At the age of fifteen I was diagnosed with Aspergers. At the time this was just another unfortunate event in a long series of unfortunate events, which pretty much made up my life. I never truly believed the diagnosis because life had always felt wrong, as though I was the only person that actually spent time questioning things. Too often, life was a buffet, and people just took whatever they were given like mindless drones. That wasn't the case for me though, as I questioned everything and wound up learning that people don't like being asked questions. Often they don't have any answers (or at least not the right answer), and it results in them getting pissed off.
Despite this, I was highly skeptical that I had Aspergers Syndrome. I was given a special teacher for a few hours once a week, who dealt with a whole lot of people with the syndrome, a result of her having children with it. I never truly appreciated that she saw me for me, and all my hidden talents. I never saw that she was testing me, to see where my strengths and weaknesses were, because I just saw her as another teacher and another part of the system. It was through her that I learned that I had an extremely sensitive sense of taste and smell, and that when put to good use I was a f*****g amazing cook. After leaving school, I ended up using my talents as a chef, which resulted in me spiraling into what would become eight years of chronic, suicidal depression.
It's only been this year since I'd broken the spell of depression that had consumed me for so many years. I got married, got a part time volunteer job, and found a really amazing guy with Aspergers that I ended up entering the most spectacular sexual relationship with in my life. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a slut because I'm not even a sexual person, but this guy awoke something in me that I never even knew existed, at least not for me. I'm married, but I had never ever been able to orgasm with anyone before. Previously I had only ever been able to do it alone, but this time something clicked. And it's not wrong, because they both know and accept the fact that I can't really be caged. It was the conditions of my marriage, actually.
Anyway, I was slightly going off tangent, but I'm the happiest now that I've ever been. I had never regretted the times I attempted suicide, until now, and believe me when I say that there were a whole ton of times. I'm not lonely anymore. I know my place now (in the kitchen, lol) and finally feel safe and at home. I have Aspergers. It took me the longest time to accept that; To not accept that I'm different in a negative way, but different in a truly positive way. I guess I signed up here because I'm after more friends, more people I can truly socially connect with. I had spent so much of my life hiding behind a monitor that I'd forgotten how beautiful the world out there really was.
So I'm looking forward to getting to know some of you. I'm new to this whole caring and feeling thing, but it would be great to connect with some of you. Also, Mister Mysterious, if you're reading this then hi. You're amazing. =)
07 Aug 2012, 4:06 pm
