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As a parent would you still know your child loved you if there was a lack of physical contact, ie: hugs?

Yes, not every kid has the capacity for physical demonstrativeness, but that doesn't necessarily indicate a lack of love. One of my sons only likes physical affection if he initiates (rarely), and it has to be on his own terms. I couldn't just go up to him and put my arms around him, to him that would feel uncomfortable or even hostile. This has been hard at times, such as when he has been hurt or upset and it is my instinct to want to comfort him with a hug and I have to fight against that. But he shows and accepts love in different ways. Just last night he said, "Mom, I appreciate you." (I have an injured foot and haven't been able to take care of my usual duties. Apparently he is noticing how much I usually do in the absence of having it done!)

Also, a little off topic, but being physically affectionate with my kids didn't come naturally to me as a parent. I have never been particularly touchy-feely, and dislike unexpected touch, but when my sons were very little their sensory needs were different than now, and they were constantly all over me (hugs, kisses, sitting on my lap, just standing against me or touching me often). So I had to go through the process of learning to be "touchy" for them, and then learning to back right off as their sensory profiles changed and they became defensive instead of seeking.

Either way, none of it is about love. It's about sensory needs and preferences.

Mine were all very cuddly in childhood, but as soon as they hit about age 12 they would rather jump into a swimming pool filled with broken glass than let me hug or touch them.

Except when they are sick, then they want to be right up under me.

The phobia, or whatever it is, seems to disappear when they are about 17. But during those years that it's there, I literally couldn't get a spontaneous hug out of one of them to save my life.

Why do you want to know? That's going to depend on the kid. My son was late learning how to hug and was non-verbal for a long time, and he often squirmed when he was hugged but he would smile and laugh as he did so and I knew he loved me I could see it in his eyes. Now that he's older he sometimes tells me he loves me and hugs me but I never had any doubt. On the other hand I have another family member with an autistic son (I suspect my son and hers have two different types of autism) from what his mother has told me he goes rigid when hugged and though he's quite a bit older than my son and mainstreamed now he doesn't really say "I love you". I think she knows he still loves her, but I'm sure it makes her sad. Now if I had a kid who in addition to all those things did hateful things and gave me dirty looks all day I'd have to wonder.

Because I'm a 22yro aspie and my mum gets upset when I dont want to hug her, sometimes I let her hug me but I don't hug her back. On the occasion I do hug her she sometimes cries, I don't understand? My 12yro brother is also an aspie and always wants hugs! I do love her though, I like laying her pillow aswell because it smells like her and that's nice. I just want to make sure she knows

I really didn't like being hugged by most people when I was younger and it showed. Now if I think I'm about to engage in one of those light and flimsy hugs that make my skin crawl I'll hug the other person the way I want to be hugged, firmly to counteract the creepiness I feel if they're giving me a gentle hug. It's a little thing that can mean a lot to someone and life is too short, I think I'd indulge her once in a while. Crying over a hug sounds like something my Mom would do.

Last edited by Washi on 17 Jun 2012, 12:46 am, edited 1 time in total.

I am not a fan of hugs either - especial the fake auntie/grandma ones. Makes my skin crawl every time I have to do it.

I'm 25 and don't like hugs, which I know still upsets my mother. I don't show affection with hugs because it makes me stim and my skin crawls. Not sharing in hugs doesn't mean I don't feel affection for people. Pay attention to your son, he probably shows you in different ways.

Have you told her this? She would probably be moved to hear it if you haven't told her. I think there are lots of ways to show someone you love them that do not involve physical contact. Take the opportunity to do small nice things for her and she will appreciate it and understand that you love her.

My sister went through this with my dad. Her OCD got pretty bad and she couldn't accept or give hugs. It was really bad because it happened right around when my grandma (my dad's mom) died.

I can only say that it does get better and now she will give and accept hugs.

Just the thought of hugging anyone at all, I can sense my personal bubble expanding and getting ready to explode...

I love my Mum, but my affections are displayed differently. She is a very ardent person, and always looks disappointed when I won't return her insecure gestures. But she knows I still appreciate her being my Mother.

Yes, I was a child who didn't like a lot of physical contact but I'd probably know that they still loved me.

My son has always been a snuggler, so I might take it personally if he stopped; but eventually I would probably figure out that he grew out of it.

If I did not have a snuggler, I think I would know that love can be expressed in other ways. Sensory stuff is sensory stuff---and you should not have to be uncomfortable to show love.