Ruined friendship: cut off or make up?

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Hi everyone,

I am wondering what you would do or have done in a situation like the following.

I have to best friends who both study in my major, Philip (whom I've been best friends with since 2009) and Michael (since 2011). Michael is quite shy, has low self-esteem, is taking way too long to finish his studies, not incredibly easy to get along with and has never been in a relationship. Philip is quite handsome, successful academically, sure of himself and easy to get along with. Both men are gay, but Philip didn't tell me this until last October. He has big problems with this and doesn't want to shout it off of the rooftops, so it was clear that we (Michael also knew) weren't going to tell anybody.

Philip immediately attracts attention whenever the three of us are at the local gay bar. Michael is very jealous, especially because the guys he likes usually turn to Philip once they see him (even though nothing actually ever happens between those men and Michael). Michael has been annoying to me and Philip because of his jealousies, and usually has a way of being unpleasant whenever he feels insecure (about me talking about AS while he felt being gay was 'worse', or me having a good relationship with my fiancé).

Last Sunday, Philip was approached by a mutual though distant friend. Upon talking to me she felt like approaching Michael on Facebook, who then spewed all about how he was so jealous, and also that Philip is gay. The friend then asked Philip to tell her about his dating life, because she had heard certain things (later she admitted they came from Michael). Philip called me, surprised, insulted and sad.

After being fed up with Michael's behavior for months now, I've realized I don't need a friend who shows his insecurities by being mean to and insulting me and my other friends. So, from now on, I will not contact him anymore.


I'm fine with my decision, but I am very curious to know if other people would do the same, or if I am the only one and a heartless person. What would you do or have you done in a situation like this? And another question: do you or do you not easily let go of people like this?

Thank you for your answers!

I'd let him loose as well. It's the only way people like Michael will learn.

Right?! Michael has this way of making others feel really bad about themselves for not caring about his problems and difficulties, but I'm glad to see I'm not the only one who would call him 'people like that'.

Well, I think you did the right thing, and its' not as though you rushed into dumping him, so you don't need to feel any guilt. You gave Michael plenty of opportunities to act civilized, and he chose other wise on a consistent basis.

No one is ever under any obligation to maintain a relationship with a toxic person--outside of marriage. If there is a marriage containing kids, then try to hold out till the youngest is 18 and then walk, unless the marriage is dangerous. No one should stay in a dangerous relationship. A marriage license is not a license to kill. If anyone is ever in danger from their spouse or partner--terminate the relationship before they can terminate you.

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Last edited by smudge on 08 Jun 2012, 7:37 am, edited 1 time in total.

Hi, this is my first post It sounds like your judgement is sound: not too reactive nor extreme. Until I learned about Asperger's, I would cut people off for the slightest infraction or injustice, so hearing about enduring this for months seems reasonable. The only question I have is whether the friendship is valuable enough to actually be direct with Michael and point out his issues. Obviously YMMV but if it's an important relationship sometimes it's worth the immediate discomfort.

Another thing to consider is whether the community and circle of friends you are in is small. If you expect to run into him in various places, it might make sense to try to work something out. Otherwise you'll have to actively avoid him and it won't feel like a clean cut.

Sounds like he may be straining your patience. If he reveals these behaviors this early on in your friendship, he sounds like nothing but trouble.