Are they being mean to me? Older Aspies please give advice?

Post Reply New Topic

Ok, I don't know if this should be in the general section or what not, but I was sort of hoping for some older aspies advice..

To begin with, I'm in a Youth College Group(and work groups as well), and at the beginning(last year) I went and talked/participated in all the activities for a while, and got comments from the College age people that "I'm slow" just because of how I interact with them. Needless to say these comments kept coming, so after a while (and I stood up for myself everytime ) I stopped going(work, life, sick) well I recently started going again(Mother's idea) and am enjoying playing some of the outdoor games, but again the comments are weird,( like when I join in a conversation) I say something loud enough for them to hear me, and it involves what their talking about and no one replies or they're like "did you hear some annoying mouse?"

Anyways, sometimes when were in a discussion they'll say 'oh I hate gays, or I think retarted people are stupid' (and look right at me, while pointing to me) yet whenever someone asks a science/deep philosophical question(s) the class NEVER answers, and look at me in 'awe' yet they still say I'm stupid? (I get the answer right as well).

While I'm still talking to people in the College group they'll be talking and go off in their little groups and wont let me in, well a number of times, I have noticed that they never ask how each other is doing etc, and just talk about themselves? Another thing is they always ask/invite the newcomers to go to their personal parties, yet I never get invited? Twice, I have stated that I love barbeques, and would like to get them gifts. Well someone whom I considered a friend, was talking about inviting everyone to a party of hers and I said that I loved going to movies(as well as barbeques) and that person said oh ok (while smiling) and they said I'll call you with more details, well they never did, and I asked them about it, and I didn't get an answer from them...They just evaded/rolled their eyes at me....

I don't get it they're 26-28ish, and I have always been taught to be nice(I'm somewhat an outgoing aspie, and I'm 20 actually in college), and ask I usually always ask how their doing, take interest in them, show some empathy, and yet I'm the one whose called selfish and stupid???

I know the world doesn't revolve around me(I learned that lesson a while ago) but I have been told that us Aspies are into ourselves and have almost no empathy, yet I show it to them(genually caring), and I still get called that??

Older aspies please help/advice? I'm just about to give up on this church group/groups of people my age, which brings me to something else my mother says that "churches are always accepting, and its just in my head"..well I notice when shes there they ALWAYS change to be nice and caring, but when she leaves they usually get nasty and say "your'e stupid, you cant drive yet, and you have your mommy come to get you".. With this economy they know my family can't afford a car. ( I have my learners permit though)

I have talked to her, and shes says those things or gets exasperated with me....Help???? Please???

Why are the groups(not necessarily just church groups , usually work/coworkers, and everyone) of people around my age doing these things to me??? I'm outgoing, I'm smart, I care about people, I take interest in them(while having my own interests, that I don't talk about much).... I haven't gotten much advice from others here in real life, so I'm hoping some older wiser Aspies would be able to help me?
Thanks in advance for reading this.

They don't sound very nice to me,you may be better off not having them as friends.They sound very narrow-minded and mean spirited.I don't think Jesus acted that way.It was harder for me when I was younger,now I'm more confident and if I think people are being deliberately cruel I'll go elsewhere.You sound very nice,you can do better than these people.You can check around and find a more open minded group and if they are nice they would probably help with your transportation problem.Good luck,I hope you find a group of decent folks.

You are being bullied. Sometimes it is hard to recognize when people are bullying you because it is so incomprehensible. There is probably a way to behave that will stop the bullying but I can't tell you what it is because I don't know. I think you should just stop being nice and keep as far away from them as you can. If there is at least one of them in the crowd that wants to befriend you then they will have to come to you.

They sound like very cliquey people. Some people are just kind of tribal like that. *shrugs*

As for the mean comments, it's not necessarily anything about you, but maybe more about their immaturity and the way they deal with peer pressure. If one person in a group with a bullying type mentality makes a sarcastic or hurtful comment about someone else, it would take some courage for someone else to call them out on it and to stick up for the person on the receiving end, it's easier for the others to keep quiet and not rock the boat, lest they become the bully's next target.

Like you said, you've made an effort, tried to engage in conversation, you've said that you'd like to be included in social events, but they haven't included you. And in a way, that's okay, because even in the NT world, not everyone likes everyone else, even some NT folk will be excluded from their exclusive little cliques, so try not to take it so personally. Although I have to admit, it doesn't sound like a very pleasant environment, I think it'd make most NT people feel uncomfortable, let alone an Aspie who is unsure of their social skills.

You only have to watch teenage high school movies and television programmes like Clueless or Glee with all their distinct social groupings of the jocks, the nerds/class swot types, the popular kids and the misfits etc., and popularity contests that are elections for positions on school councils and prom king/queen and so on to realise that trying to figure out the rules to socialising can result in a brutal battering of the ego and one's self-confidence.

Is there a group leader or organiser who you can maybe have a confidential chat with? Is there someone in a position of authority who you can say all this stuff to, about how you've tried to engage and be involved, but you're still feeling excluded, and you're not sure why, and you'd appreciate any insight they might share as to why they think you're not hitting it off with other group members, or maybe they can give you some advice?

Although, to be honest, in your situation, I might be tempted to give up on that particular group as a possible source of friends and as a means of socialising, because you've tried, and failed. And unless there's someone who can take you under their wing and help you out, things probably aren't going to change.

To use the analogy above, you might be better off thinking about what particular 'tribe' you might belong to, and then try to find other like minded people. If you like sports, try to figure out where you might meet other 'jocks', join a gym or a sports team (one of my friends plays netball and she plays in a local team). If you like music or drama, maybe join a choir or local 'glee club' or join an amateur dramatic group (a friend of mine sings in a local glee club and another is in a choir, a few others are in a local 'am-dram' group). If you like reading, try to find a book club. Or what about doing a part-time course or evening class, in a subject that interests you, perhaps photography or pottery or car mechanics or Spanish or something, and you'd meet people who shared an interest (you could maybe suggest socialising outside class, e.g. going to a photography exhibition or a Spanish film at the cinema). If you're a bit of a geek, try to find a local 'mad lab' or fab lab or hack lab or something.

Volunteering is a very good way of meeting altruistic and kind natured people. If you like cooking, maybe volunteer with a local soup kitchen. Or if you like nature, maybe join a hiking group, or get involved in an environmental campaign or conservation group. Or volunteer to work in a local charity shop.

Basically, instead of feeling like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole, and wondering why all those round pegs aren't very friendly and wondering what you can do to make that round hole fit better, try to find yourself a square hole where you can meet other square pegs.

Stop going. They sound like self-absorbed jerks. I can't believe people that age could be so immature! It's true that not everybody likes everybody else, but good people will talk about their plans in private so that you don't overhear them and get upset when you're not invited. It sounds like these people don't care about your feelings at all, so it doesn't seem like this is a healthy group to be in.

"churches are always accepting, and its just in my head"

WHAT. Don't listen to your mom at all. "Churches are always accepting," what a pathetic response. All people are different, even the ones who belong to churches. I can't believe she would say such a dismissive thing to her own family member. Stop going to this place where people treat you so terribly, and if she insists that you don't know what you're talking about, show her this forum thread where there are people who agree that the church group is not good for you.

Spokane sounds big enough where there might be other church groups and even autism (social) group(s) possibly. If you attend their prayer services too, usually they get money from you or they might anyway. You can give your money to a group that deserves it more! This is not a group that will help you at all and they don't even care about you. When you do leave, don't say anything to them. Don't complain, don't get mad at them because it's not worth the aggravation. If you want to get mad, just to it in posts like this one and keep it at that. If anyone asks why you aren't coming, just tell them "you're too busy" and don't tell them why. If someone gets more pushy about finding out why, then tell that person that they have to meet you 1-1 in-person at YOUR OWN convenience, and make sure the place is a public place if it's not a relative like your mother.

Since I am not in your situation I do not have all the data but my recommendation is as thus: You are subjecting yourself to a group of people whom are very unkind remove yourself from their presence at once. The very fact that it bothers you to the point of posting this is evidence that you need to learn a new lesson: when people bother you this much it is not healthy for you to be in contact.

a bit of an update, I have tried and found that I like a few of the new comers(and its vice versa) at my group. Problem is Im still being bullied by the majority of the group, and this is the ONLY place(that I know of) that I can talk to my new buds. Jason(new bud) is in school full time and lives no where close by, same thing with Nathan(also new bud). I am not comfortable with texting/calling people (mainly because Im in school, at work, or their at work/school). As far as FB goes and getting in touch with them well most of us dont have time for that. Infact I have finals this week. Im pretty sure they have finals this and next week as well.

Another update at work, I seem to notice that I almost always get along with the male coworkers. The thing is though I cant really socialize so much with them, because of the same reasons up above..(Distance, Busy lives). Im still being bullied by my female coworkers as well.
As far as mother(grandma) dearest goes about Church and other things like that, is lets just say shes a Close minded-republican Christian (maybe an older Aspie), so I cant really talk with her about things like this, without her screaming at me. My grandpa(dad) is even worse hes a hypocritical sweep things(social and ALL problems) under the rug type , or they dont exist, yet still expects me to be normal (and when I was younger he was abusive towards me)

Lets just say I have told my parents about some things that I would like to go too (like a work party) and I cant go, because if I drink alcohol, or play a game, Im going to be kicked out. They (quote) "cant deal with the behaviour, and well kick your ass out on the street, where youll really be sorry, and we cant and WONT deal with any drama" (their referring to my parents, and aunts and uncles who got into a crap load of trouble with drugs, prison, etc).

I KNOW right now that Im not capable of living on my own just yet, nor is it wise for me to try to live with a roommate.
The thing is I dont have someone who will take me to events and stuff. (I have a learners permit, but no car to drive, as we cant really afford gas prices), I have tried walking to the bus stop(VERY dangerous place), and the bus lets just say is NOT recommended where I live. I dont have friends either who can take me to events and stuff.

So long story short, I have some good things going for me, and need some more advice, please?
Thanks again for reading this

Is it your parents saying you cant drink/play because you'll be kicked out? If so, i can understand their meaning but they've gotta give you some slack. If you're never out and about you cant learn how to be out and about, you know?

Sod the bullies in your class. You're part of an elite group that they'll always be afraid of, yet curious at the same time. If you feel bold you could point it out the next time you answer a 'deep' question. "Y'all think im thick, yet im the only one answering these questions that you just cant understand. What does that tell you?". If you do decide to take this kind of course you should probably prepare some backup comments in case one of the more mouthy gits decided to take you on.

Yes it is my parents that say Ill be kicked out. A bit of an update about that, we are starting to come to a half way deal about that. My part of the deal is that, I pay for them driving me to the work parties and stuff(I pay more for the gas bill in otherwords) and that I dont get drunk or high or anything. I can be around these things, I just cant get drunk or high or stoned or anything. I can still drink, and I have bought a nonalcoholic margareta mix that Im going to bring to the parties.

As for the group of people, still somewhat the same, with the exception of the new comers. Some of them Ive been hanging out with. I havent been bullied by them so far.
As for the comments I already have talked to some higher up people and they're working with the group to be more open and less condenscending. (So far that is)!.

So with that being written thanks all for the advice!