Mild Case Versus Hard Work

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I think that, while I'd never claim to have severe autism, I've managed the degree to which I'm autistic so well by this point in my life that others mistake my hard work at learning to do things, working around what I can't do, and masking what I can't get around for having a much more mild case. If I can avoid it, I don't show them when I'm struggling. Most people don't see my meltdowns, and few would recognize a shutdown. To a certain extent, I can push meltdowns off when I feel them coming, until I'm in private, and even disguise a shutdown somewhat. I've fought very hard for this degree of self-control over the course of my lifetime. I don't put on big public displays. It's something I was highly pressured about as a child. As a result, people respond to my abilities and perceived abilities the way they think of my musical abilities - as something innate. I learn my drumming stuff in private, taking long periods of time to work very hard, then appear before others as though it was easy for me. They don't know what it takes. Likewise with my Aspie issues. So, they may assume I'm not having much trouble and am not having to try very hard. That's the doorway to people thinking of Asperger's as being used as an excuse for things, and I don't want to go there with people.

I feel the people around me haven't really known me as well as they've thought, and now this new diagnosis feels a bit tricky to navigate with, though I'm already being quite open about it. So far, so good, but I know from experience that things with other people can take unexpected and very sharp turns. I also don't always explain things very well, so I can have trouble because of that. (For example, anyone can be scared to go where they don't know anyone well and meet new people, but their reasons are different from mine. And my reasons also make it almost as difficult to go by myself to be with people I've known for years. But I somehow couldn't get all that out in a recent conversation, so nobody understood what I was talking about and why I found anything notable about my anxiety over attending a recent gathering.)

I know others have dealt with this. Anyone want to comment on their experience? I guess I'm feeling the need for a bit of camaraderie in this matter right now.

I don't get it.
You're different. NTs don't understand you. That's obvious.

I can completely relate. Those who don't know me that well tell me I don't have it (and then follow up with "What is Asperger's?" Ummm didn't you just claim I don't have it??), and those who know me well believe it but still don't totally grasp all the aspects of it or how hard it is and how hard I have worked on it my whole Life

Feels exactly the same OP. I remember when I first got into guitar and progressed incredibly fast...I'd go into Guitar Center and when people asked me how long I'd been playing and I'd say a year or whatever it was, they'd remark how lucky I was to be so gifted when in reality, I was utterly obsessed and spent six to eight hours a day playing repetitive patterns and working on technique because it was so mentally soothing. I also feel like I've learned how to 'put on a happy face' exceptionally well...even in times of extreme emotional duress; I think for a lot of us with these symptoms, our childhood experiences (wherein a lot of our unusual behaviors were repeatedly condemned), has led to serious control issues (read: control freak, in my case ).

Yes, WindTree, I know the happy face, and the I'm fine faces well, but they can be hard to maintain at times. I can't stand having to "fake" feelings I don't feel, just to keep others from getting bent out of shape. Unfortunately, family is the biggest problem, as I can't simply cut them off. I am using part of my SSI benefits to rent a trailer from my parents, at the local minimum rent rate. There is no way I could find a decent place of my own on what I get from SSI. The rate I am paying on a 2 bedroom, eat-in-kitchen, living room, full bath, laundry alcove, and porch, trailer, is just barely what you would pay for a room with a shared bath, and maybe a shared kitchen (maybe no use of kitchen), in northeast USA. Because of my IBS, I need my own bath. Because of IBS and other health issues, I have a very irregular sleep/wake cycle, and need to eat my meals at weird times, so I need to live alone, not in a room in someone's house. This trailer was the only good option. One rented from non relatives would cost more than I could afford, so I am stuck with having to make happy faces, and I'm fine faces, and pretending my feelings in the presence of relatives. You can't dis your parent's if they are your landlord.

They don't deliberately try to upset me, but they don't understand Asperger's, and think it can be "fixed." It is an incurable neurological condition that I have had since birth, and have had to deal with for well over 50 years. You'd think that they would have figured out by now, that if I haven't gotten fixed in more than half a century of life, it ain't gonna happen. However, they think it's my fault that I am not fixed--that I just don't try hard enough, or do anything to "fix" myself. It takes all my meager energy just to keep from being in a constant state of freak out. I have no energy left to retry any methods that I tried when I was younger, that didn't work then, and won't work now, either. I also resent being blamed for an incurable condition that was present from birth.

Because of my situation I can't cut off relatives, and they don't really deserver it, but I do minimize contact as much as possible to keep sane and to keep freak outs to a minimum.

I wish I had been one of the ones who was able to learn how to mask my condition better, but I am stuck with myself as I am, and with what I have to put up with from relatives. Bummer.

I think that what you're experiencing is a natural response to being confronted with a new diagnosis. You're realizing how your tendencies and behaviors make sense, but you're also realizing and separating your natural ways of being from the unnatural. It sounds like you've been pushing yourself quite a lot, and it's important to be mindful of this and try to pace yourself a bit.

I can definitely relate. I push myself really hard in social situations: it's as if there's an internal monologue running in my head with the "right" ways to speak and act that controls how I function around people that aren't my family. Around my family, I push myself much less as they are used to my behaviors and quirks. This "pacing" of my social front allows myself time to be myself and to regenerate, and now that I've realized that taking breaks is important and that I can't necessarily be "on" all the time, I've been able to ward off meltdowns easier.

As for not explaining things well while talking, I've noticed that most people on the spectrum have trouble with this, and that they are much more articulate when things are written down. Perhaps you could write a letter to your friends explaining the reasons for some of your anxieties.

I'm not on the spectrum, but I fully understand where you are coming from. A similar thing happens with kids who have learned to compensate. I feel like people unfairly judge my daughter when her signs/symptoms of autism show through, rather than feel impressed by how well she usually does. No one understands that every minute of the day that she "passes" she is working hard to do so. And most parents do not understand the amount of "work" that I have to do. Not that I am trying to take credit for her amazing abilities. But we do a lot of prep work and social skills work that I know parents of typpies never even have to think about.

I am trying to teach my kids that other people's lack of understanding does not diminish the things they have accomplished, nor does it change how proud I am of them. I think you can remember the same: other people's ignorance does not change your experience nor how hard you've worked.

Sooo... square peg met round hole, got hammered through the round hole and now looks enough like a round peg that all the other round pegs think it's just a cool round peg with hipster splitery edges, but in reality it's really just a square peg with busted up edges who has worked pretty hard to get through that ****ing round hole?

I feel ya.

I think, questor, that I'd fare far worse if I had to deal with all that you do. I'd be near freak-out all the time, too, for sure.

I've loved these posts!! ! Thanks for so many cool comments. (Also, InThisTogether, thanks for reminding me of how cool some parents can be!)

I feel as though the corners were burned off to make me appear round. Burned by friends, burned in employment prospects, burned in bands, burned in relationships. Most of how I 'pass' is the result of not wanting things to happen to me a second or a third time. A lot of time and tears invested in learning to not throw in my lot with the flakes

In continuing with the common theme in the thread and tying in with the classic squander of talent among this crowd, I spent as many waking hours as I could learning guitar only to be asked to play the bass for groups below my skills and maturity level

Since I've as good as replaced my musical obsession with small-bore motorbikes I've been able to become somewhat more in-demand to the point where most will just let me do my job , judging by my work rather than whether I'm 'dressed for the part' or have the 'right look'

For myself, the best motivation for me to "pass" was the undesired consequences unusual behavior would be met with. My family's parochial religious views allowed me to learn quite early that I was to act "normal" so as to not bring shame upon the family name.