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CWA
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08 Aug 2012, 10:59 am

As a parent who just found out her daughter has AS and who herslef probably also has it I can say I have a long list of parenting moments that I'm not proud of. A very long list. Her verbal skills were so good that I just didn't know. So Yeah I held her down to comb her hair, forced her to wash her hair, held her down for diaper changes and smacked her little bottom when she flung poo at me (true story) or ate poo (also true). Now that I know I feel terrible but honestly from my point of view... it's SO hard to tell the difference. It wasn't until I was SURE that consistant discipline (in the form of time outs and removal of priviledges) coupled with positive reinforcement (A reward chart) had close to no effect (or even a negative effect) on her behavior that I got suspicious. I mean if all a kid is is a little spoiled, then holding them down to brush their hair is totally appropriate.

I can see where maybe a younger or lss educated parent might have issues with this even after finding out a child has AS. My husband is very smart guy and he's having a VERY hard time seeing our daughters behavior as anything but "naughty".



Mummy_of_Peanut
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08 Aug 2012, 2:45 pm

CWA wrote:
As a parent who just found out her daughter has AS and who herslef probably also has it I can say I have a long list of parenting moments that I'm not proud of. A very long list. Her verbal skills were so good that I just didn't know. So Yeah I held her down to comb her hair, forced her to wash her hair, held her down for diaper changes and smacked her little bottom when she flung poo at me (true story) or ate poo (also true). Now that I know I feel terrible but honestly from my point of view... it's SO hard to tell the difference. It wasn't until I was SURE that consistant discipline (in the form of time outs and removal of priviledges) coupled with positive reinforcement (A reward chart) had close to no effect (or even a negative effect) on her behavior that I got suspicious. I mean if all a kid is is a little spoiled, then holding them down to brush their hair is totally appropriate.

I can see where maybe a younger or lss educated parent might have issues with this even after finding out a child has AS. My husband is very smart guy and he's having a VERY hard time seeing our daughters behavior as anything but "naughty".


I could have written this, almost word for word (except we're finding out 2 weeks today what our daughter's getting diagnosed with and there have been no poo moments).

My husband is also struggling more than me. He has traits associated with ASDs, but none of the core traits. I have more obvious traits than him and I totally get my daughter's sensory issues. So empathising is much easier for me, especially now that I know that's the cause of many of the episodes.

But, when my daughter was younger and there was no indication that she might be on the spectrum, I had real difficulty comprehending what was going on, especially when I hadn't even pieced together my own puzzle. Why did none of the parenting techniques, that I'd read about, work? Why did the reward chart only work for 3 days? Was she spirited, strong-willed or just naughty? Nobody suggested that she might need to be assessed for anything (although I know now that many suspected it) and I was left wondering what I was doing wrong. I appeared to be doing the same as all the other mums (and some), but my daughter didn't react accordingly. Even my mother-in-law suggested she was a spoiled brat.

I feel deeply sorry for this child's parents. I hope they get the help they need.


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hellokittyluvr
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08 Aug 2012, 7:50 pm

Dirtdigger wrote:
hellokittyluvr wrote:
i would probably keep a close eye on her and the family..cus you dont want to assume she is autistic it could just be her way of acting out too..My nephew is 5 and he can be very unruly sometimes and throwin temper tantrums if he doesn't wanna do something that hes supposed to do he will throw the biggest fit and hes so strong his parents try and hold him down to get him to stop his tantrum but he is all over the place. Even if its somethin like not wanting to get dressed for the day. And he is not autistic. I agree parents should'nt hit their kids unless its a spanking or somethin but you cant just do that to an autistic child becus they wont understand.


I think the daughter was diagnosed after I brought this to their attention. At least this is one thing they did right. But, since they have issues too, especially the father, I think they need counseling. These people almost seem to be ashamed of their daughter. Their daughter is fixated on objects, wants to be by herself away from people, is not talking right now, have repetitive movements constantly lining objects up. So does this child sound like a spoiled little brat or a child with Autism?

Have your nephew been diagnosed for Autism or Bipolar? Bipolar children has the same issues of your nephew so don't just assume he is a spoiled little brat, especially at age 5.



ok, i didnt mean to offend u... :? . u never said that in yur post or i misread this so YES YOU ARE RIGHT it does definetly sound like autism with this kid. YOU dont know anything about my nephew and I DO NOT think he is a spoiled brat! 1. because HE DOESNT ACT UP ALL the time. 2. HE gets away ALOT with hitting his brother and sister (his sister can NOT be knocked around by him because she was born with a birth defect called spina bifida and and her spine can easily be damaged or the shunt in her knocked out of place). and 3.) when his dad takes care of his behavior he straightens up. and i can tell you somethin right now just becus he acts up sometimes does NOT mean he is autistic or some other disorder. on the flip side of that it doesnt mean that he doesnt have some disorder( but i doubt it)..And i know if anyone takes there kid to some phsych to see what is "wrong" with him there always gonna make excuses give them a name tag, and drug them up on meds and give a reason why they act the way they do. Cus it makes parents feel better. NOT sayin everyone does that but look how many kids are on meds today and are diagnosed ADHD/ADD just becus they would rather be outside playin rather then sittin down doin schoolwork! It made me irritable too. And so alot of parents have forgotten to parent their kids cus they just blame it on some disorder or another just cus of they way they act. HOWEVER your story is so much different once a parent knows that their kid is autistic like this kid your talkin about they cant be treated how those parents are treating her. Especially someone who has mild/severe autism. So i am sorry i dont want you to take me the wrong way at all. I hope you will be able to help the child and the parents too.



hellokittyluvr
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08 Aug 2012, 8:18 pm

Dirtdigger wrote:
CuriousKitten wrote:
Dirtdigger wrote:
hellokittyluvr wrote:
i would probably keep a close eye on her and the family..cus you dont want to assume she is autistic it could just be her way of acting out too..My nephew is 5 and he can be very unruly sometimes and throwin temper tantrums if he doesn't wanna do something that hes supposed to do he will throw the biggest fit and hes so strong his parents try and hold him down to get him to stop his tantrum but he is all over the place. Even if its somethin like not wanting to get dressed for the day. And he is not autistic. I agree parents should'nt hit their kids unless its a spanking or somethin but you cant just do that to an autistic child becus they wont understand.


I think the daughter was diagnosed after I brought this to their attention. At least this is one thing they did right. But, since they have issues too, especially the father, I think they need counseling. These people almost seem to be ashamed of their daughter. Their daughter is fixated on objects, wants to be by herself away from people, is not talking right now, have repetitive movements constantly lining objects up. So does this child sound like a spoiled little brat or a child with Autism?

Have your nephew been diagnosed for Autism or Bipolar? Bipolar children has the same issues of your nephew so don't just assume he is a spoiled little brat, especially at age 5.


Is she still without speech at 5? That is very late indeed!

A child that is simply spoiled would be talking -- they are usually very good at making their wishes known.

It sounds like they are declaring the child spoiled because having a spoiled child is less of a "crime" than having a child with classic autism.


I was speaking of hellokittyluvr's nephew since she said he was 5. However, I don't think their daughter is not that old. She can't be much older than 3 years old and they told me she was speaking and suddenly quit. They moved in their place on 8/2009 and she gave birth almost immediately after. I get that feeling too that they rather see her as a spoiled brat than a child with Autism because they can better deal with it. It is a real shame that some parents are ashamed of their autistic children. It seems like this is pretty common with parents too. Obviously hellokittyluvr thinks her nephew is a spoiled brat rather than maybe having Bipolar and needing some sort of guidance.


I DID NOT SAY THAT!! GET YOUR FACTS STRAIGHT!! EVEN BIPOLAR KIDS CAN BE SPOILED GOd i think more people are ashamed with the way they parent then some dumbass disorder name tag. Even kids with autism can be spoiled not they should be punished in the same way as some "normal" kids but its true heck everyone can be spoiled and can act like a brat..Its funnyhow i write 2 sentences about him and u want to suggest hes bipolar..wow. Its not just the "normal" kids that are spoiled. So dont assume that i think MY OWN nephew is a spoiled brat just because i dont consider he being diagnosed with all these disorders out there. (this has nothin to do with the kid your talkin about i dont know her but it does sound like autism yes) I'm just sick of hearin all these stories and because parents can't accept when their kid get out of line sometimes(however i do know there are times when parents have absolutely no idea what to do cus their kid may seem "off the wall" or throw tantrums ALOT..But you can usually tell the difference when somethin seems not the norm with their kid and when it is just a kid havin a tantrum cus they want their way.. it doesnt take a rocket scientist to figure it out. And just cus some kid is havin a tantrum DOES NOT MEAN i think that they are beingspoiled brats they are bein kids for god sake! Again dont assume things that arent true and dont take offence to what i said. i didnt know im not you. i dont know the kid..but the way u described her more better just now it does sound like autism for sure.



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08 Aug 2012, 9:00 pm

My mom used to hold me down to brush my hair, too. And to dress me, and to force me to do things, and whenever I had tantrums. It was one of the worst experiences of my life. I would just panic--struggle until I had no energy left. This mom desperately needs to find better ways to interact with her daughter. I got spanked, too, which didn't change anything because I'm hyposensitive to that kind of pain and honestly didn't notice it.

Have you considered recommending WP to her? There are so many sensible parents here who can give this lady some advice. Raising a three-year-old is hard enough; if the kid is autistic and the mom doesn't know much about autism, it's probably even more challenging. Hearing from some parents who've got kids who are older and who have more experience might really help her.


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09 Aug 2012, 12:41 am

I'm a little confused by some of the wording, so I want to ask you to clarify it for me please.

You said you think the daughter was diagnosed after you brought it to the parents attention. Do you mean that you suspect the child is autistic and you talked to them about it and they may or may not have gotten a diagnosis, or do you mean that the child was diagnosed but you don't remember if it was before or after you talked to the parents?


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09 Aug 2012, 7:03 am

hellokittyluvr wrote:
Dirtdigger wrote:
CuriousKitten wrote:
Dirtdigger wrote:
hellokittyluvr wrote:
i would probably keep a close eye on her and the family..cus you dont want to assume she is autistic it could just be her way of acting out too..My nephew is 5 and he can be very unruly sometimes and throwin temper tantrums if he doesn't wanna do something that hes supposed to do he will throw the biggest fit and hes so strong his parents try and hold him down to get him to stop his tantrum but he is all over the place. Even if its somethin like not wanting to get dressed for the day. And he is not autistic. I agree parents should'nt hit their kids unless its a spanking or somethin but you cant just do that to an autistic child becus they wont understand.


I think the daughter was diagnosed after I brought this to their attention. At least this is one thing they did right. But, since they have issues too, especially the father, I think they need counseling. These people almost seem to be ashamed of their daughter. Their daughter is fixated on objects, wants to be by herself away from people, is not talking right now, have repetitive movements constantly lining objects up. So does this child sound like a spoiled little brat or a child with Autism?

Have your nephew been diagnosed for Autism or Bipolar? Bipolar children has the same issues of your nephew so don't just assume he is a spoiled little brat, especially at age 5.


Is she still without speech at 5? That is very late indeed!

A child that is simply spoiled would be talking -- they are usually very good at making their wishes known.

It sounds like they are declaring the child spoiled because having a spoiled child is less of a "crime" than having a child with classic autism.


I was speaking of hellokittyluvr's nephew since she said he was 5. However, I don't think their daughter is not that old. She can't be much older than 3 years old and they told me she was speaking and suddenly quit. They moved in their place on 8/2009 and she gave birth almost immediately after. I get that feeling too that they rather see her as a spoiled brat than a child with Autism because they can better deal with it. It is a real shame that some parents are ashamed of their autistic children. It seems like this is pretty common with parents too. Obviously hellokittyluvr thinks her nephew is a spoiled brat rather than maybe having Bipolar and needing some sort of guidance.


I DID NOT SAY THAT!! GET YOUR FACTS STRAIGHT!! EVEN BIPOLAR KIDS CAN BE SPOILED GOd i think more people are ashamed with the way they parent then some dumbass disorder name tag. Even kids with autism can be spoiled not they should be punished in the same way as some "normal" kids but its true heck everyone can be spoiled and can act like a brat..Its funnyhow i write 2 sentences about him and u want to suggest hes bipolar..wow. Its not just the "normal" kids that are spoiled. So dont assume that i think MY OWN nephew is a spoiled brat just because i dont consider he being diagnosed with all these disorders out there. (this has nothin to do with the kid your talkin about i dont know her but it does sound like autism yes) I'm just sick of hearin all these stories and because parents can't accept when their kid get out of line sometimes(however i do know there are times when parents have absolutely no idea what to do cus their kid may seem "off the wall" or throw tantrums ALOT..But you can usually tell the difference when somethin seems not the norm with their kid and when it is just a kid havin a tantrum cus they want their way.. it doesnt take a rocket scientist to figure it out. And just cus some kid is havin a tantrum DOES NOT MEAN i think that they are beingspoiled brats they are bein kids for god sake! Again dont assume things that arent true and dont take offence to what i said. i didnt know im not you. i dont know the kid..but the way u described her more better just now it does sound like autism for sure.


Quote:
Obviously hellokittyluvr thinks her nephew is a spoiled brat rather than maybe having Bipolar and needing some sort of guidance


Did I say you "said" your nephew was a spoiled brat or did a say that you "think" your nephew was a spoiled brat? I stand by with what I say after your very detailed description of a kid that is a spoiled brat. Read what you said below. If he don't sound like a spoiled brat, than I don't know who it.

Quote:
..My nephew is 5 and he can be very unruly sometimes and throwin temper tantrums if he doesn't wanna do something that hes supposed to do he will throw the biggest fit and hes so strong his parents try and hold him down to get him to stop his tantrum but he is all over the place. Even if its somethin like not wanting to get dressed for the day. And he is not autistic. I agree parents should'nt hit their kids unless its a spanking or somethin but you cant just do that to an autistic child becus they wont understand.


So you need to stop taking what I said out of context.

My last thought, unless a child gets a diagnosis, don't assume that the child don't have Autism or Bipolar.



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09 Aug 2012, 6:04 pm

My parents held me down and brushed my teeth and hair when I was little. I was also forced to have my hair washed and they ignored my screams. It had to be done. Here I am all grown up and okay. They even had to hold me down when they gave me my medicine. I remember back then how scary it was but then I always be over it when it be over. But the memory never left my brain. When I was seven, I was at my doctor's appointment for my ear and I was having it cleaned out, mom had to hold me down on the table. I had skin growing over my ear drum that tilted because it was falling out and got stuck. So I was having ear problems and mom finally took me to the ear doctor. He didn't knock me out before cleaning out my ear and taking out the tube.


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09 Aug 2012, 7:55 pm

My mother and an opthalmologist once both held me down while putting eye drops in my eyes when I was maybe three...they really burned and all I could see was white....it was awful.

I think it's great that you've offered the family your support, DirtDigger. :heart:


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09 Aug 2012, 9:09 pm

I wish my parents had (and will!) use(d) positive enforcement. I don't know how much you can really do. Unfortunately, when this child becomes my age (16) the results of their poor parenting will become very apparent to both the parents and to the child and it will lead to a very distant relationship. As long as there parents are not violent, I don't think it is really necessary to report them.



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18 Nov 2012, 6:48 am

They're lucky CPS hasn't showed up at their door yet.
God! Stories like this make me sick! :x b/c it shows me how ungrateful some of these parents are that these children exist! You know, most of the time it's b/c of the parents' treatment of the child(ren) that they become therapy seeking head cases (like myself) right? (just a theory, feel free to disagree, if you wish.)
I'm so sick of seeing children treated like this!


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