guilty for not being grateful for what they have done best to raise and guide me through the real world.

I feel like I want to detach myself from both sides of my family and society altogether. :cry:


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26 Sep 2012, 10:56 am

MrStewart wrote:
...huh. Now that I think about it, I did always feel confused when told that people are supposed to love their parents. I didn't. I appreciated and liked my mother. I actively disliked my father. It's still sort of that way now. Somewhat closer to my mom now that we have formed a working adult relationship as opposed to parent/child dynamic. As for father, time passes, he makes the same mistakes over and over and over again, never learns, always expects others to pick up his slack, always tries to make you feel bad when he fails. He is weak. I do not like him. He ruined my childhood. His agoraphobia and panic disorder are no excuse for negligent parenting and fiscal stupidity.


This is very accurate description of my situation as well (including the father description).

I am capable of forming very close and loving bonds with people, particularly those who share my interests and/or ethics. However, in order to do so, I need 1) understanding from that person and 2) something to bond with them over (interests/views about life etc). My parents are not those people. I do not understand them or their values and they do not understand me. I feel appreciation toward my mother as she has helped me with many things, but I do not feel any kind of attachment to my family, or like I am part of a family at all. Actually, I've never understood the concept of family bonding. This isn't because I don't like them, I just don't feel a link to them. I have to find my own family, because the people I turned up in the world with aren't it!



musicforanna
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26 Sep 2012, 2:10 pm

I always felt distant with my parents and I live with them. I don't think they truly understand me (I always felt like that kid they never wanted just because I wasn't NT). They get anxious, angry, talk too loud, and half the time they don't know how to treat me, whether they yell at me (causing me sensory issues which distracts me instead of putting me on task), talk to me like I'm NT (when I'm not and I still can't live up to their expectations), or whether they talk me down sesame street like I'm a low functioning 5 year old (which I'm not that either). It gets really annoying. And I don't think they ever perceive me appropriately either. They still sometimes treat me like I have the maturity of an imbecile teen that they can't trust. I hate feeling like this. They always make sure to fill my head with shame and blame too. I need to find a way to get out of here.



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27 Sep 2012, 10:55 am

I feel VERY attached to my dad and to my aunt (even though she technically wasn't my parent, but I wish she could have been), somewhat attached to my biomom, and the attachment I feel to my stepmom is sort of off - and - on. I think with the latter two, some of that was/is normal due to the process of my wanting to become independent and to forge my own identity, and a lot of it is due to trust issues for reasons I'd rather not go into here.


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blakkwaltz
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27 Sep 2012, 11:59 am

Its wierd i want be a part of the family but i never really know if i am there or not. :|
My parents make me feel like i'm too much of a burden.
I want to care about them but when i try it feels like i never measure up.



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27 Sep 2012, 12:14 pm

My father is the one with the Aspie traits and we aren't that close but I wouldn't go so far as to say I have attachment issues. I am however VERY close to my mother, mostly because she smothered me with affection because I was the black sheep of the family and relatives always favored my brother. To an outsider it looks like I'm her favorite son but it's just we both faced similar struggles in life and have learned a lot from each other. If anyone wants to think badly of me because I love my mother and am not afraid to admit it, I have a finger I can raise to them :evil: She's the ONLY person who has always been by my side in life and if anyone can't understand why I feel close to her they are the ones with the issues.



eelektrik
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27 Sep 2012, 2:09 pm

GiantHockeyFan wrote:
My father is the one with the Aspie traits and we aren't that close but I wouldn't go so far as to say I have attachment issues. I am however VERY close to my mother, mostly because she smothered me with affection because I was the black sheep of the family and relatives always favored my brother. To an outsider it looks like I'm her favorite son but it's just we both faced similar struggles in life and have learned a lot from each other. If anyone wants to think badly of me because I love my mother and am not afraid to admit it, I have a finger I can raise to them :evil: She's the ONLY person who has always been by my side in life and if anyone can't understand why I feel close to her they are the ones with the issues.


High five, I know you feel. I feel like my Mom has been the only person in my family that really understands me in any way, and is very supportive. I don't know where I would be right now without her, either homeless or pissing off my friends by crashing on their couch. I am so glad I don't have one of those parents that was like 'Hey, go find your own place' immediately upon turning 18. My Mom and I actually think very similarly and we have always got along well. I never had that rebellious teenager phase that most people do. Not to say we didn't have arguments, that is pretty much impossible to avoid, but I never did anything really crazy just because my parents wouldn't like it. My sister was the more rebellious one but not by much, by most peoples standards she was pretty mellow too. My Mom raised us by herself, my parents had divorced when I was 5. Here I am now 28, still living with my Mom, trying to finally get somewhere with the college thing and figure out what I want to do with my life, and my Mom not only puts up with me, but supports me in trying to figure things out. I love my Mom.

My Dad on the other hand, I talk to him, and go out to dinner with him when hes in town. But I don't really feel as much attachment there. Its more feels like I keep in contact with him regularly because I feel obligated to just because hes my Dad, and partially out of selfish reasons admittedly(In case I need to borrow money). We have some interests in common that we talk about at least, but overall, hes a weird guy at times and not the most supportive. For example I never dated in high school, and didn't really start trying to date until my mid-twenties. So prior to that my Dad would make all these comments openly insinuating that I was gay. Which honestly even if I was, that would make me feel bad coming from my Dad since he wasn't exactly saying these things in a positive manner. For some reason he thought it was weird that I wasn't flirting with waitresses when would go out to eat, and claimed they were flirting with me. I don't know what he was seeing, any friendliness from them is just them doing their job and hoping for a good tip. I just didn't understand that.



gretchyn
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27 Sep 2012, 2:41 pm

I feel mostly detached from my parents, too, but my situation seems to have reasons. I disagree with my mother on many issues. We are almost exact opposites in our political views, etc., and I find her so bigoted that I can't listen to her. This compounded with my hatred of phone conversations means that I rarely talk to her. When I do, 9 times out of 10 we get into an argument. Sometimes I feel bad because she wants more contact. However, most of the time I just get on with my life and don't worry about it. My father was kind of a jerk growing up, but has mellowed out as he's gotten older. I now get along with him much better than I do with my mother, but still don't talk to him often (again, the phone thing), and he's ok with that. I see them both once a year, at Christmas (I don't even celebrate it, but it's when I get time off from work).

So, I don't have too much parental attachment, but I don't think it's related to Asperger's.



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27 Sep 2012, 4:14 pm

I'm not very attached to any members of my birth family. I talk to my parents maybe once a week and live quite far away. See them a couple of times a year. Growing up I felt like I was in the wrong family because I just didn't fit in at all. We have very different views on many things, which might contribute, but beyond that we don't really connect on even the most basic level.

Some of this may be attributable to Asperger's but I'm not sure how much. I feel much differently about my husband and daughter so it's not as if I can't form attachments with people.


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Drebi
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27 Sep 2012, 5:52 pm

I don't really have a relationship with my parents, at least not a positive/personal one. I mean, I still live in my mother's house (with my step-father, sister, and maternal grandmother) but I definitely feel more like we (my parents and I) are roommates than relatives.

I was never close to my parents though and they only allow me to stay with them right now because I'm of use to them, but should they discover/accept certain aspects of my life, that could very well change, and not for the better.As far as my mother and step-father are concerned, I'm just someone they find useful occasionally but they don't think of me as their child. My mother never wanted me to begin with, I am/was just someone she got stuck with and she further went on to resent me after she and my father split. (I'm not completely sure how my father felt of me, but I believe he loved me, unfortunately, he just loved alcohol and my mother more.) My step-father, well, like my mother, I was just part of the package that could have happily done without.

It used to bother me, and occasionally it still does, but for the most part I've become somewhat numb to the situation. I do not understand why they (especially my mother) feel the way they do about me, when I haven't done anything to them. All I've ever done is love my mother (regardless, not in spite of, her lack of it towards me) and while I wasn't too keen on having a step-father, I was glad he was around (because he seemed to make my mother happy). I basically spent my entire childhood and adolescence attempting to make them (particularly my mother) happy and proud to have me as a member of their family but all I've ever gotten in exchange was neglect, abuse and negativity; so I've come to the conclusion that it will just never happen. That doesn't mean I'll stop trying, just that when I do feel strong enough to attempt to have a relationship with them, I'll expect the worse.

I have a decent relationship with my granny (maternal grandmother) and my sister but I do feel I might be too attached to them. They're really the only reason I've yet to choose homelessness over my current living situation (which definitely has a negative impact on my psychological health) but they're also the primary reason that I don't act reckless and am still alive (which has had a positive impact on my physical health). Whenever I do leave (for even just a day/night) I constantly worry about them (sometimes to the point of not being able to enjoy myself, but that seems to be getting better). I feel like my whole life, I was basically my own parent (and when my sister was born, I became her parent as well), but granny was there to be the "substitute" when I needed a break. I don't think I would have been able to deal with my life long enough to even step out of childhood and into to adolescence if it weren't for her (nor would I have been able to make it this far without them both), which is why I'm as attached to them as I am. Really, I'm not sure I've ever even experience a "healthy" relationship (one that is primarily happy). The few genuine relationships I've ever had (with anyone) seem to have all been, in some way, bittersweet. I'm beginning to think that's my default state.



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20 Feb 2013, 10:53 pm

I am very emotionally detached towards my parents, and my general family. I mostly view my parents as subjects to exploit and parasitise, and I more or less eagerly anticipate their deaths, so I won't have to bother with them any more and I'll get my heir. In a way, I feel bad about it, because they generally love me, and I feel I have a "debt" to them for all the effort they've invested in me, but on the other hand, I don't have an obligation to like them, and I've always viewed friends as more important than family. Sometimes I envy other people for their connection with their family members, though I'm also glad to not be quite as chaffed by blood ties as they are.

I do have a somewhat close relationship to my brother, though. I generally like him, and we have a lot of things in common, though he doesn't like me for my abusive and oppressive treatment of him when we were small.



bubuaspie
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21 Feb 2013, 3:06 pm

For me it is that I do have some ties, though at the same time I really do not. For one I could hug my sister and not really feel all too much while doing so, with my mom she could hug me and I wouldn't feel a damn thing and think why am I doing this. Then to top that off I feel like I am kinda hurting on the inside, though not sad, but to the point that I cried a bit after she did in my room. And that is with me not feeling any kind of love out right, though I do seem to feel better after wards more cheerful I guess. So that is with the love part, as for feeling like I have to push myself aside so that my mom and my 2 sisters can vent when there are some big things going on I do that. To protect them I just some how feel subconsciously that I have to protect them when some one tries to hurt them specifically my younger sister not so much every one else. Now for my estranged brother that is in jail right now I could care less about him. He was abusive after all.