Trouble coping with parenting

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Your first priority is to be absolutely sure that you are not hurting your son. I doubt you're hitting him or anything, but a meltdown can be scary to see, and your son may have a lot of trouble recovering from his tantrum when you aren't calm yourself.

If your son doesn't hurt himself during a tantrum, and is in a safe place, I suggest you leave the room. One year old is a little young for toddler tantrums, but if they're the sort that he's doing because he can't get his way and can't calm down, leaving and "ignoring" him would be best for both you and him. Just leave the room--for safety's sake you need to be quite nearby--but teaching him that tantrums don't work will be helpful.

I agree that you need help. You're a stressed parent with a one-year-old. Autism on top of that can send your stress level through the roof. Have you got family who can give you some time off? Do you work, and is your workplace relaxing enough so that you can unwind there?

Regarding that 80% statistic: Totally pulled out of thin air, and complete hogwash. Recent studies have shown no increase in divorce rate for people who have autistic children. People who have autistic children and later divorce often say that the autism was a factor in their divorce--but since they weren't at any greater risk to begin with, chances are that they would have pointed to some other stressful event as the cause of the divorce if their child had not been born autistic.

Psychology Today: "Do Couples Divorce because of Autism?"

You do sound like you need backup. Don't be ashamed of asking for help; you're a new mom and you shouldn't have to do this alone. It sounds like you can take care of the child's needs just fine--feed him, diaper him, cuddle him, play with him, comfort him when he's upset--but you are just getting too stressed out and going into sensory overload from the tantrums. Think of it like this: Say that instead of autism, you had migraines that were triggered by loud noise, and that when your child cried, you often ended up with a migraine. Would that make you a bad parent? No. It would just mean that you had to find a way to protect yourself from the noisy tantrums, while still ensuring that your child has the care he needs. People with disabilities can be parents--they can be great parents. You're no exception. You just have to find a way.

DO NOT FEEL BAD FOR PUTTING PRECIOUS BABY DOWN!! !! !! !! !

That's actually parenting advice they give you before you leave the hospital-- "This sweet, adorable little person is going to drive you slap nuts sometimes. Before you lose control, put the baby down and walk away." And they give that advice assuming they're talking to NT parents! Babies driving you buggy isn't something that only happens to Aspie parents-- NT moms and dads just hide it better.

If more people would accept that sometimes kids drive you crazy and that's just part of kids, we would have fewer dysfunctional families and fewer abused children.

Unless they're spending hours and hours and hours alone in their rooms everey week-- or being deposited there for really minor infractions-- it's not going to hurt them. Temple Grandin and Jennifer McIlwee Myers have, IRRC, both written about how being sent to their rooms alone was a huge part of how they learned to self-soothe-- one of those pot-of-gold skills for anyone on the spectrum.

My Dad sent me to my room often-- or just walked away from me when I was much older. It saved us both a lot of trouble. We had some epic fights-- imagine any teenaged girl and her single dad, and then multiply that by two undiagnosed Aspies all on their own-- but we always made up and worked it out. If he had any great failing as a parent, it was running a very egalitarian household so that I left home at 18 expecting the world to treat me with decency and respect so long as I did the same.

I do it with my kids-- I have four (DD11-NT, DS5-suspectedAS, DD3-suspectedAS, DD5mo-suspectedNT). They are all happy, healthy, well-cared-for, and reasonably well-adjusted. The only times I've ever come close to hurting them are the times I tell myself that AS means I can't be a mom and that I must be perfect or else. With the exception of my in-laws, everyone tells me what normal, happy, smart, well-behaved kids they are. I think they're turning out well-- not in spite of the fact that they don't have a mommy who can act happy all the time and look as if she is never bothered, but precisely BECAUSE of that fact.

And, yes, definitely ask for some backup. All parents need some backup, regardless of neurotype.

It's good for you to get a break. Helps you relax, regroup, and enjoy the little devil (angel, I mean angel!) more when you come back. Everyone needs a break from everything, lest it start to royally suck. More advice given to all parents.

Don't feel guilty about that, either-- tell yourself you are doing it for the kid. You will be a better parent. Besides that, he's getting to the age where, regardless of where he falls on the neurologic spectrum, he is going to benefit from being exposed to other people-- both other kids, and other adults in the absence of Mummy's presence.

I know, of my four kids, I think my oldest is turning out to be the most well-rounded and socially skillful. I credit a lot of that to the fact that she spent a lot of time around our friends and my family as a young child.

That and the fact that I started taking her to the park and expecting her to play on her own while I kept an eye on her from a bench at about 18 months of age. Kids can't learn social skills without experience-- and I really think they do better if they are let to sort of go at it on their own, to try things out and have watchful adults explain successes and failures as they come rather than hovering to make sure there are "no problems" in the first place.

We tried the hoverparent thing already. It didn't work out very well.

I understand exactly where you're coming from...I have a 4 year old, and it hasn't gotten any easier. I have a very difficult time coping with his behaviors and having patience. Currently the one that is driving me nuts is that he says he is scared every time I leave his bedroom...he wants me to stay with him constantly and I just can't do it. He also wants me to play with him all the time, and I'm not very good at that. He just hates being alone (the exact opposite of me). I get frustrated and today (I'm ashamed to admit) I yelled at him that he has to learn how to be by himself. He started crying and telling me that I was being mean, and I felt terrible. I don't want him to think I'm not there for him, but I really can't be there literally every second of the day. I feel relieved when I take him to preschool (at least you have that to look forward to), and then guilty that I feel relieved. It's terrible and I don't know how to deal with it.

Long story short, you're not alone.

I, and all three of my sons are on the spectrum. Life, when they were that age (the youngest is now 13 and the oldest is now 16), was at times, sheer hell.

We had respite and in home help recommended too. We tried it three times, and never did it again for a couple of different reasons.

First, some of the help were college students who allowed the kids to play in our bedroom. Needless to say, the kids got into everything they had no business getting into.

Second, we ended up with one older woman who literally contradicted their mother's instructions to the kids right in front of her.

Third, none of the people sent to us understood a thing about dealing with kids with Autism.

It was a waste of time, caused us both more stress, and several years later when we tried to get help again, but were offered nothing but respite, we just through out the letters from the agency.

I'm not saying not to try it. It just didn't work out for us. Just a word of warning. Be careful, and don't bother with it unless it really does help lower the stress.

What helped us a lot more was educating ourselves about autism as much as we possibly could. Accepting our kids for who they are was the single most important step.

Oh, and don't expect them to be like you. They're not.

...enlisting our neighbors as backups helped.
...so does separating yourself when you're overwhelmed
...and hiring enough help that you finish the day without running out of energy. This particularly helps because a regular babysitter will usually be willing to do emergency calls.
...there are probably government services that can help
...early daycare and preschool makes life a lot easier. If you're having trouble, don't scruple at ditching your children all day or half the day. Our son has been in daycare/preschool since a bit after his first birthday. As a result, he's really social - probably better than being with mom, all things considered.

--Argyle