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nrgandy
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15 Aug 2012, 4:41 pm

hi there guys, i have quite bad confidence when comes to talking to girls when im out mainly due to the way ive been treat by girls in the past.
currently im getting better from a accident but i want to really try to find someone when i can get out again any of you got any good tips to help boost my confidence?



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15 Aug 2012, 4:59 pm

What I've noticed is that when you are around women... they don't like a moment of awkward silence.
Ever heard of the term "breaking the ice"? Well if not... it just means that you have to be spontaneous and active by talking and possibly thinking of an activity that both enjoy.


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nrgandy
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15 Aug 2012, 5:24 pm

yeah supose i just have to get out there and get some practice in. a few times ive met girls and got on really well and i can tell there interested but i just seem to not make a move or ask for there number this i need to work on i think! is that normal for a aspie?



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15 Aug 2012, 6:20 pm

nrgandy wrote:
yeah supose i just have to get out there and get some practice in. a few times ive met girls and got on really well and i can tell there interested but i just seem to not make a move or ask for there number this i need to work on i think! is that normal for a aspie?

In all honesty, I don't think it's just aspies that are not able to do this.
I think shy NTs are the same. However to answer your question, a lot of us would be the same.


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nrgandy
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15 Aug 2012, 6:30 pm

thought it wasnt just me lol those situations happen when im real drunk so im going to drink less when im out and talk to more people and try my hardest hopefully i can find someone worth my time for a change.



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15 Aug 2012, 6:48 pm

nrgandy wrote:
thought it wasnt just me lol those situations happen when im real drunk so im going to drink less when im out and talk to more people and try my hardest hopefully i can find someone worth my time for a change.

If you drink to control your nerves, that's okay but don't go excessively...
Why do you feel as though some women aren't worth your time?
Also, there are other places you could try instead of just going out to pubs and clubs.


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15 Aug 2012, 6:50 pm

I think its important to note that faking confidence aparently doesnt work. And that having confidence alone isnt a guarantee of anything either.



nrgandy
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16 Aug 2012, 3:08 am

i mainly just drink to have a good time with my mates but i do supose it could be for nerves too.
well pretty much all the girls ive been with have cheated on me or messed me around i think ive been a bit too nice tbh.
i want a "nice girl" that isnt going to be out all the time looking for a new guy.
yeah ive been thinking about that im going to try to have a bit better social life as tbh it was pretty rubbish before my crash.
yeah im not trying to fake confidence as im not too bad its just the first step once im talking it goes quite well at times.



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16 Aug 2012, 8:25 am

nrgandy wrote:
yeah im not trying to fake confidence as im not too bad its just the first step once im talking it goes quite well at times.

Yeah, I'm like that as I noticed that I can converse well but that first initial words do feel like the decisive moment as to whether the female sees you as a lover, as a friend or as a nobody.
I do recommend one tip, act as though you lost something... works to at least start a conversation. ;)


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nrgandy
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16 Aug 2012, 9:07 am

thats a good one think i might use that cheers.
i think with a bit of practice and once i get back in shape my confidence should be better :)



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16 Aug 2012, 11:26 am

There are plenty of online groups that organize activities offline.
Find one that has some female members(shouldnt be too hard*) and try to become more comfortable talking to them.

Nobody is expecting you to get a partner out of this but this members are usually more open to talking to people than someone you meet on the street(they are there to talk) which should help becoming more comfortable talking to them.


*I have limited myself to one particular interest. This lead me to a group that met on Tuesdays, said group lead me to a similar group that met on Thursdays, said group lead me to a group that meets on Saturday nights... I used to say I cant pass on this because its once a week, now if Im tired I just find out where the next day group meets.



nrgandy
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16 Aug 2012, 1:28 pm

what kind of groups would you sugest?



spongy
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16 Aug 2012, 2:11 pm

nrgandy wrote:
what kind of groups would you sugest?

Whatever activity you are into.

Im into speaking in foreign languages for example.
There are plenty of groups with their own mindset/activities and Ive sticked to the ones Im more comfortable at.

Look up meetup groups on your area and see what pops up?



nrgandy
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16 Aug 2012, 2:23 pm

well i like going to the gym but there isnt much girls my age there im not into much else apart from going out drinking with friends. most things i like are more guy things hmm



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19 Aug 2012, 3:10 am

An interesting question, how to boost ones confidence when approaching and talking to women, and not easily answered... First I'd like to suggest that you think about what confidence is and how it is reflected in your behavior.

I think that confidence is having an unshakeable inner calm and sense of self that is not disturbed by outer influences. If you have those two qualities in your personality it will portray itself as confidence in both how you behave and speak. When you're calm it's easier to joke around and have a good time too.
I've had an inner calm beyond that of most normal people ever since early childhood when I realized I was different from those around me and that only my opinion about myself was what really mattered to me, because who knew me as well as I myself did? What other people thought or told me was only accepted as "truth" when I agreed with the thought, making it almost impossible for those that wanted to influence me in a negative way to have any impact on me as a person. This has made me able to feel secure in who I am and what I think about all sort of things, which I believe is the root to having an inner peace which shows as outer confidence.
Many women, from what I've seen, have the uncanny ability to pick up on the emotional state of the persons that they are interacting with, and if a woman is with someone that is calm and relaxed they will also feel calm. For example, my unflappability and inner calm is something I've heard many women say they find attractive in me. I think that is because if a woman cannot negatively influence the man she interacts with she will most likely see that as strength/confidence in the man and know that the man will not become flustered/shy/wimpy/afraid if an unknown "bad" situation occurs.
If you can have women feel good when they are around you they will naturally want to be with you again. This is something I think is key to getting a woman's number, mail or other contact information and most importantly their wish to meet you again.
I also think that anyone that is easily influenced by anything to a degree that makes them unable to handle their own inner emotional world can never truly feel confident.
I recommend doing some sort of meditation to find inner peace and to learn to know yourself, so that you can remake the things in your personality that does not benefit you.
Learning some things to get control over your own emotions will also be useful. For example, I almost always put a pause on feeling my emotions by thinking about why I feel what I feel when I feel it. This thought-process makes me more likely to not have feelings overwhelm me.

I actually didn't think this post would become this long, but I couldn't stop writing when I began thinking about confidence and its implications. I hope my semi-rant has something worthwhile in it for you.


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