Arguments in relationships

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This happened with my husband, early in our relationship! I think he is finally getting to understand that just because he doesn't understand why something is upsetting me, is not a reason to argue that it shouldn't upset me and therefore is not valid. I hope things get better for you, too! Validation and emotional support seem to come hard to most men, for some reason. With Aspie men it is even harder. But patient communication always helps.

Totally can relate with the OP. I've found the best option for me is to get some space until I can calm down. One of the things I love about my husband is that he keeps things very level. I have a hard time being around any type of emotional outburst, and my first instinct is to get as far away from it as possible.

I wish my husband would keep things level. I am trying very hard not to take his outbursts personally, but I still wish he'd try harder to find another way to express it. My first instinct is the same as yours.

Our arguments usually start because of a miscommunication or because I'm terrible at conversation (and so usually don't contribute much). He usually then gets mad and ignores me/goes to bed, leaving me feeling attacked by a stealth bomber. I end up crying and more depressed. Then the next day he acts like nothing happened, and I still feel sh*tty.

I am in an AS/AS relationship with virtually no fighting..alas it means no functional expression of emotions at all. He has a complete aversion to such things..and I am afraid to press the subject. We don't live together..We don't see each other very often..so it has been par for the course of our 2+ years together that I go through all the emotional stuff alone. If I try and talk about my feelings he glazes over it. Were I to get very emotive...he would most likely go mute on me. It has been tough.. I feel badly..to not have any sort of comfortable protocol for communicating emotions..Whatever he feels about anything, he keeps completely bottled up..I have seen him tear up over things like songs...but I have no way of reading him..his opinions about me...anything....it has made me really sad at times...and then I am so used to the non-emotive exchange that I would not know how to functionally go about issuing any thoughts from him on anything....This has led to occasional outbursts on my part...he will go mute and then try to act like nothing happened...but there is no 2-way exchange....in getting used to this...I assume I am giving him what he wants from me..I want him to be happy and I feel protective of him, but I am emotionally involved with him..so it does hurt....the not saying of anything....even if I casually chat about my troubles.....he tends to glaze over that as well...it is ok..i am used to it...Aspies are not devoid of emotions..we just have a difficult time processing them....He suffers from this...I understand...I do too..but I can engage in a 2 way exchange if there is the fodder for it...ah well....I am not a perfect girlfriend..but I try to make myself useful...I have told him I am as much his friend as his girlfriend....It can make me feel sometimes crazy..but he is important to me....and I am not in his life to cause him trouble..at least I try not to be.

I suggest trying communicating using email or txt. he may find that easier. even if you're in the same physical place together!

women need to understand that some men really have very poor perception of their own emotions. I need to make careful observation of my physical signs (not talking, not making eye contact, clenched jaw, playing sad music, etc etc) to work out what emotion (anger, sad, anxiety, etc etc) I'm feeling. I ask my wife for help on this: she spots much quicker than I do what emotional state I'm entering.

I suggest analyse the patterns. What miscommunications typically take place? what causes them? can you take preventive action to stop these mini-situations happening. e.g. ask clarifying questions when he's talking about particular things that have caused miscommunication in the past?

can you ask him to help you with your emotions: he may have much better perception than you of how you are feeling? (see my post above)

how could you create conversation? what one-off examples have worked in the past? could you purposefully force yourself to read the news each day about his favourite sports team, so you could then discuss it with him? could you sign up for some humour sites and find types of jokes he likes? could you regularly ask him about his work buddies/problems and let him talk about them, even though you're really not very interested? e.g. go through the motions, out of love.

it works!

Usually the miscommunications are when he tries to attribute an emotion or intent that doesn't really exist to what I say. Or he is impatient with my clumsy attempts at interacting through conversation (I have to ruminate before answering, and he gets annoyed by my silence). Or, I flub the intonation of my words, and he thinks I spoke rudely.

I have tried to converse with him, though admittedly not too hard. He says that he is tired of being the one who initializes conversation, but if I ask questions to try to stimulate conversation, he usually only offers one-word answers (though I've been known to do this too) and the conversation dies. It's a good idea to learn more about his interests. Though I'm not terribly interested in the 49ers (I have started wearing a team shirt during games to support him, not to mention watching them with him--he likes both actions) or current events (though I know I should be), I am willing to work for our relationship. We both like Reddit, so there's that.

It just feels so unfair that I try so hard (I'm the one going to counseling, taking meds for depression, etc.) only to have him say that he feels he is the only one trying. I realize we both try internally, but it would be nice if that work would manifest externally. For example, it has been about 4 months since I started suspecting Asperger's, but he hasn't read the book I asked him to read on Asperger women in relationships (The book really spoke to me and I wish he would read it to get a glimpse into my brain.) Relationships are so hard...it's no wonder I haven't kept any friendships. I can't believe we've managed for 13 years.

That is how I do most communicating. We are not very often in the same physical space, so I am not gonna waste what little time I get to spend with him in upset mode...that is not why I am there. If I say something (via message) indicating that I am upset about something he will ignore it. If I try to bring anything up in person, he will gloss over it. I am aware that he likely has a poor perception of his emotions...difficulty processing them. I am different from him because I am female and because I am a different person. It is rough since we are both on the spectrum...since I have really hard time reading...difficult time asserting...I do my best to protect his feelings even though things have been pretty rough on me at times....I focus a lot on a person who I mostly communicate with via messaging..who I get to see twice a week at the very most..who is frankly obsessed with World of Warcraft to an extent that the times he spends not playing the game are rather awkward for him...and I don't play...the main indicator that I have that he cares about me is that he gets upset if I try and break up with him. I don't mind the distance...I have gotten used to it.....I am afraid that he won't express anything because he is afraid I might get mad. I have accepted the WoW thing...I have accepted indications he has made that he is hung up on other girls who he can't be with....I am a sort of "place holder"...it makes me sad, but I accept it...I want him to be happy. I don't want to stand in his way or smother him...so no we don't fight.

I am inflating it to sound worse than it is...i don't even trust the validity of my own thoughts on the issue...

it sounds tough

you both will likely mellow a bit as you age

and meanwhile you can maybe experiment with things:
you could cook him things he loves, even if you just drop them round
you could ask him to helo with some jobs (men are wired to help vulnerable ladies)
you could ask him to take you out for dinner on your birthday


p.s. email him a 10 key points summary of the book

I'm new in the forum, trying to find out if my suspicion that my boyfriend has ASD is correct.
It mostly bothers me when we are fighting, because the way we fight and what we are fighting about causes big problems in our relationship (the rest of his (supposed) autistic traits I find rather adorable...).
It's quite shocking how accurate some of the descriptions in this thread apply to the problems we have. Like this one:

We have the exact same problem: He thinks he discovered a mood swing or a sign of annoyment or irritation targeted at him, in what I said or did, when I am just a little tired or worried about something externally. And he won't allow any other explanation than his own. This can escalate quickly and very brutally, because of course I don't want to be misunderstood or my behavior misjudged by boyfriend and he doesn't want to be lied to about my emotional state.

At some point I guess we both thought we're gaslighting each other, even though we were very much in love and commited to each other the rest of the time. I think it almost drove both of us crazy.

It is only very recently that I came up with the explanation for myself that he might have aspergers and now I can make sense of it and start to understand that I am in fact not crazy and neither is he.



This is very soothing to hear. I still haven't talk with my boyfriend about my suspicion, because I am scared he will take it the wrong way and twist it into me not taking responsibility or sth like that. I have asked for advice about how to bring this idea to him in another tread.

Anyway, I guess that once he accepts the possibility of being autistic it could really break the cycle of our fights.
I think what bugs me the most deep down is that he has this very wrong understanding of me and thinks he is "right" when in fact he is just "different". It hurts, because I guess being understood is one of the main things you want from a relationship. And having aspergers, as far as I've learned through my research, actually offers the possibility of a very sincere and genuine approach to a partner.
So I have hope that things will get better once he has found out.

^^^i wish you luck. you are dealing with a theory of mind issue here.

thank you.

That's a good point. Is there some sort of Sally Anne test for adults? Maybe it could be a fun way to raise the issue...
(sorry if I'm being off-topic)

prego the social faux-pas questionaire might be what you need-
http://docs.autismresearchcentre.com/te ... _Adult.pdf

https://www.wired.com/2001/12/aqtest/