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Mirror21
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Age: 37
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,751

22 Jun 2012, 5:33 pm

I would like some feedback on the word flow.

Surgical Cruelty with no anesthetics
I have survived the flames so many times
Words that turn to frowns and leave me scarred
I wonder if I could find a way to hide them all

Why do you have to believe the worst of me
When I tried to share the best of me
Crawling inside my mind so many times
So many words that never satisfied

Precision is the name of the game
And I am too tired to play
But the chips are on the table
Throw your cards, my hands are empty



auntblabby
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Location: the island of defective toy santas

23 Jun 2012, 5:30 am

Mirror21 wrote:
I would like some feedback on the word flow.

Surgical Cruelty with no anesthetics
I have survived the flames so many times
Words that turn to frowns and leave me scarred
I wonder if I could find a way to hide them all


i'm no poet, but here is my suggestion, per your request, submitted for your approval- changes in bold

surgical cruelty with no anesthetics
i survived the knives so many times
words that turn to frowns and leave me with scars
i wonder, could i find a way to hide them all?

Mirror21 wrote:
Precision is the name of the game
And I am too tired to play
But the chips are on the table
Throw your cards, my hands are empty


Precision is the name of the game
But I am too tired to play
Still the chips are on the table
Throw down your cards, my hand is empty

i just nibbled 'round the edges. hope that is ok with you :)



aspiegod
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24 Jun 2012, 11:54 pm

Aspie poemz take a while to mature., grow it up into art ., then post will ya.,.,