Older Men/(Women?)

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I think my experiences being approached by older people would be different enough to not be helpful to you. For one, I'm a guy and thus am pretty much never approached when I'm just out going about my business. I purposefully put myself in situations where the odds were much higher that such things would happen. So don't take the fact that I found it flattering to mean that I think these guys aren't being innappropriate.

Though I am interested in hearing why, exactly, it's so bothersome to you. I understand that you're not alone in feeling the way you do when this kind of thing happens. But, and this is probably my own issues coming out right now, I just have trouble understanding that mindset. To me, someone expressing attraction is a positive. Whether that person is appealing to me or not, I am flattered. Now, I can definitely understand being bothered if the way the person goes about it is overly aggressive. But it sounds like the problem for you is not necessarily the approach, but the person making it.

Re: older people going after younger people. Usually when an older person is pursuing someone younger, it is just for sex. But, from what I've seen, this very often happens not because the older person specifically wants someone young, but because young people are the ones most likely to be open to casual sex. Of course there are people who really do just want someone young, and plenty of them, but I think that what I mentioned happens often enough that one cannot simply assume that every older guy who goes after a youner girl is just a perv.

Maybe it's not helpful, but it's certainly interesting to me so I appreciate that you've shared a bit of your perspective.

I'm totally jealous of being able to go out to the grocery/movies/car wash etc. without being approached by people telling you about their genitals reaction to you, that you should smile (because then your appearance would be more pleasing to them and presumably their genitals), whistling or making animal noises, and the best one of all, hurling horrific verbal abuse if you don't react to their "approach" in the way that they'd like you too. It's amazing how fast you can go from a "sexymama" in the possession of "some fine d**k sucking lips" to a "fat ugly whore b***h who is probably desperate for a rape because no one would touch you otherwise". It's like a magic trick.
It would be lovely to be able to walk outside or take the bus without feeling like I accidentally put on a "please tell me about your boner and what you would do to me with it" sign. (I only break that sign out for fancy dress parties).

I'm only mentioning all that, because that's what forms the environment around people who want to approach me for a date or whatever. I think that accounts for at least a portion of the difference in how we feel about being approached by people we aren't attracted to. Being told I look good when I'm just going about my business, doesn't make me feel flattered, it feels like someone is asking for something from me. Like a compliment isn't about making me feel good, it's about getting me to touch their boner and this is while I'm doing things like shopping, that in no way indicate I am up for boner touching. It's bad manners and it's disrespectful. (also it can be a little scary, there is a reason I'm constantly told to not walk alone, however unreasonable it is, we're made to feel there is a pretty constant treat of rape)
They act like they are entitled to my time, and often my personal space in a way I don't see happening to people who aren't women (this is obviously skewed by my gender, I can't see what I'm not there for)
I'm much more open to approach when it's appropriate like in a club/bar/at a party because in those situations there is a reasonable expectation that I want to socialize.

The appropriateness factor is part of why I react negatively to older men. Over 30's know it is inappropriate to approach me. They know it's likely to make me uncomfortable. And they disregard that in favor of their desire to have their boner touched by a pretty young thing.
I also feel like there is an inherent power imbalance and that they are trying to take advantage of youth/inexperience for an easier lay.



And all that is stuff I attribute to gender perspective, I don't think anything I've said is in anyway a universal truth, it's just how I feel when people come into my space, demand my attention, make comments on my body.

For what I think are aspie reasons, and which I usually don't bring up because it gets used to dismiss other issues
I generally don't like strangers bothering me when I'm going about my day at all, they use up my interpersonal resources when I'd much rather spend them on people I actually want to socialize with.
When I could still get away with it looks wise, I'd go in public as a boy because there was like 75% percent less hassle. It was great. But now I'm stacked, which is great in it's own way but I'm not sure I would have made that trade if I was given the option.

Your pics are probably too hot, hide them or take uglier shots .

I was only stalked by...older women.

You could ask them if Grandma knows where they are

Maybe if women would stop promoting the stereotype that women like older men then older men would stay away from young girls.

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Last edited by smudge on 08 Jun 2012, 11:23 am, edited 1 time in total.

Let me fix that for you. Younger women like the "maturity" of older men, older women like the physique of younger men

I don't totally agree with you. For me at least the age thing isn't about looks. Brad Pitt is super hot, he'd still be much too old to hit on people my age. It's about being inappropriate. It's about the leering and the creepiness and the barely legal porn. It's what's wrong with you that you aren't getting on with women who are your peers?
I also think it's less curiosity than it is entitlement.
but these are just my feelings on it
I appreciate your perspective on it and your dressing advice is interesting.

entitlement? what are you smoking? If it was entitlement because of some patriarchy they wouldnt hit on you, theyd show off to your father in hopes he sells you to them. because thats how a patriarchy works.

Lets be fair, the peak of female beauty occurs in the 17-25 region. Thats what 95% of guys will be attracted to. Except the ones that know they are too old and cant get a woman from that range and gave up on the idea. It also doesnt help when all the advice men get is that women like older men. It invites this behaviour. I made a thread in the haven in which not once did i talk about romantic problems and all replies where "wait 10 yearsand girls will be all over you because girls love older guys". Even though i was talking about my professional future.

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Last edited by smudge on 08 Jun 2012, 11:22 am, edited 1 time in total.

I really do think it's just age. Like MXH says, young women are just inherently attractive. I got this effect when I was young and "dressing down" (being deliberately unsexy) merely attracted the middle aged hippie men rather than the businessmen. The effect wore off when I was in my late 30's. The evolutionary psychology for that is obvious. The things that make young women pretty are markers of fertility (even though the men do not consciously want to get anyone pregnant). By my late 30's, those markers had faded (presumably along with my fertility).

Attempts to shame older men by saying "that's inappropriate" or "you're much too old for me" will just seem comical and cute to them. You just have to wait it out.

There is also the fact that sometimes it really does work for the older men. As MXH says, some women are attracted to older men and will respond to the invitations. Older men simply play the odds. Trying again and agin with many different women is after all the advice given to many men here, "cast a wide net" and all that. If no young woman was ever, ever, ever attracted to an older man they might give up out of the futility. But it isn't futile since some young women will respond. You are being caught up in the wide net being cast.

I know fat girls who only go for six-packed guys.

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Last edited by smudge on 08 Jun 2012, 11:22 am, edited 1 time in total.

@smudge (I can't quote because you chopped up the post)
It's leering...when they are leering. It's creepy because, it's inappropriate. 35 year old men coming unto 19 year olds is generally considered less than ideal behavior. When things/people creep me out, I call them creepy. I thought I made it pretty clear, it's not what they look like that is the problem. It's the imbalance of life experience and feeling predated upon. It's because you can feel when someone is treating you like the limping gazelle and it's not a good feeling. It's like when you're a freshmen and the frat guys invite you to everything because you aren't wised up to their game yet. I get suspicious when men can't seem to handle women who are on equal footing with them, who are their peers so they target younger/more vulnerable women/girls.
I don't have some sort of issue with older people existing in general, if they aren't coming on to me we've got no beef so, no, I'm not assuming all older men are creepy.
As far as entitlement v. curiosity goes -
Everybody sees themselves as the protagonist of their own story yeah? the hero
And what does the hero always get at the end? The girl. The lovely soft pretty young girl. (or in "chick flicks", the wedding)
I think this sets up an idea of a mate as a reward for being good/whatever and that feeds into entitlement culture.

I don't think they feel entitled to me in particular, (except insofar at they feel my time is worth so much less than theirs that it's there for the taking). But that they feel entitled to get/go after the youngest/hottest/whatever women available, regardless of their circumstances, like age.

I think the root of a lot of this unease for me is discomfort with the commoditization of youth in our culture and with women themselves being treated as a commodity.