I think I've become slightly celibate
23 Jun 2012, 12:40 pm
The title of this post is a little paradoxical as you can't really be slightly celibate but maybe you'll catch my drift.
Basically, I don't really do dating or one night stands or anything like that. And I haven't done since I was a teenager really which was only a few years ago. But I basically found that I've ended up like this due to a lack of willingness to engage in "NT dating rituals". I also don't do "public displays of affection" or however you'd euphemise the term "getting off in clubs".
So I've found myself at a bit of a dead end.
Like last night two different girls were showing interest in me when we were in a various clubs. One was trying to hold my hand, the other was trying to dance with me. But I don't want to do either cause I just find the whole experience kind of embarrassing and awkward.
so basically because I don't want to do all the usual NT stuff I end up losing out.
Therefore I think I need to find an aspie girl, because maybe she'd understand. But the problem is you can't tell if someones an aspie. It's not like we were signs on our heads declaring our neurodiversity to the world. So my question is, how do I go about meeting other aspies? I've realised very recently I wouldn't mind a girlfriend, but I don't think I'd want an NT one as it'd just kind of be a lose lose situation. The NT probably wouldn't be able to share my cynicism and disdain for most other people ahah
(also for some reason I'm starting to doubt the coherence of my posts on here, so I hope what I'm saying makes sense or is leading somewhere)
23 Jun 2012, 1:02 pm
Basically, I don't really do dating or one night stands or anything like that. And I haven't done since I was a teenager really which was only a few years ago. But I basically found that I've ended up like this due to a lack of willingness to engage in "NT dating rituals". I also don't do "public displays of affection" or however you'd euphemise the term "getting off in clubs".
So I've found myself at a bit of a dead end.
Like last night two different girls were showing interest in me when we were in a various clubs. One was trying to hold my hand, the other was trying to dance with me. But I don't want to do either cause I just find the whole experience kind of embarrassing and awkward.
so basically because I don't want to do all the usual NT stuff I end up losing out.
Therefore I think I need to find an aspie girl, because maybe she'd understand. But the problem is you can't tell if someones an aspie. It's not like we were signs on our heads declaring our neurodiversity to the world. So my question is, how do I go about meeting other aspies? I've realised very recently I wouldn't mind a girlfriend, but I don't think I'd want an NT one as it'd just kind of be a lose lose situation. The NT probably wouldn't be able to share my cynicism and disdain for most other people ahah
(also for some reason I'm starting to doubt the coherence of my posts on here, so I hope what I'm saying makes sense or is leading somewhere)
I think liking/not liking club stuff/dating probably falls more on the introverted/extroverted divide than the autistic/allistic divide.
It can be harder for autistic people to learn the rules and "language" but (and this is purely anecdotal) I keep a pretty wide circle that includes a lot of different kinds of people (autism, bipolar, depression, NT, allistic, etc.) and a lot of us like clubbing/flirting/etc.
I just don't really subscribe to the idea that there are allistic things and autistic things and that those are two distinct categories.
If you're interested in meeting other autistics I suggest going to some kind of support group, community thing in your area. Or spend some time in a comic/tabletop gaming store...(joke)
As far as not having signs on our heads. I think that's true. We're not that visible and thats a good thing to remember (I used to be petrified that 'everybody knew I was a freak'). I've found that I "pass" as allistic, and so do many of my friends however, I notice that someone is on the spectrum very quickly, even if they are passing very well. It's a 'spidey sense' and it's one other autistics have mentioned to me they have.
Maybe if you focus on it, you can do the same thing?
What is it you want out of a relationship? just sex? friendship + sex? romance?
_________________
If your success is defined as being well adjusted to injustice and well adapted to indifference, then we don?t want successful leaders. We want great leaders- who are unbought, unbound, unafraid, and unintimidated to tell the truth.
23 Jun 2012, 7:04 pm
I feel the same way. I don't really understand the whole dating paradigm. I just kind of stumbled into my last relationship and it worked out for 14 years. (we've since broken up) When I go to a club with friends I just dance my face off because I'm not sure what else I'm supposed to do, or what the outcome is supposed to be.
Perhaps I would be better meeting other aspies as well. There are no support groups in my area... Not sure how to go about meeting others my age........then again I'm not sure what I'm supposed to get out of it. 
humans are hard!
23 Jun 2012, 9:17 pm
Basically, I don't really do dating or one night stands or anything like that. And I haven't done since I was a teenager really which was only a few years ago. But I basically found that I've ended up like this due to a lack of willingness to engage in "NT dating rituals". I also don't do "public displays of affection" or however you'd euphemise the term "getting off in clubs".
So I've found myself at a bit of a dead end.
Like last night two different girls were showing interest in me when we were in a various clubs. One was trying to hold my hand, the other was trying to dance with me. But I don't want to do either cause I just find the whole experience kind of embarrassing and awkward.
so basically because I don't want to do all the usual NT stuff I end up losing out.
Therefore I think I need to find an aspie girl, because maybe she'd understand. But the problem is you can't tell if someones an aspie. It's not like we were signs on our heads declaring our neurodiversity to the world. So my question is, how do I go about meeting other aspies? I've realised very recently I wouldn't mind a girlfriend, but I don't think I'd want an NT one as it'd just kind of be a lose lose situation. The NT probably wouldn't be able to share my cynicism and disdain for most other people ahah
(also for some reason I'm starting to doubt the coherence of my posts on here, so I hope what I'm saying makes sense or is leading somewhere)
I think liking/not liking club stuff/dating probably falls more on the introverted/extroverted divide than the autistic/allistic divide.
It can be harder for autistic people to learn the rules and "language" but (and this is purely anecdotal) I keep a pretty wide circle that includes a lot of different kinds of people (autism, bipolar, depression, NT, allistic, etc.) and a lot of us like clubbing/flirting/etc.
I just don't really subscribe to the idea that there are allistic things and autistic things and that those are two distinct categories.
If you're interested in meeting other autistics I suggest going to some kind of support group, community thing in your area. Or spend some time in a comic/tabletop gaming store...(joke)
As far as not having signs on our heads. I think that's true. We're not that visible and thats a good thing to remember (I used to be petrified that 'everybody knew I was a freak'). I've found that I "pass" as allistic, and so do many of my friends however, I notice that someone is on the spectrum very quickly, even if they are passing very well. It's a 'spidey sense' and it's one other autistics have mentioned to me they have.
Maybe if you focus on it, you can do the same thing?
What is it you want out of a relationship? just sex? friendship + sex? romance?
To be honest I'm not even sure what I want. I guess I just kind of want to meet someone who is more like me than most other NTs. Who's comfortable with constant deep conversation about politics, religion, music. Who's comfortable about being with someone who's not that funny or social.
Like I've got a group of mates and they're great and all although we sometimes have our fallings out over different thing. But none of them are really like me. Tbh I've never met anyone like me and maybe I never will. But I just kind of want to click with someone. It's something I haven't done for years. Whether it be as a friend or part of a romance with a hot aspie girl ahah. The latter would be nice aswell like.
I guess I just want to meet someone with my cynicism for everything aha. It's probably not a good trait of mine but I simply can't help it. Maybe I'll meet someone who shares my cynicism - aspie or NT!
23 Jun 2012, 10:38 pm
It's neither a good nor a bad trait. Just is you - probably has much to do with your AS capacity to see through hypocrisy. You will meet that someone; there are plenty out there! Just forget the clubs - like you say, nobody wears a sign - best by far to get involved in an interest group because it is about what interests you ... yeah, why not politics or music? Always the best chance of meeting your mate when you're both looking at a mutual area of interest/obsession, whatever. Good luck.
24 Jun 2012, 2:05 am
I think you need to be more decisive and assertive in what you want, start to make a plan of what you want and find groups where you think you are most likely to meet what you want. Never use words like maybe or never as this leads to self defeatist thinking, you should never say never.
Everyone is different in that aspect and I'm sure there are people that do share your interests, it's just a matter of making it an active process of looking for them and working on your situation.
24 Jun 2012, 2:51 am
And sometimes your best strategy is to stop looking. Get on with what interests you. Once I morphed into a hermit, mostly staying home, just working hard and raising my son ... so my partner-to-be literally walked into my kitchen, because it was meant to be. I couldn't avoid meeting him then! The universe has a way of providing, if you just relax into who you are meant to be and what you are supposed to be doing (not by other people's rules, but by your own internal guidance system).
24 Jun 2012, 9:47 am
+1
24 Jun 2012, 11:35 am
Thanks for the advice everyone.
I kind of agree with you here. But it's not like I'm actively looking. I'm kind of keeping a low profile at the minute and staying obscure. I'd agree with you but if I continued doing what I'm doing I'd never meet anyone!
I'm starting a new course in September and I'm moving out so hopefully I'll get to meet some new people then. I just hope they're not a group of complete socialites.
25 Jun 2012, 5:44 pm
Stop looking? That's way too counterintuitive! Telling someone to stop looking is like trying to put out a fire with lighter fluid!
25 Jun 2012, 6:20 pm
There's no need to emulate the mainstream NT mating thing. There can't be - I've been married 3 times and practically every relationship I've ever had, just happened. Apart from going to one party and approaching one or two women via a dating agency back in the 1990s, Mostly I was just getting on with my life and somehow there they were.
So I think it's OK to be an unreconstructed Aspie in that respect. Don't know about particularly going for an Aspie partner though. Curiously I've been close to very few NT women, and I suspect Aspies do often show some preference for other Aspies. But I think that many of us have a lot of the NT needs for love to be demonstrated in the right way for us, even when we ourselves are going to have a lot of trouble delivering that. In other words, we don't like people who are clumsy with our emotions. It's possible to get carried away with the fascination with scoring Aspie traits instead of items on your list of preferences for a partner. But I'm sure it can work.
One model that is said to work is AS-NT where the NT mentors the Aspie. Where they find each other I don't know. I know of one or two NTs who clearly care about their Aspies and share a lot of their attitudes.
Overall I think the best thing is to just try to be OK with people and look after friendship, and if you get that reasonably right, romance will at least have some kind of a chance of working out.
