Online dating and online relationships

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What are some of the views on online dating - and by that, I mean having a relationship that is purely conducted over the internet - with no direct physical contact?

I'm asking because I live in South Africa, and most of the people I have met whom I would like to date are overseas. I don't have the money to fly back and forth at will, so I have sometimes considered proposing online relationships, but I don't think many people would be keen

I do believe that relationships should be in person - I've had one myself that lasted a few months back when I was... er... 24 (OMG that's now 6 years ago!) but it was pretty much a case of being desperate to be in a relationship and asking a friend out - we didn't even have anything in common at the end of the day, so it was quite an unpleasant experience. Still, it might be better to have an "online" relationship than no relationship at all.... what do you guys think about it? Have you tried it? What are your experiences?

FYI I had online relationships as a teenager - before I turned 20 - but after I went to University, I just didn't... don't know why....

I am in a similar situation. I am in India so online is the only option. I had online relatinoship for 2 years but it didn't go well. The fact that it was online might be part of the problem, but probably not the biggest part. I think for the most part it is the past sex abuse of the person I was with which caused her to be unstable coupled with her prejudice against Asperger.

Sounds like she did have some issues - but I don't think I would date someone who didn't understand Asperger syndrome - it would be quite difficult. I'm sorry it ended sadly for you! I hope you also manage to make new connections online.

Online dating seems pretty cool, I am very bad at communication in person:L

Lets be a bit more specific here. Not understand Asperger means that they dont understand why I do certain things I do. But in her case its not even ABOUT my doing certian things its about her being scared of a label.



No I cant make connections. I try but everyone ignores me. There is something abouit me that makes everyone ignore me before they even met me.

You should go for it. If both people are fine with it, then go for it. I've never really done it before (I may have posted on the single list here), but other than that, I never have. But still, why not - if it makes you happy, do it

I've had one great online relationship two years ago and made clear from the beginning that i'm not interested in dating although it wouldn't have been a problem, but i simply don't want to. It was a wonderful experience but i never found anyone close to her after it had ended. That is, it can work out great, but only if you find the right person.

I think everyone is a little afraid of labels, but it usually stems from not being willing or able to understand what the label means. Essentially, you two were not right for each other - in my humble opinion.



OK - if you're having that problem online, then maybe you need to work on your online social skills? I haven't done a good google search, but you could even start a discussion here to ask people for help with that. It's hard to feel like the world is rejecting you all the time, but at the same time, reach out and find out what that reason is - if you want to try to understand or perhaps change your approach.



Thanks, that's a great philosophy - if the chemistry is right, and the person is willing to work on it, then I'm usually keen - but I can be quite strict with things like how long it takes to reply to messages, so it helps that we get to know each other first!!



Your story gives me quite a bit of hope - and it definitely depends on the person and the chemistry between the two of you. Thanks for sharing!

To be honest, I'm glad that other people also think about this!! It feels like I live on a bit of an island here - I'm far too weird for most people and talking about this in real life just gets me laughed at... hard. Thanks for responding positively!

No worries. Just talk it all over and come to an agreement with the person

I've been in an online relationship for 2 and a half years. We do want to meet and carry on our relationship in person when we can, but so far we just haven't had money for plane tickets. It works for us because we don't particularly enjoy physical contact anyway, so we're fine having a relationship that has all the emotional elements without the physical stuff that usually goes with it. I imagine it'd be more difficult to have success in an online relationship if the people involved usually thrive on physical contact, but for me and my partner it's something we can live without. The only thing I feel I'm missing out on is being able to visit places together, it'd be nice to be able to share experiences like that. I believe pretty much any form of relationship can work if all the people involved feel they're getting what they want/need from it.

That sounds GREAT! I totally agree, I think people who thrive on physical contact definitely find it difficult. I'm glad to hear it is going well for you - and I do hope that you both get to meet up when the time comes, but at the same time, I just hope that you enjoy the experience and enjoy each other! Thanks for sharing your story.

Main problem for me is not being physically together. It's OK if there will be reasonably frequent real-life meetings, but otherwise it's going to be lonely and no more than a half-relationship. There's also a danger in waiting too long to meet for the first time........it's more of a shock that way when you do meet them.......suddenly there's a host of things you never suspected about them, and if some of those things aren't good, you may get a feeling of entrapment.

It's fun at first, and you can do a lot of romantic things without meeting, but for me at least, you can't beat actually being with the one you love.

You definitely sound like the kind of person who wouldn't be interested in online relationships. I personally don't think of them as "half-relationships" but that's my perspective - I feel that sharing your thoughts, feelings and experiences with someone is the best part of a relationship. Physical interaction is of secondary importance.

As for finding out things you didn't suspect about them - that might be a lack of honesty on either part - or fear, which is normal at the start of a relationship anyway - most people seem to overcome that by focusing on their physical attraction to the person or... um... you know, I don't actually have a clue, but they overcome it somehow.

Well, I used to be interested, and still would be, with the right person, if there was real hope of our living together in the reasonably near future, but NOT as a permanent way of life unless we'd tried our damnedest and couldn't make it work any other way. I've just had rather a lot of it so I understand the chronic effects. It's true modern communication technology can go a long way towards making a distant relationship feel more like the real McCoy, and quite inexpensively too. But I've lived with partners and although it's a bigger challenge by far than a distant relationship, I miss that real live person. Whatever the difficulty, I want to live with people, and I find estrangement a painful and lonely way of life.


A scam is always possible if you've not met the other person, but I've not seen much deliberate deception myself. It was more the limitations of communicating through nothing but words and the occasional photo. People can seem very different when you meet them.

Though there's one huge advantage......the written dialogue is preserved. If there are any communication issues between you, it's possible to study the text at leisure and understand it better. You can even take it to a counsellor or trusted friend, and ask "what do you think this means?" Any nebulous, veiled put-downs, passive aggression, guilt-tripping or threats, all recorded, all accountable. And my reactions to what they say can also be tested. In my experience, people can behave worse to me when nobody else is likely to witness what they're doing.

I don't know how that focussing on their physical attraction is supposed to help. I wouldn't normally fantasise about things I was unlikely to realise. If I fantasised about having lots of money, the come-down would be depressing. Though distant messaging can create some wonderful illusions. I was texting with somebody right through the night once, and although we never exchanged a sexual word, we both agreed later that it had felt like we'd made love.

"This radio lark's a wonderful hobby, y'know. I've got friends all over the world, all over the world... none in this country, but friends all over the world."
- Tony Hancock, The Radio Ham, 1956.