What's your opinion on craigslist relationship for aspie?

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solo
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09 Aug 2012, 11:40 pm

Just a random idea that popped into my head over the last few days. I have been a lurker on this site like most other forums I am on and read a lot and try to learn from other peoples thoughts. I have been tossing the idea around about posting locally on craigslist looking to possibly meet a girl who may have Aspergers like myself (self diagnosed). I read on here that it seems to be looked down apon to inform any potential relationship early or right off the bat that you have Aspergers. Well, I don't want to try and keep it a secret, I like being up front and open when it comes to this (never had a relationship) so that if it something that the other person doesn't want to deal with, they can leave before real feelings are formed.

My whole life I have kept a lot bottled up because I have nobody that is a "true" friend that I can trust with any of my inner most thoughts / feelings. I hate hiding anymore and just want someone who wants the real me, someone who understands my struggles and fears. Unfortunately I have been ignored my whole life and suck at social situations so it is hard for me to meet people. I don't get the smiles or flirtations from women, I work a lot in the beginning of the year and then work slows down to the point I have time for someone, even when I am at my busiest I will make time no matter what. I am just socially behind by my guesstimate of 15 years socially. I just want love.

This may not be right to post here, and if not, please delete my post. I have post on craiglist 2 times and the outcomes were that I got a few responses from sickos, and a lot of spam. I am really looking for someone that is in one of the surrounding cities by me because I cannot trek across the state all the time. Need locally. I tell a lot of truth up front on my ads, but in your opinion, am I hurting myself more for doing this? Or is this a way to possibly find a genuine person? I have looked over aspieaffection and nobody close to me. Craigslist is the only way I see to meet locally.

I feel very awkward posting this here but hopefully I am among friends and I would like your honest opinion. This is my old post I used to post there looking for someone. The only difference if I post again would be to be up front about being a self diagnosed aspie:

Quote:
I have done this once before on here with bad results, but willing to give it one more shot. I guess I will go with letting you know the type of person I am looking for first..... I am looking for that funny, cute, thought-provoking, non-mainstream, truely honest type of girl. Someone who isn't only out for personal gain, but is someone who thinks of others, enjoys this simple things in life, sees art and beauty in total nothingness. Someone who makes me think and is the arty type that doesn't see the world as most of society. I can't help liking what I like, but I like skinny, short, punk / emo girls. Women with personalities who aren't glued to their cellphones, facebook, myspace, twitter, etc. A girl I could hang out with, be myself, actually not have to feel like I need to guard myself. Someone who is happy with just taking a long walk, or looking up at the stars, taking in the beauty in life. A deep thinker that can appriciate the little things, and someone who doesn't judge. I have run into this type of person maybe 1 time. Not really sure if she exists. Now a little about me if I haven't scared you away yet.

I am 26 years old, 6 foot 1 inch, 170 pounds. Skinny and somewhat muscular due to my line of work. Brown hair and brown eyes. Sometimes long hair, sometimes short, beard / no beard, depends on my mood. For me, honesty is huge with me. When I say somthing, you can take it to the bank. I cannot stand liars, have dealt with enough over the years that I don't tolerate it anymore. One downfall which has messed me up socially in life is that I am extremely shy. If I ran into you at a store, it may take me a month of "attempting" to flirt to actually work up the nerve to ask you out. It's bad, but once I get to know you and feel comfortable, you would never know I had a problem. This unfortunately has made me feel to the point that I just don't fit in anywhere in society and live pretty much like a hermit only coming out to work. Between being shy and working non-stop since I was 14, this messed me up relationship-wise because I never had the time to enjoy being young, finding love, and actually know what the hell I am doing. It's all pretty damn new to me. Shouldn't be at age 26, lol. Unfortunately years ago, this led me to start to "party" a lot. I tried to smoke my depression away for years, but it never worked. I saw a lot of people I know go down bad roads, die, etc. Almost 2 years ago I walked away from it all, walked away from friends that weren't good for me, stopped tokin and partying and re-evaluated my life and have spent every day since trying to improve everything. I am a very open minded person. Also D and D free and looking for the same. Are you still reading? I am impressed. I may have run away by now if I was you.

Tired of writing that whole sob story, a little about my interests: Art, photography, hiking, looking up at the stars / moonlight walks, listening to music ( I love non-mainstream, music that actually makes you think /feel and see life differently. Placebo is my all time fav) going to the movies, staying in, bon-fires, just sitting and talking for hours. Reading, classic movies, cars, car shows, cruising (cars are a huge part of my life since I was small, high performance street / race cars are what I work on, own, build (nothing tuner-foreign car, big wing rides, only classics, muscle, race, American cars) I am very biased on this subject, lol. I am someone who has always put others ahead of myself. This has come back to bite me in the ass a few times, but I always try to help anyone and everyone. Whether it's doing extra work on a job no charge, or just taking care of someone. I have been known as a "doormat" before because some people have come to abuse my willingness to help. This is a huge turn-off. I never like to see anyone in pain or suffer so I always do my best to help. I overthink everything no matter what it is. Maybe "over-analyze" is a more accurate word. I am a man who appriciates the little things in life and doesn't need much to be happy. All i am really searching for now is a kind, sweet, trustworthy, non-cheating girl (I am so against cheating and cannot understand how someone can do it.) to help me open up and wants to know who I am and doesn't want to turn around and run because of my lack of knowledge relationship-wise. I am not looking for a fuck-buddy. I am looking to get to know you. The person you actually are. I want that deeper connection that I never seem to find. I am a hopless romantic. And maybe my lack of experience is a downfall for me. I hope there is somone like this and is not just in the movies I have seen. Maybe this doesn't exist. All I know is that I am very shy and this is an obsticle I struggle to cross. To see me, you would never think that I am this way. I am good at hiding how I feel, but want someone that I don't have to hide from. I just look like your average hard working, manual labor, car loving, physically fit guy. Just shy and introverted and extremely lonely, yet surrounded. I am not ugly (I don't think, lol) I like to talk, obviously. There is more I would like to write, so I will probably update this tomorrow.

If you are still reading, I am looking for a girl who is 19 to 25 and lives somewhere close (brecksville, broadview hts, parma, seven hills, brook park, independence, north royalton) looking for friends first (I want to get to know you : ) ) and if I find the right girl, a committed, LTR. I am 420 friendly and don't mind it as long as you aren't into a lot of other things. Side note: I am old-school and only date 1 person at a time, and won't go looking for another. I hope you are the same. It's way too rare these days to find someone like that. Please send updated pic ( no photoshoped crap again) and if you sound like whom I am searching for, I will send you my pic. If replying, tell me about yourself and put your favorite band in the title so I know you are real. Otherwise, I will ignore your response and believe it to be spam.

take care all.


I am looking for an opinion on anything here, what to do, what not to do. And if by some strange chance someone on WP who lives in Cleveland Ohio is interested in me, let me know :wink: (this is my odd humor nobody likes / understands)

I am unsure if I should have even posted this topic but we will see.

Thank you all

-m



TallyMan
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09 Aug 2012, 11:43 pm

(Thread moved from Autism discussion to L&D)



Esther
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10 Aug 2012, 12:30 am

Wow, I read your entire profile and the longer I read, the more you sound so much like my lovely boyfriend. He's originally from Ohio, too. :) We met here on WP.

I like how you seem so honest in your profile. Frankly, had I been a member and seen that on any dating site and I met your type requirements, I would immediately have been intrigued and nervously contacted you.

Try other dating sates and don't just rely on Craigslist. Try Plentyoffish and OKCupid.

You sound like a nice guy. And no, being nice isn't a death knell. There are women out there who will take nice any day. Don't lose hope.

Good luck! :thumleft:



questor
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10 Aug 2012, 1:41 am

Your best bet is here at WP in the Love and Dating forum. With Craigs List and the other general places, you don't know what you will get. Some of the people who frequent those sites are predators, so steer clear of them, or at least be very careful.



thewhitrbbit
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10 Aug 2012, 9:33 am

Post and see what happens. With online dating, you should apply the same precautions for any website, from Adult Friend Finder to Wrong Planet to Eharmony.



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10 Aug 2012, 12:14 pm

You need to keep it a lot more brief, so people can get to know you, otherwise there's nothing to get to know you about and kind of ruins it. There is so much you need to cut out of there.
Don't point out the things you don't like in people/life. Just put down a few of your interests, what you're looking for (don't explain what you're looking for in a person, just say like "looking for dating females between the age of 18-24", obviously change that to what you're looking for)

Also, you're not very likely to find a relationship with craigslist. People usually just use it for sex.



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10 Aug 2012, 12:25 pm

Hey :) first off, all the best in the dating arena!
Now down to business:

1) TL;DR (too long, didn't read). It's not me being ignorant, a lot of people would also take one look at the walls of text and turn around.
2) Stick to the positives, avoid the negatives.
3) Don't reveal too much personal info.
4) It's great that you have a lot of interests and things to keep you busy! I wish I did right :( but shortlist down to the top 2 or 3 things you do and like the most and at best maybe 1 sentence on why you like them all (combined). A guy/girl likes to think you would find time for them as well as your hobbies.
5) Less really is more. You will have more to talk about if you keep some cards close to your chest. Let them know more about yourself over time, not all in one big hit. It's not a CV as such, more like a pamphlet being handed out for a party ;)
6) There ARE Craigslist trolls. I would not date on there as an Aspie even in the UK one. Please think about other places, or if posting in CL not mentioning you're an Aspie or have any other conditions.

All the best, I hope this goes well for you!



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10 Aug 2012, 1:01 pm

solo wrote:
My whole life I kept a lot bottled up because I have nobody that is a "true" friend that I can trust with any of my inner most thoughts / feelings. I hate hiding anymore and just want someone who wants the real me, someone who understands my struggles and fears.
Unfortunately I have been ignored my whole life and suck at social situations so it is hard for me to meet new people. I don't get the smiles or flirtation from women...

In all seriousness I could say the same... however I know that the less I want to interact face to face, the more likely it is for me to not bother trying so I use this as motivation to try rather than not even caring.


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solo
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10 Aug 2012, 11:38 pm

I appriciate the opinions and have been thinking more on them.

Esther, your response gives me hope that there may be someone for me out there in the world.

I fully understand that most people don't want to read a ton of text and that they just glance over things like that. Most want it sweet and simple. Unfortunately this is rather difficult for me because I am not the best at communicating and it seems to take me a lot more words to explain myself that others. But on the other hand, I feel like some people who do this are lazy and just want instant gratification, don't want to know how something works, just that it does. I am not calling anyone anything for glancing over something because it is "too much" effort, I unfortunately sometimes do the same :wink:

I can narrow down the interest list, but the reason I put a bunch of things was in hopes that maybe there is something that a women would have an interest in on my list and it would be something that we could share. I thought maybe it would help my chances. My thinking just doesn't seem to fit in with mst peoples.

I understand that a lot feel that I am revealing too much. My reasoning for telling as much as I do upfront is that I want someone to know some of these things early so if they don't want to deal with me, they will just leave before any feelings are made. I have tried keeping things to myself and telling info slowly to friends that I have known for a long time and what I have come to find out is that they find me too weird and they are never the same around me. They look at me differently, or some will flat out say I am nuts. Unfortunately what most think is a lot that I wrote, in reality is such a small percentage of who I am. I am not like 95% of people that I come in contact with, so if I actually meet someone that is interested, and I move slowly w/ any info, from my experience they want to run. My "thinking" behind it to put it not so nice terms is to "weed out" people who aren't right for me.

Where I am from people I guess expect who I look like on the outside to be different. To look at me you would see a bearded guy who is physically fit, works hard, fixes anything, drives fast cars, loves music. Macho type I guess. When I start to show who I am on the inside, people don't know what to think and are nervouse or something because I am not who I appear on the outside. Happened before. I don't know. These are some of my reasonings behind how I wrote this. Maybe my being upfront is due to being tired of dealing with liers all the time. I am trying to show that I am trustworthy and have morals?

You guys aren't kidding about craigslist being mainly for sex and trolls. I really don't like it there but it was my only options before. I have family that if they found out about me posting about stuff like this, thinking this way, posting on dating sites, it would just make them look at me and critisize me a lot more than now and they are all I have that accept me. I have a nosey brother that would love to find something like this and then tell everyone about it and make me look like an idiot. Kinda have to be "sneaky" I guess.

I will post it here on WP in th "elidgeable oddballs" section and maybe luck will be on my side for once. Unless there is a better place to post on here.

well, I will study over my first post and see about doing some changes, I just feel like if I change a lot and don't speak about what I did, that I am not being who I am, and that I am putting on an "act", not being the real me. I want to be loved for who I am, not who I portray. I am just messed up :?

Thank you all, I really appriciate the responses



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11 Aug 2012, 1:02 am

Watch out for serial killers. Really. Craigslist is dangerous.


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My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA. ;-)

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11 Aug 2012, 5:38 am

Honestly, all I can say is good luck, because coming from a female, I would run a mile just reading that first few lines of your profile. It makes you come across too needy and desperate, and that you're expecting to meet the love of your life through Craigslist, without even exploring the dating world.

You need EXPERIENCE!

I have to be really honest here, because I want to help you.

Obviously you weren't willing to change anything about your ad, even though you asked for opinions/advice, so there's my opinion and advice, as well as my comment above.

It is just one big wall of text and nobody will read it.



solo
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11 Aug 2012, 7:55 am

Actually there was a father and son not too far from where I live that lured a guy with a promise of a job opportunity and they killed him. Second guy escaped.

You misunderstood what I was writing. I didn't say that I wasn't going to change my post, I was actually trying to explain my thought process and my reasoning for writing the way that I did. Not surprised women would run, I just felt they would want an explination of why I was socially awkward and maybe then they would be more accepting. Doesn't surprise me that my thinking is more flawed than I thought. I also figured that if I posted something like that here on WP, there would be more people in my situation that would understand my thinking. I will try again

Wow, I thought my first few lines were some of the best out of all that I wrote. If those few make people run then I am just screwed



Last edited by solo on 11 Aug 2012, 8:00 am, edited 1 time in total.

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11 Aug 2012, 7:57 am

But the thing is, you've went into detail so much about yourself and about what you want in a woman, and then confused anyone that actually reads it, that you're also looking for a friend?

If you're looking for a friend, why do you need such a big life story? No-one does life stories on Craigslist.



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11 Aug 2012, 8:18 am

I diasgree that what the OP is written is too long, I think its an great profile . If you want to find someone who is very rare, then you've got to be ultra honest about yourself and exactly who you're looking for. You can't do that in just a few sentences.

Don't give up hope, women like you describe do exist (I like to think I am an example, unfortunately I am on the other side of the Atlantic from you).



solo
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11 Aug 2012, 11:33 pm

MightyMorphin wrote:
But the thing is, you've went into detail so much about yourself and about what you want in a woman, and then confused anyone that actually reads it, that you're also looking for a friend?

If you're looking for a friend, why do you need such a big life story? No-one does life stories on Craigslist.


I thought I was pretty clear, but I have been told that I explain things harder than is needed. When entering a relationship, shouldn't you at least be friends first? Maybe I have this whole relationship idea wrong. More baffling than I could have imagined.

Well after reading all the responses I think I should take a little from each. Eliminate some details and make it smaller for people who don't like to read, but keep the honesty in it at least when it comes to posting on this site. Maybe I will just avoid craigslist. Yeah nobody does life stories there, and i am not like everybody else, and don't want to jump from invisible to just being the same as most. Plus I know craigslist isn't the best place to find someone. I just wish for someone like me because I don't relate to most of society. I will try here and maybe aspie affection, or hope I may stumble into something naturally. If not I will give up one day and just keep to myself and keep myself busy till I die.



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12 Aug 2012, 7:13 am

solo wrote:
MightyMorphin wrote:
But the thing is, you've went into detail so much about yourself and about what you want in a woman, and then confused anyone that actually reads it, that you're also looking for a friend?

If you're looking for a friend, why do you need such a big life story? No-one does life stories on Craigslist.


I thought I was pretty clear, but I have been told that I explain things harder than is needed. When entering a relationship, shouldn't you at least be friends first? Maybe I have this whole relationship idea wrong. More baffling than I could have imagined.

Well after reading all the responses I think I should take a little from each. Eliminate some details and make it smaller for people who don't like to read, but keep the honesty in it at least when it comes to posting on this site. Maybe I will just avoid craigslist. Yeah nobody does life stories there, and i am not like everybody else, and don't want to jump from invisible to just being the same as most. Plus I know craigslist isn't the best place to find someone. I just wish for someone like me because I don't relate to most of society. I will try here and maybe aspie affection, or hope I may stumble into something naturally. If not I will give up one day and just keep to myself and keep myself busy till I die.


So then what's the point in being friends to get to know eachother, when there's nothing for the other person to get to know you about? You've spoilt it for them.
Even if I had everything in common with you and you were the man I was looking for, I wouldn't even try. You've left nothing to mystery.