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hartzofspace
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06 Aug 2012, 2:52 pm

Moondust wrote:
I agree on that. We're clingy and needy because men have purposefully built the world to be a place where women need to cling to them to live.

I sort of agree with this. And If I have ever been clingy or needy, it is no crime. It means that the man in question is not ensuring that we have a solid relationship. The man and the women have to work equally at ensuring that their relationship is a haven from the rest of the world, not a battleground or an ongoing game in which somebody always has to be made to feel at a disadvantage. It is a shame that when a woman feels unappreciated, she gets called clingy or needy. She is expressing unmet needs. If that man can't fill them, she is free to find someone who meets her needs willingly and gladly.


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mv
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06 Aug 2012, 2:53 pm

Moondust wrote:
I agree on that. We're clingy and needy because men have purposefully built the world to be a place where women need to cling to them to live.

European women are a lot less clingy, because - just as one example - you're not seated next to the toilets at the waiters' tiny table if you show up at a restaurant to dine on your own. Anywhere else, even to go to a fine restaurant I need a man, or I'll pay top $$$ for a sh... experience.


What??? Nothing like my experience, ever. I go everywhere alone and I *know* I get top notch treatment. In the U.S.A.



mv
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06 Aug 2012, 2:54 pm

hartzofspace wrote:
Moondust wrote:
I agree on that. We're clingy and needy because men have purposefully built the world to be a place where women need to cling to them to live.

I sort of agree with this. And If I have ever been clingy or needy, it is no crime. It means that the man in question is not ensuring that we have a solid relationship. The man and the women have to work equally at ensuring that their relationship is a haven from the rest of the world, not a battleground or an ongoing game in which somebody always has to be made to feel at a disadvantage. It is a shame that when a woman feels unappreciated, she gets called clingy or needy. She is expressing unmet needs. If that man can't fill them, she is free to find someone who meets her needs willingly and gladly.


Okay, some of this I agree with, but it is all perception (that it is one-sided, though the labeling makes it seem that way). Men get clingy, too, sometimes.



noname_ever
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06 Aug 2012, 7:50 pm

Moondust wrote:
I agree on that. We're clingy and needy because men have purposefully built the world to be a place where women need to cling to them to live.

European women are a lot less clingy, because - just as one example - you're not seated next to the toilets at the waiters' tiny table if you show up at a restaurant to dine on your own. Anywhere else, even to go to a fine restaurant I need a man, or I'll pay top $$$ for a sh... experience.


That's why you sit at the bar. It's also good for avoiding families as well.



Mindsigh
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07 Aug 2012, 9:00 am

aden_collector wrote:
Hi,

...I didn't know how to skate.

I love alternative and folk music. I brought up the group Coldplay but she never heard of them. Nothing wrong with that but I feel you need someone in common.

I feel better off single without the trouble of marriage or relationship. My sister told me that.

I know it's hard but try not to feel bad. You are not the only one.


Nice to meet you. I love alternative and folk music too. And I can't skate either.

I am not single, unfortunately, but I'm afraid soon I might have to be. I think I've finally learned my lesson. No more men. All they do is engulf and devour--at least the ones I've become entangled with.



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10 Aug 2012, 12:58 am

I've been single eight years,I was married twenty years and I'm 48,I've been on one date and that was a disaster.I don't know if I could deal with another person plus you get their family also.It would also be hard for someone to adapt to me,I'm pretty inflexible about a lot of things.It would be nice to share special interests but not 24/7 and I don't remember anything about primate mating rituals.



slave
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13 Aug 2012, 8:47 pm

hartzofspace wrote:
slave wrote:
women seem so needy and clingy to me
I thought that it was just NT women that were like that but now I see that even Aspie women are like that.....how very disappointing.

Do you wanna elaborate on that? What gives you the impression that Aspie and Nt women are clingy and needy?


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This thread and a lifetime of personal experience.



Webalina
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17 Aug 2012, 2:12 am

Yep. I'm 52 and never married, no kids. I've been in a few relationships -- a 4-year, a 15-year and a 2-year. The first one was my first real boyfriend, and the other two were both with married men, one of whom was a friend of a friend and the other a co-worker. In all cases, it wasn't a dating relationship that moved to something more. All three men were friends of mine that progressed to something more. In every case, the men pursued me, not me them. If it had been up to me to start a relationship with a man, I would never have had one.

I'm told that men flirt with me all the time, but I don't pick up on it. I'm told that I put up a wall of some sort between me and men. I guess if a man is willing to break through that wall, he might just be worth having. I tend to fall for men that are inaccessible, or nearly so -- hence the married ones. I wonder whether that is sort of a defense mechanism for me -- if he's married he won't ask me to marry him and won't be around all the time, so I can have my alone time. It's also a case of married men being big flirts, and I just happen to taken them seriously.

These days, I have an online relationship with a man in NY State (I'm in Texas). We are talking seriously about getting together, and I hope it happens. But at the same time, I'm concerned that I'm too set in my ways now to accept another person into my life, especially something as permanent and close as marriage. Don't know if I can handle someone around ALL the time -- being in my space, touching my stuff, keeping me from my alone time. One saving grace is that I suspect he may be ASPie as well, so he may get all that and give me my space so he can have his.



hartzofspace
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17 Aug 2012, 10:57 am

Webalina wrote:
But at the same time, I'm concerned that I'm too set in my ways now to accept another person into my life, especially something as permanent and close as marriage. Don't know if I can handle someone around ALL the time -- being in my space, touching my stuff, keeping me from my alone time. One saving grace is that I suspect he may be ASPie as well, so he may get all that and give me my space so he can have his.

Well, if it reassures you any, I am in my fifties, and am engaged to an Aspie. We both crave our solitude, so we bought a house which is designed so that his "man cave" is at the rear of the house, and my office is near the front. I can't even hear him unless he comes to my office door. I get lots of down time when he is at work, too, and I try to leave him alone a couple of hours on weekends so that he can regroup. Maybe if you and this new guy get together, you can do something like that? I have never been married before, and it took a very special guy to make me want to marry. I think that the fact that we both crave solitude makes it all bearable. If he had been an extrovert who is always in my face, and dragging me to all kinds of social events, it wouldn't have worked. He hates socializing as much as I do. We occasionally go to an Aspie support group together, or have lunch with friends. Once in a while he attends a high school reunion type thing, and I go along but am always glad to get home. I hope you find this person to be compatible with your needs, too!


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ALguy1957
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09 Oct 2012, 1:58 am

Moondust wrote:
Just wondering if I'm the only one...


I just turned 55 and never had a LTR but I would sure like to find a nice compatible woman over 40! Preferably without any kids. I'm in the southeast corner of Alabama, USA. Seems like 90% of the posts in here are from the under 30 crowd. You can see my profile on page 193 of the Eligible Odd Bods list (under Love & Dating). I was about to start a thread but decided to search first. :)



Last edited by ALguy1957 on 10 Oct 2012, 3:05 am, edited 1 time in total.

BlueMax
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09 Oct 2012, 3:01 am

hartzofspace wrote:
It is a shame that when a woman feels unappreciated, she gets called clingy or needy. She is expressing unmet needs. If that man can't fill them, she is free to find someone who meets her needs willingly and gladly.


This sounds an awful lot like, "Screw my wedding vows - if I don't feel satisfied 100% of the time, I'll go get it from some other man whenever I want. It's all about ME, baby!"

Some things mean more than self-fulfillment.

... I really hope that's not the angle you were going for.


Me? I'm getting very, very close to 40 and getting close to "ready" to start over again.



Maerlyn138
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09 Oct 2012, 8:28 am

I got divorced at 35 and spent 4 years alone. Then 2 weeks after my 40th birthday i met a woman on OKCupid who I am engaged to now. She is really something.


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hartzofspace
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09 Oct 2012, 1:58 pm

BlueMax wrote:
hartzofspace wrote:
It is a shame that when a woman feels unappreciated, she gets called clingy or needy. She is expressing unmet needs. If that man can't fill them, she is free to find someone who meets her needs willingly and gladly.


This sounds an awful lot like, "Screw my wedding vows - if I don't feel satisfied 100% of the time, I'll go get it from some other man whenever I want. It's all about ME, baby!"
Some things mean more than self-fulfillment.
... I really hope that's not the angle you were going for.

No, it isn't. That statement sounds kind of harsh. I am certainly not advocating that a married person should take such a cavalier attitude towards their marriage! What I meant to say was that a person shouldn't marry unless they are sure that their needs are going to be met at least 75% of the time. And if they are already married, they should give every effort to work things out. These are things that I learned after being in relationships where maybe one or two of my needs got met on a few memorable occasions. One guy was even violent when I asked him to spend more time with me and not spend every single night at the nearest bar. Also, in a healthy relationship (like the one I have now,) I hardly ever have to ask. My husband enjoys doing things for me, and I reciprocate as much as I can. There is nothing wrong with seeking self fulfillment; it just shouldn't be at the expense of someone else.


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kinako2
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09 Oct 2012, 11:35 pm

Yup. Never was great at socializing...

Had a couple of LTRs, both failed. One was undeniably due to my inability to confront and cope with symptoms of BPD and depression complicated by ASD... and the other was my g/fs inability to cope with it, as hard as I tried to do good on what happened years earlier. After that was a long dry spell as I began to withdraw...

Always kept only a handful of friends I seemed to connect with more meaningfully, and it's most likely many of them are high-functioning Aspies as well, as likes do attract. Don't seem to get along with NTs very well without a lot of compensating behaviors, and that exhausts me.

Have had bisexual relationships in the past, but none LTRs, those have always been women. LTRs with men historically for me haven't worked out. Doesn't really matter since avoidant behaviors keep me from enjoying socializing, male or female... which I'd like to work on, with professional guidance, going forward. :)


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09 Oct 2012, 11:54 pm

hartzofspace wrote:
There is nothing wrong with seeking self fulfillment; it just shouldn't be at the expense of someone else.


THANK you!! A lot of people may say that, but few people seem to DO it. It's childlike but standard human behaviour to put one's self first... only maturity and caring about someone else that will cause someone to fulfill their partner's needs as well (or even first!)
:thumright:



hartzofspace
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10 Oct 2012, 10:19 am

BlueMax wrote:
hartzofspace wrote:
There is nothing wrong with seeking self fulfillment; it just shouldn't be at the expense of someone else.


THANK you!! A lot of people may say that, but few people seem to DO it. It's childlike but standard human behaviour to put one's self first... only maturity and caring about someone else that will cause someone to fulfill their partner's needs as well (or even first!)
:thumright:

I'm glad you agree! Nowadays the norm is to be selfish, and healthy self regard is often confused with this.


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Dreams are renewable. No matter what our age or condition, there are still untapped possibilities within us and new beauty waiting to be born.
-- Dr. Dale Turner