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hartzofspace
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10 Oct 2012, 10:19 am

BlueMax wrote:
hartzofspace wrote:
There is nothing wrong with seeking self fulfillment; it just shouldn't be at the expense of someone else.


THANK you!! A lot of people may say that, but few people seem to DO it. It's childlike but standard human behaviour to put one's self first... only maturity and caring about someone else that will cause someone to fulfill their partner's needs as well (or even first!)
:thumright:

I'm glad you agree! Nowadays the norm is to be selfish, and healthy self regard is often confused with this.


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El-ahrairah
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19 Nov 2012, 11:07 am

Yes, 41 and single.



weeOne
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22 Nov 2012, 12:09 pm

Single since 2006 by choice right now.

I can't help but laugh at myself when I think of all the men I've dated with whom I thought I had a relationship but found out I didn't. I'm thankful to some of these men because they told me directly that there was something going on with me they couldn't understand. It was a bit painful at the time, but I realize they were trying to help me. But some of these men were A-1 certified jerks, though, and I'm putting it nicely. My new term for such people is users, abusers, and kooks. (Oh my!)

Now that I understand my Aspergers a bit, I can see why I've always had so much trouble with relationships. I don't understand what to do or why I always do something wrong or why I'm being treated the way I am. It actually helps me to know it's just Aspie cluelessness, which I think is a good trait because we have a way of approaching life without knowing all the answers. We are constantly fresh to the world.

I did get married to a man, since departed, who accepted me the way I am. Sure, he wasn't always clear as to why I was so sensitive or naive, but he loved me and accepted me nonetheless. It was hard being married, though, because he happened to be an alcoholic. He had a generous and loving heart, but alcohol made him unpredictable, cranky, and sometimes downright mean. He wasn't physically abusive, but I couldn't handle the marriage very well. What I do appreciate is that he had my back, no matter what. He was a huge family man and his family considers me family, which I like.

A few years ago I decided to stay away from relationships because they are so confusing. This latest realization was prompted by having dated a man who is the second biggest jerk I ever dated. He surpasses the jerk who only pretended to like me to have a place to live--otherwise he'd have been homeless. The first biggest is a guy who hauled off and punched me in the eye. I called the cops but they did nothing, and I never saw him after that.

Anyway, the second biggest jerk was so messed up he played mean "pranks" on his best friend, who was very naive and may well have been an Aspie, come to think of it. The jerk would compare me to famous people he considered ugly as if he were paying me a compliment. He made fun of me in the middle of romantic moments. He'd also pretend to not know something just so he could get me confused enough to start stuttering. This jerk ended up egging my truck for months on end after I stopped seeing him. It was really unnerving because I considered it an act of aggression. As you can see, his immaturity level was so low we'd have to go into negative years to see where he's at.

Finally, after this experience, I decided I had not one clue about relationships and it was just better to stay out of them.

Today, I'm not closed to a relationship, but I'm not particularly looking for one, either. If something were to happen, I'd have to have a wait and see approach. I don't have a blanket stereotype about men. I take people one at a time, and I work to not let my past experiences infect present ones. So, for example, I don't believe that all men are immature, abusive, alcoholic, users. I think that the particular men I was involved with were those things.

Some people are jerks and some people are amazingly wonderful. I seek to have friendships with the latter at this point. I'd expect to seek the same from a romantic relationship.



hartzofspace
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22 Nov 2012, 1:38 pm

weeOne wrote:
Single since 2006 by choice right now.

I can't help but laugh at myself when I think of all the men I've dated with whom I thought I had a relationship but found out I didn't. I'm thankful to some of these men because they told me directly that there was something going on with me they couldn't understand. It was a bit painful at the time, but I realize they were trying to help me. But some of these men were A-1 certified jerks, though, and I'm putting it nicely. My new term for such people is users, abusers, and kooks. (Oh my!)

Now that I understand my Aspergers a bit, I can see why I've always had so much trouble with relationships. I don't understand what to do or why I always do something wrong or why I'm being treated the way I am. It actually helps me to know it's just Aspie cluelessness, which I think is a good trait because we have a way of approaching life without knowing all the answers. We are constantly fresh to the world.

I did get married to a man, since departed, who accepted me the way I am. Sure, he wasn't always clear as to why I was so sensitive or naive, but he loved me and accepted me nonetheless. It was hard being married, though, because he happened to be an alcoholic. He had a generous and loving heart, but alcohol made him unpredictable, cranky, and sometimes downright mean. He wasn't physically abusive, but I couldn't handle the marriage very well. What I do appreciate is that he had my back, no matter what. He was a huge family man and his family considers me family, which I like.

A few years ago I decided to stay away from relationships because they are so confusing. This latest realization was prompted by having dated a man who is the second biggest jerk I ever dated. He surpasses the jerk who only pretended to like me to have a place to live--otherwise he'd have been homeless. The first biggest is a guy who hauled off and punched me in the eye. I called the cops but they did nothing, and I never saw him after that.

Anyway, the second biggest jerk was so messed up he played mean "pranks" on his best friend, who was very naive and may well have been an Aspie, come to think of it. The jerk would compare me to famous people he considered ugly as if he were paying me a compliment. He made fun of me in the middle of romantic moments. He'd also pretend to not know something just so he could get me confused enough to start stuttering. This jerk ended up egging my truck for months on end after I stopped seeing him. It was really unnerving because I considered it an act of aggression. As you can see, his immaturity level was so low we'd have to go into negative years to see where he's at.

Finally, after this experience, I decided I had not one clue about relationships and it was just better to stay out of them.

Today, I'm not closed to a relationship, but I'm not particularly looking for one, either. If something were to happen, I'd have to have a wait and see approach. I don't have a blanket stereotype about men. I take people one at a time, and I work to not let my past experiences infect present ones. So, for example, I don't believe that all men are immature, abusive, alcoholic, users. I think that the particular men I was involved with were those things.

Some people are jerks and some people are amazingly wonderful. I seek to have friendships with the latter at this point. I'd expect to seek the same from a romantic relationship.

You have a history with men that resembles mine in places. I found some books helpful in understanding what to look for in a good man, and what a healthy relationship was supposed to be and feel like. I would observe healthy loving couples and wonder what it was that I was doing wrong. Now I realize that I was doing nothing wrong, just being me. And if the men I was dating or living with couldn't love or accept that, then tough and they needed to move on. One book which I found particularly helpful was called Living With The Dominator. Excellent book!


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Dreams are renewable. No matter what our age or condition, there are still untapped possibilities within us and new beauty waiting to be born.
-- Dr. Dale Turner


Jabberwokky
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23 Nov 2012, 4:49 am

Over 40 and my wife tells me I'm in a relationship. I suppose she is right.


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EasyFollow
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29 Nov 2012, 12:57 pm

I am over 40, was married for 4 years which was a big mistake. Other than that I never had a relationship. Dates but nothing more. I heard a few times from acquaintances and from a friend they did not understand why I am single. I do not understand how people manage to have a relationship although I really want one.



Moondust
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29 Nov 2012, 7:33 pm

I think it's important to know how to play mind games. I'm a zero at it, so I know I'm not able to be in a relationship.


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hartzofspace
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30 Nov 2012, 3:51 pm

Moondust wrote:
I think it's important to know how to play mind games. I'm a zero at it, so I know I'm not able to be in a relationship.

Or you could be in a relationship with someone who doesn't know how to play mind games either! 8)


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Moondust
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01 Dec 2012, 3:50 pm

With my luck, if I met one like that we'd have some other major incompatibility.


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jagatai
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02 Dec 2012, 9:52 pm

I've been single all my life. I've been on a few dates, but they never progressed beyond a first date. I suppose my tendency to become quite anxious and flustered when I found a woman attractive didn't help. But in the past 5 or so years, I've come to realize that in the surprisingly many instances that a woman seemed attracted to me, I tended to push her away.

It seems I have been single by choice even though I didn't really realize it at the time. Despite my almost constant state of infatuation with one woman or another from the ages between 12 and 40 I seem to have maneuvered myself toward being single at every possible turn.

I no longer get those annoying infatuations. Maybe I'll meet someone with whom I could form a solid relationship, but I have no expectation of it. I'd probably push her away too. At this point I expect to live the rest of my life single. I sometimes get lonely. My mother, now and then, likes to remind me how single people tend to die sooner than those in relationships. But there are a lot of things I like about my life. I don't need a relationship to be complete.


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Tenderfoot
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06 Dec 2012, 12:49 am

Moondust wrote:
Just wondering if I'm the only one...


you are not the only one.



Nambo
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06 Dec 2012, 6:11 am

54 and never in a long term relationship.

Longest was about 3 months, she was my last girlfriend, this was back in 92.

Thing is I was very good looking so girls would approach me, I could never pursue them, I remember one girl saying, "why do you never talk", yet they still sometimes wanted to go out with me.
But Ive been diagnosed with Reactive attachment disorder so I would dump them after a couple of weeks.

Now Iam of the age group were women of my age range have lost their self confidence and so don't approach me any more, and I still haven't got a clue what to say to them.
I do still get hit on my Women in their 20s which is very flattering but also makes me sad because as soon as they find out how old I am, they do not want to know which is understandable.



gdecatur
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13 Dec 2012, 10:39 am

76-year-old AS. Self-diagnosed. :D Divorced 30 years. High functioning. Seem to be doing OK. AS doesn't mean life is useless.



restlesspirit
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15 Dec 2012, 9:12 am

I am 54, self diagnosed but i score very high on all the aspie tests, have zero facial recognition and low emotion recognition.. I was married for a very short time,, I didnt know about aspergers back then but i couldn't handle the closeness in marriage,, at the time i attributed it to my upbringing as an only child but after reading this forum and a lot of self analysis i realized aspergers was at the root. My best relationships have been where i didn't live with the man, we had separate residences,which gave me a break from pretending to be normal. I doubt now i can find that and I'm really not looking. I strongly doubt any man of my age is willing to have the kind of relationship that works for me.
I have given up on relationships as I am tired of having to pretend to be something im not to keep a man.



Mike_the_EE
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15 Dec 2012, 9:25 am

restlesspirit wrote:
My best relationships have been where i didn't live with the man, we had separate residences,which gave me a break from pretending to be normal. I doubt now i can find that and I'm really not looking. I strongly doubt any man of my age is willing to have the kind of relationship that works for me.
I have given up on relationships as I am tired of having to pretend to be something im not to keep a man.


I have reached a similar conclusion as well. I have always been looking for a relationship, with no success, but now realize that my need for "alone time" and the stresses of acting "normal" would probably doom it. I still hold out hope, however. I think that a woman with AS (or a very, very understand NT) with her own home might work. We could be together when we want, but still have a sanctuary when we need it. I seriously doubt that this will occur, but there is always hope.


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