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EstherJ
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26 Jul 2012, 11:54 pm

I don't know what to do in response so that I don't mess it up.

He's an incredibly sweet guy, and we have been friends. However, my friends and his friends (we're all in a group) seem to agree that he just doesn't notice anyone romantically.

Well, lately, here's what he's been doing:
- Checking up on me (calling a friend to ask, or asking me, all the time)
- Trying to "take care" of me, or showing concern for me especially when I'm not feeling well
- Always touching me - poking, play punching, pat on the back,nudging me with foot, leaning into me
- Teasing (in a nice way)
- Noticing my appearance and commenting on it - either good, "you look nice," or advice, but always followed with a compliment
- Sticking with me wherever I go...sitting by me, walking with me.

I still can't discern if this is just his personality, or if he's trying to give me signals. He knows I have Asperger's, so I sort of expect him to know that I might miss stuff...

I just don't want to screw it up. I've been matching him with the above actions. If he asked me out, I'd go.



Wolfheart
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27 Jul 2012, 5:45 am

Roll the dice and see how it goes, if he is truly caring, he will be understanding enough to realize your differences and work through them. If he doesn't realize that, it's not your fault, it is his fault for not realizing that he will miss out something good.

I would say go for it, don't try to analyse it too much or worry about getting it wrong.



DialAForAwesome
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27 Jul 2012, 8:22 am

Go for it. It sure sounds like he likes you to me.


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EstherJ
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27 Jul 2012, 12:15 pm

Ok, but what do I do? Let him make the first move? Or not?

This is where I get really confused.



PastFixations
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27 Jul 2012, 12:26 pm

EstherJ wrote:
Ok, but what do I do? Let him make the first move? Or not?

This is where I get really confused.

I'd say to him:
"I would be happy to be in a relationship if you ask me out."
This way your hinting it out to him and then the ball is in his court. It's up to him then.


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31 Jul 2012, 10:25 pm

PastFixations wrote:
I'd say to him:
"I would be happy to be in a relationship if you ask me out."
This way your hinting it out to him and then the ball is in his court. It's up to him then.


Not sure "relationship" would be the word to use. I would think that might scare him off, especially since we aren't sure he's interested in more than friendship. So maybe saying 'I would be happy to go out, if you asked me." I guess that is really a sort of mix between showing interest and asking him yourself, but less risky?



MXH
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31 Jul 2012, 10:42 pm

PastFixations wrote:
EstherJ wrote:
Ok, but what do I do? Let him make the first move? Or not?

This is where I get really confused.

I'd say to him:
"I would be happy to be in a relationship if you ask me out."
This way your hinting it out to him and then the ball is in his court. It's up to him then.


ok, ill be the first one to stand up and say that if you are going to say something like this, just drop the ball and ask him on a date. This whole mind trickery/gender role thing is getting very annoying to not just hear but also to see people promoting it.



outofplace
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01 Aug 2012, 1:39 am

It sounds like he can't pull the trigger so you're gonna have to. I am the same way though, so don't take it as an insult towards him. I'd also be curious to see if he is on the spectrum too as his way of showing love seems to correspond with some of the ways ASD people do. The thing is though, he may not know what it means to have Asperger's and your assuming he does may be a bridge too far. It may take you learning how to show interest in him without being obvious to move this thing along by giving him the nudge he needs to initiate.

One of the ways you could show your interest in him without being blunt would be to reciprocate his physical touch. Hold his hand with a bit of a squeeze, make eye contact and face him while he is speaking to you (yes... uncomfortable, I know!),etc. It may be what he is waiting for before asking you out. After all, if you don't seem interested in him in that way, then he may think it's a waste of his time and emotional capital to try for something more than what is there now.

If I may go off on a tangent here, eye contact is a very interesting thing once you start using it. I only really started trying to learn it in the last few months (starting when I first learned of Asperger's and my likely place on the spectrum) and it has opened up a new way of learning to communicate. Learn how to look someone in the eye, you know that thing your parents always yelled at you for not doing when you were young. Observe where their eyes go in a conversation. This will tell you things about their intentions once you learn how to read it. Sorry I can't give you much more than that, but I am only now learning this myself, and I am 38! However, I have been using it in a similar situation as I am trying to judge if a female co-worker is interested in me. So far, I don't know enough to say yes, but it has been a learning experience nonetheless. As far as it goes, I have been doing much the same sorts of things to her that he is doing to you.


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Last edited by outofplace on 01 Aug 2012, 1:50 am, edited 1 time in total.

edgewaters
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01 Aug 2012, 1:48 am

MXH wrote:
PastFixations wrote:
EstherJ wrote:
Ok, but what do I do? Let him make the first move? Or not?

This is where I get really confused.

I'd say to him:
"I would be happy to be in a relationship if you ask me out."
This way your hinting it out to him and then the ball is in his court. It's up to him then.


ok, ill be the first one to stand up and say that if you are going to say something like this, just drop the ball and ask him on a date. This whole mind trickery/gender role thing is getting very annoying to not just hear but also to see people promoting it.


I don't think it's mind trickery or anything like that in this case. He's (possibly) making overtures but not following through. If he initiated the process, shouldn't it be up to him to see it through? Assuming that's where he's headed, anyway. I wouldn't see this any differently if he was a she. I think if you undertake something, you become responsible for it, pretty simple principle and easy to apply universally.

Esther's got AS which is a considerable barrier (that he knows about, too), and she wasn't the one who initiated the process. Obviously if he can't follow through and she wants to know or move forward, she might have to do something, but I don't think putting the expectation on her is really justifiable in this case, simply for the sake of defying gender roles. Just swapping them around isn't really defying them, it's just switching boxes. To really break them requires a new set of universal principles that operates without regard to gender.



Last edited by edgewaters on 01 Aug 2012, 1:54 am, edited 1 time in total.

MXH
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01 Aug 2012, 1:54 am

edgewaters wrote:
MXH wrote:
PastFixations wrote:
EstherJ wrote:
Ok, but what do I do? Let him make the first move? Or not?

This is where I get really confused.

I'd say to him:
"I would be happy to be in a relationship if you ask me out."
This way your hinting it out to him and then the ball is in his court. It's up to him then.


ok, ill be the first one to stand up and say that if you are going to say something like this, just drop the ball and ask him on a date. This whole mind trickery/gender role thing is getting very annoying to not just hear but also to see people promoting it.


I don't think it's mind trickery or anything like that in this case. He's (possibly) making overtures but not following through. If he initiated the process, shouldn't it be up to him to see it through? Assuming that's where he's headed, anyway. I wouldn't see this any differently if he was a she. I think if you undertake something, you become responsible for it, pretty simple principle and easy to apply universally.


ive heard of simpler things be called trickery around here. At the end of the day its a way to make someone do something, when you could have done it yourself in the first place.



edgewaters
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01 Aug 2012, 2:03 am

MXH wrote:
ive heard of simpler things be called trickery around here. At the end of the day its a way to make someone do something, when you could have done it yourself in the first place.


Who says she can do it herself, any more than he can? No evidence for this assumption.

Nor is there any evidence of "making" anyone do anything. I don't see anything coercive or manipulative being suggested. Saying, "I would be happy to be in a relationship if you ask me out" is really nothing more than an honest statement of fact. I don't know how it is you define honest, straight up communications as "trickery" or coercion.



MXH
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01 Aug 2012, 2:08 am

edgewaters wrote:
MXH wrote:
ive heard of simpler things be called trickery around here. At the end of the day its a way to make someone do something, when you could have done it yourself in the first place.


Who says she can do it herself, any more than he can? No evidence for this assumption.

Nor is there any evidence of "making" anyone do anything. I don't see anything coercive or manipulative being suggested. Saying, "I would be happy to be in a relationship if you ask me out" is really nothing more than an honest statement of fact. I don't know how it is you define honest, straight up communications as "trickery" or coercion.


"I would be happy to be in a relationship if you ask me out" is a cop out to "hey would you like to be in a relationship with me".



edgewaters
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01 Aug 2012, 2:36 am

MXH wrote:
"I would be happy to be in a relationship if you ask me out" is a cop out to "hey would you like to be in a relationship with me".


Then so is everything he's been doing (assuming his intentions lie in that direction).

If you're going to be harshly judgemental with people from your ivory tower, at least be consistent.



MXH
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01 Aug 2012, 2:58 am

edgewaters wrote:
MXH wrote:
"I would be happy to be in a relationship if you ask me out" is a cop out to "hey would you like to be in a relationship with me".


Then so is everything he's been doing (assuming his intentions lie in that direction).

If you're going to be harshly judgemental with people from your ivory tower, at least be consistent.


i am being consistent, because i dont know what the guys intentions are. And because i dont know that i ignore it and focus on what i do know, which is OPs intentions. See how easy it works? Dont assume about everything in the world, just go by what the person has said.



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01 Aug 2012, 5:33 am

this is purely anecdotal evidence so big grain of salt but
in my experience guys can be put off by an "aggressive" move on our part
you can certainly ask them out, but it helps if you let them think it was their idea
It's like we can take the initiative to set up the joke but they like to have the punchline.

that's all just my observations based on the small number 18-26 year olds from 3 continents that I've interacted with

My advice would be to drop hints that you're interested, casually mention movies you want to go see or exhibits or parks you want to go to, maybe even ask him something like "do you like me" or "are you flirting with me"

essentially, make your interest clear and give him oppurtunites, (if he's allistic)
he's knocked on the door with the flirty behavior, you can open it and ask him in, and then he has to decide to walk through the door


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