Failed again, I won't even wait til 30 to kill myself

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I worked for three months on a new claymation film for a contest run by Union Pacific. Most of the other entries were so utterly unoriginal or amateurish, I felt certain that my film with it's greater craft and a unique story would at least make it to the semis.

Instead, I got shut out. Oh, there were a few gems that deserved to make it, but the rest were embarrassing. Mediocre, unoriginal. Jesus Christ a Napoleon Dynamite parody made it.

I. Just. Don't. Know.

Most of the time my best isn't good enough. But here, I really thought I had it. I gave it my all, poured my heart and sweat into this thing, and failed utterly. When I give my best, it's not what they want.

What if I just don't have what it takes to make a good film? What if I'm out of touch with what people want, and I'll never make something that connects with my audience?

What if I'm just average, meant to be a nobody, to matter not a wink, or do accomplish anything that justifies why I exist? And meanwhile I know people whose careers are taking off, who've found huge success in film, and others who are going to the Olympics as athletes...I once dreamed of being an Olympian, but again, my best wasn't good enough, and I always got injured.

I try and I try, and always wind back up where I started.

I'm done.

I think I'm going to kill myself soon. Thinks aren't going to change, I'm tired of not mattering. Can't even get a girlfriend and I'm 28. I deserve to die, for being such a failure. I deserve the worst punishment imaginable. Just gotta figure out the details. Pills are probably best....

If you gave it your all you didnt fail. It doesnt matter what they wanted or what an audience liked that day. Why do you derserve to be punished for trying your best? Go by your standards for having a great life you dont need to go by someone elses everyone is different.

I deserve to be punished for thinking I have any talent or anything worth saying or giving back to the world. I'm a worthless piece of junk. My best is so pathetic, I'm like the special needs kid who enters a race, and finishes 5 minutes behind the next to last runner, and gets the f*****g sympathy applause.

Because my whole life has been a waste, while better people have died far too young. Jesus Christ, look at all the magnificent musicians who died at 27 and accomplished so much. I'm 28, and what have I done? s**t and nothing more.

Better, more worthy people are already dead, yet I am allowed to live? Why? This is unjust, and unfair. I don't deserve to live quite honestly, because I've done nothing to deserve the life I have.

Honestly the world of art is really tough. Really, really though.

Look at shows on tv how many people are trying to make it big and how many fail.

Art I feel like is something you should do because you enjoy it.

I do photography, I've submitted 80 pictures to a website, and only 2 have got "Best of." It's a little annoying but I do it because I enjoy photography. Everything else is a fringe benefit.

I tried to get my poems published in my college magazine but they kept rejecting them. It's important to note they didn't reject me, just my poetry. I kept on trying and eventually I did get published. I started writing short stories recently. I've posted them up on self-publishing sites, but since I need validation that I can be a paid writer, I decided to try and get them formally published. Of course, my works were rejected. Then guess what? I've got three (count 'em, three!) short stories that were accepted just this week. In a few months I hope to have a complete collection of stories finished and at that time I'll look for a publisher. I'll get rejected. I expect that. Hopefully I'll keep it in mind that they're rejecting my work, not me. I'll just have to keep on working and refining my craft till I make it. Just keep working...just keep working...

"I deserve to be punished for thinking I have any talent or anything worth saying or giving back to the world."

Thats like saying you derserve to be punished just because you exsist which isnt true. Your being too harsh on yourself. Anyone who can put together a film and has the guts to enter it into a competion has talent and vision. Most people have no clue how to make a claymation film or the talent to tell a story. All of those musicians who died too young were addicts and alcholics who cared more about getting high than anything else.

I just don't know why I'm allowed to live? I mean, I was blessed to grow up in a good home, and had a lot of opportunities, and I've tried to take them all. I believe in the maxim that "To whom much is given, much is asked," and I want to give so much back to the world. But what I've created just isn't worthy, isn't good enough.

And meanwhile, I lost a friend to cancer 18 months ago. She was a saint, a beautiful person who I loved, and she's dead. Why do I live? She could've done so much. She had so much to give. Yet I'm healthy, and she's gone.

It's not right. I don't deserve to live. If I could die so she or someone or ANYONE would live, I'd do it in a heartbeat. Anyone else could do more with my life than I've managed to do.

Not to disrespect your friend but why does she or anyone else deserve to live over you. You have the right to live just like anyone else.

There are great people who have been turned down or didn't have others appreciate them. Just because it didn't make it does not mean it wasn't good.


Look at johnny depp-- pirates of the carribean is one of my favorite movie series of all time--disney exec's originally HATED him for the role, to other people he's a brilliant actor. Lots of people do not make it with their big entries, pick themselves up.. go bigger and dazzle and surprise the next time around.

I mean I could think of a dozen other examples, Michael Jordan almost didn't make it to the NBA etc.

You're 28.. .. you're still young. Passion for life should be borderline arrogant.. i'm not saying be a jackass with it like some people, but you deserve to try to be happy.

You're asking what if.. but what if hasn't even close to come yet and to be honest, even if your film was the best thing since sliced bread--there is always almost room for improvement in any area of life.

If you give up now, you're denying any possible chance for your dreams.

The most famous example I can think of is Lady Gaga. Years ago, she was finally able to get an audition with L.A. Reid from Def Jam Records. She gave them her demo, then she sat and sang and played some songs on a piano. And they said," Sorry. Not for us. Good luck with your career." Today, Def Jam are STILL kicking themselves!

I wish I could see your entry and the ones the considered the "top ten"...

Just keep working at it, I didn't win every competition I entered either, but with persistence I had a few wins too. I remember how bad being passed over felt... it feels a bit easier now. Just keep plugging at it... you won't totally lose unless you quit. (And that goes for ME too!)

My Entry

The Semi-Finalists

Agree with whoever said that there is no such thing as "deserve to live." There's people's opinions who "deserves to live or die," but people are not god, fate, Krishna or who/whatever decides that. If you want to give back to the world volunteer work might be a more direct (and possibly more satisfying) way to do that (while you continue with your art for your own reasons/passion).

I liked your entry better than most of those finalists... only 2-3 of them were any good at all! Gack... some of them were too awful to sit through!

With a little refining of characters and speeding up action a little, you might have sealed the deal! Like I said, hang in there - you've got style.

I think BROCK AND NELLIE BOYTS have this competition though - they had the best video to match the themesong at all the key moments. From entertainment to marketability - they nailed it. Don't give up though... please take constructive criticism better than I did 15+ years ago...

EDIT: I think yours deserved 2nd place... I still like yours better than any of the others, short of the one I mentioned earlier.

As a matter of fact, I know EXACTLY how you feel... I had a fantastic song I entered into Creative Labs' MIDI songwriting competition (around the time the SoundBlaster Live card was introduced.) I was SO disappointed they lost my entry so it didn't get judged at all... the winner was this hideous "Blooodwaaarrrrr" song I just *know* I would've beaten! The prize would've been almost a year's salary for me and might've led to writing music for other stuff...

I was so down on myself that I haven't entered another competition since... (and now there aren't many to enter.)

I just don't want you to fall into the same trap. KEEP GOING!! !

It's good criticism. If only you could see the film as it existed in my head. What came out what f*****g crap.

I'm too cowardly to kill myself...I'm afraid to die, but I sometimes just want to hurt myself, or hack off my flawed hands.

I want to make something of truth and beauty, but it all just comes out ugly.

I think all of us creative types feel the same way most of the time... especially about being better in your head. The only way to improve is to keep working at it though - only that practice (including lots of flops) will improve the process of getting it from head to finished product.

I won't give up if you won't. Seriously, I know an unfair failure hurts, but I'd like to think that bringing talents and creativity to the world makes it a little better place. Quitting your work would be a shame... please keep pluggin'.