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aden_collector
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12 Jun 2012, 8:03 pm

Hi,

I'm a self diagnosed aspie and high functioning: have a few friends, able to hold down a job. I am 47 and still single. I never had a "real" girlfriend (one involving intimate contact). I was finally able to ask a girl out for lunch a few times last summer. She approached me first and seem interested in me. We both started new jobs at the same compamy and we met at a training class. I still have trouble talkiing with a girl I'm interested in that I don't know. The nice ones are always married.

Unfortunately, it didn't work out due we have nothing in common. She was very athletic and was shocked that I didn't know how to skate.

I love alternative and folk music. I asked her who her favorite bands were and she replied "Fleetwood Mack" and "Jefferson Startship". I then asked her who her favorite artist was that still is recording. I brought up the group Coldplay but she never heard of them. Nothing wrong with that but I feel you need someone in common.

I feel better off single without the trouble of marriage or relationship. My sister told me that.

I know it's hard but try not to feel bad. You are not the only one.



Yuzu
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13 Jun 2012, 11:39 am

I'm 41 and single. Got divorced in 2010. I feel much better now being on my own.
I do want a boyfriend but I don't want to get married or live with someone ever again.

aden_collector wrote:
I love alternative and folk music. I asked her who her favorite bands were and she replied "Fleetwood Mack" and "Jefferson Startship". I then asked her who her favorite artist was that still is recording. I brought up the group Coldplay but she never heard of them. Nothing wrong with that but I feel you need someone in common.

I feel better off single without the trouble of marriage or relationship.


Yes, you need to have something in common. I've decided to be very picky about choosing who I want to be this time. I'd like to find someone with a lot in common. If I can't, I'd rather stay single.



straightfairy
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17 Jul 2012, 10:08 am

Over 40 and long term single here.
Never had a relationship over about 8 months and my diagnosis kind of confirmed why.


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Keeno
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18 Jul 2012, 4:34 am

Not 40 yet, but not far off, and been permanently single pretty much lifelong. Only relationship was in primary school, that's how long ago.



TwoHandsTony
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19 Jul 2012, 4:09 pm

Nearly 50 and been single for the last 6 months.

Was married for 20 years once but it ended in total utter confusion and mess (and I mean big time mess ! !) All that was before I knew I was an Aspie of course.

Recently a 7 year relationship has ended, far less mess possibly coz the Aspie thing was out in the open.

I enjoyed being in the relationships but still craved isolation. I seem to want the best of both worlds, a relationship and isolation.

Does anyone have any thoughts on how to achieve the impossible of having someone special and being alone at the same time ??

Cheers



hartzofspace
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19 Jul 2012, 4:50 pm

TwoHandsTony wrote:
I enjoyed being in the relationships but still craved isolation. I seem to want the best of both worlds, a relationship and isolation.
Does anyone have any thoughts on how to achieve the impossible of having someone special and being alone at the same time ??
Cheers

You have to schedule together time and alone time. Both my fiance and I are aspie, and sometimes I get annoyed when he retires to his den at the other end of the house and spends hours in there. He told me that he works all day and I get to be alone at home all day, so it is only fair that he tries to squeeze in his alone time when he can. Still, I feel neglected if he does this for too long. As long as these things are pre-arranged between the two of you, then there is less chance of resentment. Even though I understand his need for down time, I still get to feeling lonely since I hadn't seen him all day and only get about an hour or two of his company before it is bedtime!


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Moondust
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19 Jul 2012, 8:21 pm

It also depends on whether you mean "alone" as in spending lots of time apart with your own occupations, or alone in the sense of not being there when the other needs you, eg in sickness, on their birthday, when they have something important they want to discuss, etc. The latter would be more like having an acquaintance to spend fun times together. It can be found.

Hartz, my ex husband needed loads of alone time with his own occupations, so we made a pact whereby if I wanted attention, he'd take a break on the spot, and give me attention (from a few minutes to a full hour).


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hartzofspace
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20 Jul 2012, 11:34 am

Moondust wrote:
It also depends on whether you mean "alone" as in spending lots of time apart with your own occupations, or alone in the sense of not being there when the other needs you, eg in sickness, on their birthday, when they have something important they want to discuss, etc. The latter would be more like having an acquaintance to spend fun times together. It can be found.

We struggled with this other version of alone, for awhile. For example, he rose to the occasion brilliantly if I was sick by bringing me soup, etc. But when we went to a social gathering he would actually not think to introduce me around, and identify me as his fiancee. With the embarrassing result of a woman hitting on him while I was standing nearby. I had to have a long talk with him about how to behave when he is in a relationship. NTs were reading his body language as alone and single. This was an example of feeling abandoned when I needed him to be there.

Moondust wrote:
Hartz, my ex husband needed loads of alone time with his own occupations, so we made a pact whereby if I wanted attention, he'd take a break on the spot, and give me attention (from a few minutes to a full hour).

Thanks, I will add that to my data base of solutions! :)


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Moondust
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20 Jul 2012, 12:34 pm

hartzofspace wrote:
he rose to the occasion brilliantly if I was sick by bringing me soup, etc. But when we went to a social gathering he would actually not think to introduce me around, and identify me as his fiancee. With the embarrassing result of a woman hitting on him while I was standing nearby. I had to have a long talk with him about how to behave when he is in a relationship. NTs were reading his body language as alone and single.


Exactly the same for my ex husband, word by word. But the huge difference is that he refused to change or even acknowledge I might have a point. Which is, among other (much, much worse) things, why he is my ex husband.


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hartzofspace
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20 Jul 2012, 1:10 pm

Moondust wrote:
hartzofspace wrote:
he rose to the occasion brilliantly if I was sick by bringing me soup, etc. But when we went to a social gathering he would actually not think to introduce me around, and identify me as his fiancee. With the embarrassing result of a woman hitting on him while I was standing nearby. I had to have a long talk with him about how to behave when he is in a relationship. NTs were reading his body language as alone and single.


Exactly the same for my ex husband, word by word. But the huge difference is that he refused to change or even acknowledge I might have a point. Which is, among other (much, much worse) things, why he is my ex husband.

It is oddly validating to hear that your ex husband did this too. I am sorry that your relationship didn't work out but also applaud you for leaving if it wasn't filling your needs. My fiance was also unwilling to admit that he had been wrong, at first. It didn't happen overnight. It was only when I suggested that we return to dating status, meaning that I would be free to see others, that he realized how serious it was. I told him that if he was not filling at least most of my needs, maybe there was someone out there who could. I am also glad to say that my fiance did change his behavior. He had honestly not realized that what he was doing was hurtful. Also, neither of us has a good track record in long term relationships so I make mistakes too.


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20 Jul 2012, 2:03 pm

I don't think my ex is autistic, though. I think he's just very selfish, which from the outside looks the same as autistic egocentrism, unfortunately for us aspies, because we're blamed of selfishness for these things.


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dunya
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20 Jul 2012, 5:43 pm

Me too.
A few short-term relationships but struggle to deal with the demands of emotional involvement.
I can be happy enjoying a person's company and I can be happy when they are not there. Last partner threatened to withdraw their affection in order to get their own way; but I said they could do what they wanted. "Go if you want to, stay if you want to, but don't expect me to give in to manipulation. Just ask for what you want and take a yes or a no at face value." They said it was proof I didn't care about them. Maybe. I broke it off.

I think I could enjoy a relationship with someone who shares some interests, is honest about what they want and wants/gives plenty of space to be alone. Living apart can be a good thing.



slave
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06 Aug 2012, 1:10 am

hartzofspace wrote:
Moondust wrote:
hartzofspace wrote:
he rose to the occasion brilliantly if I was sick by bringing me soup, etc. But when we went to a social gathering he would actually not think to introduce me around, and identify me as his fiancee. With the embarrassing result of a woman hitting on him while I was standing nearby. I had to have a long talk with him about how to behave when he is in a relationship. NTs were reading his body language as alone and single.


Exactly the same for my ex husband, word by word. But the huge difference is that he refused to change or even acknowledge I might have a point. Which is, among other (much, much worse) things, why he is my ex husband.

It is oddly validating to hear that your ex husband did this too. I am sorry that your relationship didn't work out but also applaud you for leaving if it wasn't filling your needs. My fiance was also unwilling to admit that he had been wrong, at first. It didn't happen overnight. It was only when I suggested that we return to dating status, meaning that I would be free to see others, that he realized how serious it was. I told him that if he was not filling at least most of my needs, maybe there was someone out there who could. I am also glad to say that my fiance did change his behavior. He had honestly not realized that what he was doing was hurtful. Also, neither of us has a good track record in long term relationships so I make mistakes too.


women seem so needy and clingy to me
I thought that it was just NT women that were like that but now I see that even Aspie women are like that.....how very disappointing.


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hartzofspace
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06 Aug 2012, 11:20 am

slave wrote:
women seem so needy and clingy to me
I thought that it was just NT women that were like that but now I see that even Aspie women are like that.....how very disappointing.

Do you wanna elaborate on that? What gives you the impression that Aspie and Nt women are clingy and needy?


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Moondust
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06 Aug 2012, 2:43 pm

I agree on that. We're clingy and needy because men have purposefully built the world to be a place where women need to cling to them to live.

European women are a lot less clingy, because - just as one example - you're not seated next to the toilets at the waiters' tiny table if you show up at a restaurant to dine on your own. Anywhere else, even to go to a fine restaurant I need a man, or I'll pay top $$$ for a sh... experience.


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