The very first time I met C. I knew I loved her. I had interviewed with the school and she was playing the role of tour guide. I did not remember what she said, but she was so animated and engaged. She was short with long curly locks of dark hair, dressed boyishly in jeans with a baseball cap. She was gregarious, so ahead of the rest of us at navigating the mysterious social world, but wildly imaginative. When C. confessed she loved me one afternoon after hugging me in a field, I said “I love you too,” but the intonation or body language was not there, so she said “No, I mean I really love you.” I did not know how to respond. I still don’t. I feel emotions, but the prosody and body language are so difficult to express. It pains me, being unable to communicate love. It is the most painful part of being who I am. I am like a ghost reaching out to touch another being and watching my hands pass right through them ineffectually.
27 Jul 2012, 12:30 pm
