How To Properly Communicate IBS with Friends?

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I am sure many of you like me have stomach problems.

OK...well I recently made a friend and being 28...this is rare as I don't have any others. So naturally I am going to be very nervous about exposing specifics on IBS out of fear it will make me appear difficult, weird, high maintenance. I want friends and it is very hard for me.

Same time, this past weekend I was over and am still dealing with a reaction. My stomach is bloated and it feels like it came from hidden dairy. I did drink, had food with HFCS, and some things (Mustard) had garlic...but that type of stuff would not cause me to have a reaction of bloating and BMs three days out.

Hidden dairy usually will not strike me at once, but gradually, will linger with a lot of bloating. Thing is I checked, nothing had dairy. The only food which MAY contain is was my grilled chicken seasoning, but again I didn't feel instantly bad after.
The pancakes were made with no dairy...after that I felt a reaction but it felt more like eating too much bread.

How do I handle this? My friend knows I have IBS, knows I can't eat whole grains, dairy, or fats. He asks and shows genuine concern about it...but I have not communicated in detail.
I have not told him that dairy can be hidden in everything, or that HFCS is really bad for me, as are sauces, and garlic. Nor have I told him about the 25% calorie rule.

Why? I don't know how to without coming off as high maintenance. I am not sure how to explain IBS no-nos for me in this much detail....somebody can be overwhelmed.

How I can handle this so it is not a point where going out=IBS problems but me explaining=me being sought out less? I have AS (aspergers) so making friends is rare and communication is hard.

I was thinking maybe having a brief 5 minute chat to explain details; or sending him an email/list; being more specific when he or his wife cook; bringing my own groceries.

I just do not want to impose or come off as difficult because people might be worn out.

I do think that someting that people with AS do, or at least osmething I do, is they over communicate and give way too much detail. With stuff like this I will talk someones ear opff for an hour and then they will never speak to me again.


Right now, since the freindship is new, keep it brief and don't go into to too much detail. I would just be really honest and short. "Certain foods make me physically ill and I have an allergic reaction to them. I have to really watch it or else I get very sick and laid up for a couple of days." Period.

I would say that the best way to handle it beyond a very brief explanation is to offer to bring (lots) of food/snacks and then only eat what you bring. IF the friend says anything about you not eating the other stuff just say, "no I can't eat that it might have dairy in it. Sorry bud, don't want to spend the next 3 days in the Jon!!" Then laugh heartily. If he doesn't say antyhing about it but you still feel the need to expound, then say, "Sorry I'm not trying your wife's cheese dip it's got dairy in it. It looks really great though, making me think it might be worth the misery!"

Avoid using the word "bloat" if you are male, this is a word most men strongly associate with female problems. Use the word "irritated" or "gassy" instead.

I would not at this point advise sending an e-mail or list. He is not your keeper, he is your friend. It is not up to him to handle your IBS, it is up to you. Eventually as the friendship goes on, he will learn the ins and outs of what you eat and what you don't eat.

Whole post pulled the carpet out from under my mind so hard I nearly lost my balance. o_o

If things continue until you are regularly going to his house and eating, try experimenting with ingredient and seasoning replacement until you can make tasty versions of things he likes that you can eat. Based on your descriptions, this will mostly come off as healthier versions of things. This surprises and impresses people, as many (especially men) are skeptical of health foods.

This is something I need to work on, in person.

Since we're talking about IBS-like symptoms, mine slowly get worse, over time.

But, they improve, very quickly, on the Paleo or Atkins plans.

I'm having considerable difficulty with this, since I have moved in with family, quite unhappily. Not sure how to get help with this, but it's been going on for months.

Great advice. Here is the thing, I eat over at his house, they make me food. Next time they make something, what do I do?
Ask "What are you going to season this with" and "Can I take a look at the ingredients" and should I request "Please do not cook in butter, and can it be done in a separate plate."

Is that rude and inappropriate?
They do ask what ingredient I have to avoid.
Should I tell them no HFCS or garlic/onion and 25% max fat?

How to make sure I do not get sick; but do not scare away. These people are quite good to me.

I struggle with much the same from a third party; my BF's parents. I have some pretty specific needs, and I feel terrible telling them what I will and will not eat (I have borderline hypertension, so I avoid salt whenever practical, I don't like mixed foods, dairy makes me hurt *so much* and I honestly haven't figured out *what* my other triggers are, but I do, for sure, know that I have more because my tummy always hurts, and there are some foods I avoid because they are worse then others, like those funky salad things made with mayo.. they taste gross to me and cause me massive pain later)

I feel terrible telling them "I'm sorry, I try to avoid eating -- because of ---" but we are at their place almost every weekend, so it is difficult to do otherwise.

I'd say if you go over frequently, be honest. HE doesn't have to live with your misery, you do. you can always offer to eat before you come over, if your needs are too specific for him, or bring food with you. Prolly not the best to go into detail about *why* you can't eat it, but just saying "I'm overly sensitive to xyz, and it makes me hurt, is there any way you could try to avoid using it when you cook for me? I don't want to be a burden, so I don't mind, at all, if that doesn't work for you, but I need you to understand that I won't be able to eat what you make, even though I really really want to."

I have found that this phrasing generally works pretty well, it gives all the info without TMI, and gives them an option to say no, knowing what that would mean.

OK. Because they do ask me...but there are so many specifics.

So you think if I bring over my own lemonade, mustard, smart balance light butter, and the next time they do cook for me, if in private I ask "Hey what were you going to put on it...can I take a look, sorry to be a burden just want to be safe" that will do?

If they are already interested to find out what causes distress, I would say absolutely, yes, and frankly, even if they weren't supportive, I would *still* say yes, because again, you have to live with the way your body reacts to it, they don't, and if they couldn't be OK with that, you'd know to change your behavior to suit the circumstances (such as eating before you come over every time)

Your health come's first. Period.

I would just bring my own food over, and try not to make a big deal about it. Minimise, change the subject, shift the focus onto something else.

Engaging others about IBS will only give it attention and power and cause more stress and worsen symptoms.

My bowel function has recently improved to no end. I'm much more paleo now, and eat meat and veg stews in the crock pot and soups without grains.

But mostly my gains in bowel function are because.................drum roll........................I just dont give a shite any more..... it really works.

Stop caring!

sayings have deep meanings..... dont give a shite!! !

Um, wow.

TMI.

Just tell people you have a dairy allergy. No other details needed.

Bring your own food to eat, instead of eating theirs. Or eat something that's clearly not dairy (say, a carrot).

If I just met someone and they told me they had IBS or some other condition so soon, I would be weirded out.

Saying "I'm allergic to dairy" or "I'm allergic to wheat" in once sentence, then shutting up about it, is more than enough info for them.

Um....

Just bring your own already-prepared meal. Bringing over a grocery bag of food and condiments to cook at their house would be weird.

Maybe invite them over and offer to do the cooking to your liking.

If they ask, just keep it to two sentences... they're curious, but not THAT interested in the details. "Well, I'm allergic to dairy, so I have to eat stuff like X, Y, and Z that don't have any dairy in them. Things like regular heavy butter irritate my condition."

Requesting "please don't cook in butter" when someone offers you a meal is rude. Let them cook how they want, and just don't eat what makes you sick. Bring your own food. Better yet, bring a side salad or something you can eat and they can also share. 25% max fat? That's asking a lot of friends you just met. Just bring your own food to share with them.

Don't list more than a few ingredients that bother you to them.

If someone listed all the stuff you have, I wouldn't ever cook for them again. That's just asking too much of a new friend.

Bring your own already prepared food to share, or eat beforehand, or look at the dish and try to avoid anything that may contain ingredients that bother you.

You want to e-mail him your specific needs?!?!? LOL. Um, wow. He's not your personal chef!

Someone sends me a list of their dietary issues so I know how to cook for them and my reply would be less than cordial. It's YOUR dietary needs, not his. If he offers to cook for you, gratuitously accept and either avoid potentially bad foods for you, and offer to bring a side salad you can eat. He's not cooking for you to feed you. He's cooking for you to spend time with you.

If it's not to feed, why bother with it at all? At that point, they'd just say "let's hang out" and not mess around with cooking at all..

Thanks for the advice.

Again though, when I over they end up cooking as I am there for hours.
They ask me what I can't eat....and seem to care about my IBS.

Would it then be ok if next time this happens; I just ask "How are you going to cook the chicken and what seasonings will you use?"

One time I was there and they were cooking meat; I offered to go buy myself food but was offered some plain pasta and canned tuna. Last time I was over pancakes were being made and when I requested egg whites, I was made pancakes on a separate pan with a separate spatula, and he did no compaints.

Given the context, is that rude or ok.

Also, I asked my friend if next time I can bring over a few items for keeps, meaning they can use it.
Was thinking like Smart Balance Light Butter and maybe a couple other items...he said sure.

Is this cool?
I am thinking because they have been quite friendly maybe these are ok...and the meals can be worked out here.

Sounds like it's cool. They sound like low stress people who understand that changing a recipe to hang out with you is way easier than you having separate food or digestive distress to hang out with them. Also, if you're over there for hours and then they cook, I again suggest finding a dish that works well with safe item replacement that they like (choosing something you know is a preference of theirs to work with adds a social bonding element) and cook with them.

So me "double checking" ingredients, bringing over a few items, and basically telling as much as necessary when necessary will be appropriate?

You're probably good as long as you stay conservative about what is necessary. As long as you're careful not to really step beyond what could be considered looking out for your health, you're not likely to impose on reasonable people.