Perhaps I'm just meant to die alone?

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Xenu
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21 Jun 2012, 1:35 pm

First off this is not a suicide thread, I'm not saying I'm going to kill myself, I'm saying maybe it would be better to live out the rest of my life alone. I know a lot of people tend to jump to conclusions before reading the whole post and quickly post "DON'T DO IT" or stuff like that so I'm just making it clear. This is just kind of a venting thread.

Anyways... I didn't know whether to put this in The Haven or L&D but I decided to post it here... I've just been really depressed lately because I feel like there is no real point for me to even try to be in a relationship... I mean I'm not gorgeous or anything but I've had people tell me I'm a pretty attractive guy, and I'm also a more artsy person which attracts girls as well but for some reason I just can't get any more than a basic attraction... I'm literally terrified to the point where I feel like I'm undergoing a mental paralysis when I'm talking to a girl I like and I just fall apart... I also get friend zoned a lot not because these girls don't like me but because I'm so terribly awkward and I don't know what to say so I just can't tell them that I find them attractive or that I want to go out with them so I just talk to them like a friend but really awkwardly... And like when I talk to my friends I'm not that awkward (well just a little bit but that's just me) but when I'm talking to a girl I'm interested in it's just terrible... And like then there is the issue with my bipolar so my mood is always all over the place and I'm constantly going from depression to hyper to chill and I feel that turns a lot of girls off... I also have really terrible esteem and no matter what I try to do I can't get rid of it... I mean when I'm in a relationship I'm fine and don't have all these issues (well with the crippling awkwardness) but why am I so fubar when I'm trying to get in one... I feel like it would just be better to stop trying and just live alone for the rest of my life because I'm not one to do one night stands or things like that...



DonkeyBuster
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21 Jun 2012, 1:52 pm

Maybe giving up & learning to be comfortable being alone is actually a really great idea. Truly, it's not the worst thing in the world.

But saying "for the rest of my life". Honestly, there's just no way to know what our lives are going to end up being like, often not even from day to day, let alone the rest of it. And thinking "alone the rest of my life" plays into a lot of negative BS, in my experience. It wasn't 'til I let go of that & got comfortable w/being who I was today--alone--that my life started to look more do-able.



bucephalus
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21 Jun 2012, 1:53 pm

DON'T DO IT

...give up that is


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Kinme
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21 Jun 2012, 1:56 pm

Maybe you should stop worrying about it for now, considering you're only 18. You've got awhile to worry about relationships. Have you tried focusing on college or something else?



Xenu
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21 Jun 2012, 1:58 pm

Kinme wrote:
Maybe you should stop worrying about it for now, considering you're only 18. You've got awhile to worry about relationships. Have you tried focusing on college or something else?


Well I'm 19 in about a month.... And like I'm going to college but I just really miss being in a relationship... And I hate more just hate how terrible I am in talking to women... I guess this thread was more of a thinly veiled talking to women advice thread lol...



Kinme
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21 Jun 2012, 2:00 pm

Xenu wrote:
Kinme wrote:
Maybe you should stop worrying about it for now, considering you're only 18. You've got awhile to worry about relationships. Have you tried focusing on college or something else?


Well I'm 19 in about a month.... And like I'm going to college but I just really miss being in a relationship... And I hate more just hate how terrible I am in talking to women... I guess this thread was more of a thinly veiled talking to women advice thread lol...


Well, you're talking to a woman now. Terrible? I don't think so.



rabbittss
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21 Jun 2012, 2:01 pm

Once I hit 30, I plan to take up smoking and drinking heavily. I have no interest in living past 35.



DonkeyBuster
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21 Jun 2012, 2:06 pm

rabbittss wrote:
Once I hit 30, I plan to take up smoking and drinking heavily. I have no interest in living past 35.


Yeah, I was stunned as hell to make it past 21, figuring someone else would kill me if I didn't do it myself, & here I am at 55. Still don't have a 5 year plan. :lol:



Xenu
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21 Jun 2012, 2:07 pm

Kinme wrote:
Xenu wrote:
Kinme wrote:
Maybe you should stop worrying about it for now, considering you're only 18. You've got awhile to worry about relationships. Have you tried focusing on college or something else?


Well I'm 19 in about a month.... And like I'm going to college but I just really miss being in a relationship... And I hate more just hate how terrible I am in talking to women... I guess this thread was more of a thinly veiled talking to women advice thread lol...


Well, you're talking to a woman now. Terrible? I don't think so.


Well it's different, I mean I don't know you that well or have a crush on you because of that I have no problem talking with you. (not that I have crushes on every woman I meet because I really rarely do have crushes on anyone, I'm just saying I couldn't have one on you because I don't know you)



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21 Jun 2012, 2:09 pm

In my opinion, having gone through much the same (I am terrified of people I don't know well, and tend to shut down when talking to them, especially if I find them attractive) take a break from pursuing the ladies and work on your overall outlook and perhaps habits (depending what they are; not saying any of them are wrong, some are just in the way of "normal" interpersonal relationships)

You don't have some fundamental flaw that makes you destined to die alone if you don't want to; nobody does. You prolly just have some of the same issues we all have, such as not being able to read people, and being largely unreadable to other people. Dating is certainly slower and more problematic if you aren't 100% average in every way, but that doesn't mean you should give up, especially not at 18 (I didn't even start thinking about dating until I was 19) The best time to start is *after* high school graduation, because you will be around new people all the time, and it won't matter if you botch a few encounters with people.

After getting out of HS, I discovered that, for me at least, being myself and being patient are enough; I don't start conversation, though I do eavesdrop, just because I find it fascinating, since people don't talk to me like that; I never offer my phone # because I don't care for verbal communication; I don't hang out on campus unless I have no choice.

I can't speak for most of the ladies out there, but I'd prefer someone to tell me, honestly, if they wanted to get to know me better on a romantic level.. Then there's no question if signs are being read correctly, and it establishes a base-point of bluntness and honesty. Do you have any trusted female friends who would be willing to mock-date? (not an actual date, just an assessment)

Just improve about you the things you would like to see improved, get some honest feedback from trusted friends "hey, do I do anything that really wireds you out or annoys you? I want to know so that I can make myself a better person. I can handle the honesty." and work on being happy with yourself. Relationships come and go, you are stuck with yourself forever.. Might as well make that relationship a good one ^_^



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21 Jun 2012, 2:09 pm

I think at 18, it's not a bad idea to stay single for a bit. Here are a few reasons why:
-to work on your own life without having to be tied down
-to flirt and have fun, practicing your social skills without girlfriends getting jealous
-to practice dating without having to commit
-to gain confidence and feel comfortable with yourself so you aren't desperate to stay in a relationship

Also, acting like you're not looking for love makes you seem confident in yourself, and may actually attract more potential long-term girlfriends


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Kinme
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21 Jun 2012, 2:09 pm

Xenu wrote:
Kinme wrote:
Xenu wrote:
Kinme wrote:
Maybe you should stop worrying about it for now, considering you're only 18. You've got awhile to worry about relationships. Have you tried focusing on college or something else?


Well I'm 19 in about a month.... And like I'm going to college but I just really miss being in a relationship... And I hate more just hate how terrible I am in talking to women... I guess this thread was more of a thinly veiled talking to women advice thread lol...


Well, you're talking to a woman now. Terrible? I don't think so.


Well it's different, I mean I don't know you that well or have a crush on you because of that I have no problem talking with you. (not that I have crushes on every woman I meet because I really rarely do have crushes on anyone, I'm just saying I couldn't have one on you because I don't know you)


Ah, I see. Even women you know well? Issues, as in how? Shy?



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21 Jun 2012, 2:09 pm

DonkeyBuster wrote:
rabbittss wrote:
Once I hit 30, I plan to take up smoking and drinking heavily. I have no interest in living past 35.


Yeah, I was stunned as hell to make it past 21, figuring someone else would kill me if I didn't do it myself, & here I am at 55. Still don't have a 5 year plan. :lol:


Unless things change in the next 2.5 years, plan A will commence as scheduled.



Xenu
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21 Jun 2012, 2:12 pm

Monkeybuttorama wrote:
In my opinion, having gone through much the same (I am terrified of people I don't know well, and tend to shut down when talking to them, especially if I find them attractive) take a break from pursuing the ladies and work on your overall outlook and perhaps habits (depending what they are; not saying any of them are wrong, some are just in the way of "normal" interpersonal relationships)

You don't have some fundamental flaw that makes you destined to die alone if you don't want to; nobody does. You prolly just have some of the same issues we all have, such as not being able to read people, and being largely unreadable to other people. Dating is certainly slower and more problematic if you aren't 100% average in every way, but that doesn't mean you should give up, especially not at 18 (I didn't even start thinking about dating until I was 19) The best time to start is *after* high school graduation, because you will be around new people all the time, and it won't matter if you botch a few encounters with people.

After getting out of HS, I discovered that, for me at least, being myself and being patient are enough; I don't start conversation, though I do eavesdrop, just because I find it fascinating, since people don't talk to me like that; I never offer my phone # because I don't care for verbal communication; I don't hang out on campus unless I have no choice.

I can't speak for most of the ladies out there, but I'd prefer someone to tell me, honestly, if they wanted to get to know me better on a romantic level.. Then there's no question if signs are being read correctly, and it establishes a base-point of bluntness and honesty. Do you have any trusted female friends who would be willing to mock-date? (not an actual date, just an assessment)

Just improve about you the things you would like to see improved, get some honest feedback from trusted friends "hey, do I do anything that really wireds you out or annoys you? I want to know so that I can make myself a better person. I can handle the honesty." and work on being happy with yourself. Relationships come and go, you are stuck with yourself forever.. Might as well make that relationship a good one ^_^


Yeah... If I don't know somebody well it's just incredibly awkward, even worse if I have a crush on them... But the thing is since my ex broke up with me I've been making really strong efforts to be a bit more normal and taking up more NT habits and behavior... It just doesn't come very naturally and I just come across as even weirder lol...



Xenu
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21 Jun 2012, 2:15 pm

Kinme wrote:
Xenu wrote:
Kinme wrote:
Xenu wrote:
Kinme wrote:
Maybe you should stop worrying about it for now, considering you're only 18. You've got awhile to worry about relationships. Have you tried focusing on college or something else?


Well I'm 19 in about a month.... And like I'm going to college but I just really miss being in a relationship... And I hate more just hate how terrible I am in talking to women... I guess this thread was more of a thinly veiled talking to women advice thread lol...


Well, you're talking to a woman now. Terrible? I don't think so.


Well it's different, I mean I don't know you that well or have a crush on you because of that I have no problem talking with you. (not that I have crushes on every woman I meet because I really rarely do have crushes on anyone, I'm just saying I couldn't have one on you because I don't know you)


Ah, I see. Even women you know well? Issues, as in how? Shy?


Well no, women I know well that are friends I have absolutely no problem talking with. It's only when I have a crush on them or if they are new. And I'm shy, but even when I break the shyness and go to talk to a girl I just don't really know what to say... And like I'll either end up talking too much about my interests or not talking enough at all... And I'm also terrified of complementing a girl like telling her she's cute or pretty or anything because I don't want them to think I'm just trying to get into their pants or anything... I really have no idea how to go about this all lol...



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21 Jun 2012, 2:15 pm

rabbittss wrote:
DonkeyBuster wrote:
rabbittss wrote:
Once I hit 30, I plan to take up smoking and drinking heavily. I have no interest in living past 35.


Yeah, I was stunned as hell to make it past 21, figuring someone else would kill me if I didn't do it myself, & here I am at 55. Still don't have a 5 year plan. :lol:


Unless things change in the next 2.5 years, plan A will commence as scheduled.

You may not have the desire to live past 35, but those thing alone won't kill you in 5 years (may take 30+).