unwillingness to change lifestyle for a mate

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^ This, pretty much!!

I can actually identify with this, and I rarely identify with most things that people generally seem to identify with.

I'm still under 30 but in my college years I cared a lot more about not being in a relationship because I guess of some competitiveness just to say that I could.

But as I observed more about relationships I realized that I would never be able to change my routines to the point to make such an arrangement work. And part of the roadblocks are stupid things that most people wouldn't consider as much of an obstacle at all.

But in general I am far too comfortable doing my own thing, and being in a relationship can stunt the career because the SO will want too much of your time.

Most people don't compromise these days. They're not forced to when they're young, so they're not acclimated to it, and I guess they figure if they wait long enough and play the field someone will come along they don't have to compromise for. Good luck with that.

In my experience, any time a woman moves long distance to be near me (this has happened a couple times) no good comes of it. She's suddenly far from her family and friends and only has me to rely on socially. She doesn't have a job and isn't terribly motivated to get one since I can afford all the needs myself. Between these things and my AS (or maybe just those things), she feels alone and bored, and ultimately angry. Starts disliking whichever city we're living in. I don't recommend that arrangement.

I'd be wanting to get a job first, be as set up as I could before I made a big move. Aspies, generally, don't have that many friends so I don't think that's such a huge issue. Like I said I'm a bridge-burner, I have left my friends and family multiple times, though never permanently. I think the important thing is that the two people already know each other well, already feel that this could be an amazing relationship, and therefore one of them is willing to make changes to make it happen. It worked for my close friend and her (soon to be ex) husband, for 10 years anyway until things ended for other reasons (like, they tried to stay together longer than 10 years )

I relate to all that yellowtamari. I see how that could be a problem MyFutureSelfnMe but if she would be wanting to work or the guy would like having more attention; it wouldn't be much of a problem. In my case I live in a rural area & cant drive due to low vision so it's a lot harder for me to have a social life if I would want one & it's alot harder for me to find a job too. I never had a close relationship with my parents or anyone else in my family even thou I do live with my parents; I'm living with them because I don't have other options. Moving across the country to be with my girlfriend seems very practical for us since she's alot closer with her family that I am with mine. her area isn't rural & has public transportation, her state has a much more favorable attitude towards disableds & there's more social services there that might could help me find employment, she's currently living with her mom but her mom plans to move out & Cass would have problems living alone, she doesn't have a social life either & we're both clingy & needy.

Lol... no kidding. After recovering from the irrational depression brought on by the last date I was on, it occurs to me that the woman was almost 50 and definitely past her prime, yet turned me down for having a little tummy... expecting others to cater to their every whim and overlook every flaw, then not give an inch in return.
Good luck finding that perfect man, lady from the date.

In a past relationship I was both unable and unwilling to change. I was expected to not have any male friends, which I refused to agree to, I was expected to behave in ways that were contrary to my abilities at the time (without help), and I was expected to move to another country and leave my family, who I am really close to, and hardly ever see them. I couldn't bear the thought of being so far away from them. This also would have meant leaving my cats behind, and my pets are always my children. These things I did not want or wasn't able to change. I don't think it's unreasonable to have certain parts of one's lifestyle that should never be sacrificed for a relationship.

I'm not in a similar situation now. I am highly willing to change a lot for the sake of my relationship, and Nick doesn't ask that I change in ways that I previously stated are off limits.
I will change things I need support to, such as (but not limited to) moving; we both agree that moving to his state is impractical, but we don't really want to live in the apartment I have now; and seeing doctors; I currently avoid most types of doctors and have no real way of obtaining any at the moment.
I have already changed my lifestyle to be healthier, and for other changes there will be accomodating and compromising because the relationship is worth it.

It depends upon the scale of the change or compromise. Little things, sure, just because I don't like drama or friction and sometimes it makes more sense to go with the flow on little stuff. I also have found that some of the changes/compromises I've needed to make in relationships have challenged me to grow and taught me lessons, which I value. But, when it comes to anything big enough to really threaten my identity or independence, no.

I've supported myself and made my own way since I was a teenager and have lived alone for the last ten years or so, plus over the years I've also been hurt by a lot of people close to me. I think that combination has made me feel very cautious about making changes for anyone else that might leave me in a vulnerable position. I may have passed up opportunities to be happier because of this outlook, but I can live with that consequence because I know I've also dodged some bullets by listening to my instincts and doing what feels right for me.

Case in point, I was dating a guy for that last year or so and earlier this summer he accepted a research fellowship at a lab in another state and pretty much just announced he'd be moving this fall. He was pressuring me to quit my job and move out there with him (someone mentioned in another post the idea of lining up a job before making a big move, but given the economy where I live and my line of work, that wasn't a realistic option for me) and others who knew about the situation thought I should go, too. I started looking into grad schools in that area and seriously considering moving out there, but was also dragging my feet because part of me knew it wasn't right for me to give up my whole foundation.

And, low and behold, out of no where, he dumped me about two weeks ago for sort of crazy reasons and now I'm really thankful I didn't throw my whole life in the air. Anyhow, my point is, you never know how things will work out in relationships or how much you really know the person you're with and some of us are just more comfortable with rolling the dice than others. I think the right or wrong answer to this question is different for everyone. And, as long as you can live with the consequences of your own decisions, that's okay.

To be fair to your date, no physical attraction = no go. Every whim is a little different.

Yeah and these girls had issues beyond me and moving, so I don't know. This was just my experience.

I don't see the issue with >10 years :p

I've no opinion on common it is, but as for being in a similar situation: yes, I suppose I am.

If something or someone phenomenal happens, I would like to think I will see how that goes, that who I think I am is always subject to review. But most of the time I'm a bit too far up my own ass being me.



Yup, one can. "Not a fan of change" + "willing to slam the door on parts of life" -> "prefer to walk away, for good, when the time comes." In may case, I'm not a good problem manager; I prefer problem solving.

True, but she was no perfect ten by a long shot either and she tried to explain it away with other reasonings... the truth came out a little later. I don't exude that power and confidence which is usually what others find so attractive and call that first "spark"...

Like I said, wanted me to overlook a mile but not willing to give an inch.

I don't think my point is negotiable, and you're trying to negotiate it.

ehhhh.... there was more going on than that and I was trying to make a point that agreed with your comment. In the mood to argue or something?

I thought you actually meant a *little* tummy, as in small. Wow. Fail me. I don't see why that really bothered her, lol.