Do you ever feel like you *need* to go insane?

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This is like, instead of being driven insane by society... you just go along with that gust of volatile extremity and just do something that you never did before. Like masturbate in a church.

I mean, why not? Repetition in life, as most people seem to be just so happy to solely experience, is a life totally wasted.

Does anyone think insanity is possibly instinctual?

I've had the urge to physically break myself into pieces, if that relates at all to what you were mentioning.
Perhaps insanity is the mind's mechanism for dealing with a reality that it cannot fully comprehend. Perhaps the mind rationalizes that by breaking one of "the rules" of the reality that it does not comprehend, it can disprove the existence of said reality and proceed to project a new one which it can comprehend.
Insanity may very well be a instinct to preserve the mind from this lack of understanding.

I have had many insane-like moments when I would love to: scream and tear my clothing; throw anything I can get my hands while running around; hit and/or choke any human being that comes near me.

However, I have been able to maintain my cool enough to simply remove myself from the situation and meltdown in private.

Sometimes when I realise that I've been doing something every day for a long time, I suddenly think "I can't just do this for the rest of my life" and do something different, which usually unsettles me but stops my routine getting really frozen and unmovable.

Sometimes when I start feeling really "meltdowny" I wonder if someone's going to come home to find a mute girl sitting in a cupboard and then I go insane so I can't talk to them If that's more what you mean.

I crossdress when in crisis. Which generally intensifies my problems. But, so goes the loop. Got a gender change in California, now I'm stuck in Virginia w/o a tenable identity. Is that "insane" enough?

I always get a crazy urge like I remember in elementary school I would get the urge to jump ontop of the desk and dance while throwing things.......or jump of the upper level of seats in church

Kind of, I mean I feel society has more or less contributed to some of my issues....but yeah sometimes I feel like I'm on the verge of going over the edge and sometimes I want to just quit fighting and just go with the flow of things you know. Like instead of holding back I just want to fall into that abyss of insanity. If that makes any sense.

That makes sense. There IS an abyss of insanity - I've stood right on the edge.

Yes, I feel the need to go insane a lot. I have this darker side of myself, it is almost like having an inner demon inside of me that I wish I could set free and let it take over. I always need to keep my dark urges in control every time I am angered and sometimes I just want to give in to those urges.

No matter what's been going on in my life and how depressed I've been or how much sleep I've lost, etc, I've never once felt a detachment from reality. The one time I did come very close was when my daughter was about 10 days old and I was severely sleep deprived - I dealt with that before it took hold. Maybe I have been detached and didn't know, but no-one ever showed any concern for my sanity or advised me to see a doc. So I'm pretty sure it has remained intact. Sometimes I feel like I don't have it in me to totally lose touch (famous last words ). A breakdown is you body's way of telling you that you should have gotten out of that stressful situation. I'm sure I've come close, but not quite close enough.

Well, since insanity is basically just a legal term that means "not responsible for my own actions" I was there at the depths of a major depreession. Not a fun place, psychosis. Which is the more scientific term.
For me, I just have moments when I have wondered if ANYTHING was really REAL. Hard to explain, maybe like "The Matrix" movies. Or wondering if this was another dream. I used to get these moments often in High School & College.

Sincerely,
Matthew