I need a little support

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I need help on how to handle this the right way, for me and my 3 1/2 yo ASD son. I just took my son to the library to meet his teacher. I was with my 20yo niece and my 6 yo NT son who also stays with my son at the library so that they can practice communication with my 3 1/2 and his teacher. Since we were a few mins early, my son wanted to play on the mat with some toys. There was a 4-5 yo NT girl building a castle with foam blocks. My son loves to topple over the blocks at home after we build them up. I couldn't reach my son fast enough to stop him from topplling over the little girls blocks. I ran over, appologised to the little girl and her mother (who was visible upset and complaining). I also told my son not to do that, it wasn't nice and told him to appologise. He then said sorry.

I directed my son to the table and he started to read and then we did a puzzle. His teacher then came. After we said our greeting, we were talking briefly about what she planned to do with him today. My son then noticed the little girl had built her castle again and ran over and knocked it over. The teacher was able to reach him faster and so she them appologised to the mother and the child and started telling my son not to do that. The mother than lost it and started saying that we need to keep my son under control and that he shouldn't come over that side of the mat anymore.

My son's teacher, who is pretty attached to my son started arguing with the woman about her being rude and that she was talking to a child. The woman was arguing back and seemed like a really angry person. Eventually, I just told the woman that my son has a disability and that's why he did that since she was arguing that my son was spoilt. I told her to have a good day and we walked off. His teacher was visibly upset and would have continued to argue with this woman. this woman back down, slightly when I told her my son had a disability.

I can understand from a parent's point of view the need to protect their child. Maybe she thought my son was being a bully. I want to teach my son how to handle things peacfully, so I didn't want to argue in front of him. I kissed him so much and told him how much I loved him before I left the library. It would have been so easy to go off on this woman, but I am trying to behave like an adult and set a good example for my children.

Please let me know if I handle this the right way? Also, if your son doesn't look like he has ASD, how do you let people know, when he does something inappropriate? Is there something else I should have done, or could have done?

It sounds like you did good. The teacher legally may not be able to say the child has a disability so she had to argue another way.

The other mother was also right to a point. If some kid came over and knocked over what my kid was working on, I would be upset with the parents.

Well, fooey on her. They are foam blocks and honestly lots of 3.5 yo kids, AS or NT, would have also knocked downt he blocks repeatedly and you know what? Their parents wouldn't have made any excuses and would have just chortled and said, "Kids!" because honestly, that is exactly the type of behavior you expect out of *any* 3.5 year old child. If anything, her and her child are the spoiled rotten brats for reacting soo poorly over some blocks. I can't count the number of times my daughter (who has AS) has been somewhere public and maybe she has stacked blocks, or made a pattern with blocks and some other kid (probably NT) has come over and messed with her blocks. The kids never apologize, parents never intercede even when their kids does it repeatedly even though my daughter is getting upset. Then, IM the one apologizing because she flew off the handle about the kid repeatedly messing with her blocks. So here it is, which kid should be apoligizing? The one knocking over the blocks, or the one who is freaking out?

So you can't win, don't even try. Shes a stranger, you will never see her again. I would honestly have told her to go fly a kite and get off her high horse and take a look at her own snot nosed brat.

I think you handled it well...I might just say "I am so sorry he doesnt understand and, we will do our best to keep him from knocking the blocks over". It is hard when the child doesnt appear disabled becasue others surely do pass judgement on them and us for "bad parenting and spoiled kids".

Hang in there!

This has happened so many times with all my kids. I know the pleasure of knocking down is completely natural for all kids because it was one of my twins' favourite games: one would build it up, one would knock it down, they'd both laugh. Then the other. I don't know, maybe it was because I always laughed at it; it seemed like a fun game and they both learned not to get too upset. Now, if that kind of thing had caused a meltdown from a child with a disability, I might not have been so casual about it; I don't know, that kind of thing didn't bother her any more than the other kids.

When we are outside of our family environment, everything seems worse, doesn't it? My daughter was saying that now that she is a mother she will never again look at a toddler throwing a tantrum in the store the same way again. Sometimes I think we can model a "it's no big deal" attitude; it works great with our kids and maybe other parents can learn from it, too. My take on this? I think the mother was overreacting, I think her child is going to have to learn to share and deal with normal frustrations, I think you handled it well but were more apologetic than I would be, and I am surprised the teacher seemed as upset as she was; you'd think this would have happened to her a hundred times before. That was nice of her to be protective, though.
J.

When my daughter was younger I made my own autism awareness card.

On one side it said something like "I'm autistic...autism is a neurological difference that affects the way I perceive the world around me and the way I interact with others."

Then on the other side it said something like "At first you might just notice that I am a cute little girl with my curly hair and big eyes. But then I might do something unusual, shocking, or even disturbing. I just want you to know that it's because I sometimes have a hard time understanding the world around me. I am not naughty; I am not spoiled. And my Mommy is a good mommy. Please have patience with me while I learn to cope with a world that is confusing and sometimes overwhelming to me."

My overall philosophy is like yours. I want to teach my children tolerance and understanding and I think arguing with strangers is contrary to that.

On the other hand, that mom needs to get over herself. She is in a public library. She has to realize it is not her living room and kids might knock her daughter's tower over. It's not her personal blocks. Perhaps she ought to focus on what she is teaching her daughter. I'm sorry. But I have little patience for grown-ups who lose their sh*t over the behavior of toddlers. I mean, really? He's 3 1/2 for crying out loud. Her daughter is the "big kid." Perhaps she needs to learn some frustration tolerance, though it doesn't appear she'd learn that from her mom.

Public library and as her child was older it would have been a perfect time for her to talk to her child about coping with a situation like that... that's an important lesson she hasn't learnt yet (mother or daughter it seems). It shouldn't have really been her concern why your child was knocking over the blocks, but rather she should have been focussed on her own daughter's reaction to it. I would have told them why too though, because I hate it when people think my kids are brats, they aren't- so I "stick up" for them. It's going to happen again (and again) though, people just love to make judgements and ill informed comments about your parenting when your child does something inappropriate in public. Yes, if it gets to this point I do tell people. If they react like this, then I think they need to be educated and if it makes them feel bad, which it usually does, then great! Hopefully, they will think next time about assuming they know it all.

Thanks so much for your support and advice! I spoke to the teacher when I picked him up from the library and she said she spoke to the mother again about using this as a teaching moment for a daughter. The mother was still angry she said which made her realize that this woman is just an angry woman, period. The teacher said that there was another child that came along after that my son was interacting with. Something similar happened and that mother just said, "Kids" and laughed it off. The librarian also took some time to speak to me and told me how sweet my boys are. The teacher reminded that for every jerk out there, there are a hundred people out there who are good. So, we have to focus on the good and ignore the bad.

I am happy that because we turned it into a teachable moment for the boys, they have totally moved on from the incidence and still are looking forward to going back to the library. I know these things will happen, but I was expecting it from children. I just can't see how a perfect stranger can get so angry at a toddler. It speaks volume about who this mother is. I feel sorry for her daughter.

Great attitude. I hope the other mother came to see it as a teachable moment also.