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Blue Jay
Blue Jay

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Joined: 11 Aug 2012
Age: 45
Gender: Female
Posts: 99

26 Aug 2012, 7:09 pm

I've felt very confused and off balance for the last few days... I suppose it will take me some time to really make sense of it all... Thank you Musicforanna for kind words... I remember, when I was ten years old, a teacher asked us to write what our most important value was... I wrote that you should love people for what they are, not for what you wish they'd be... As a mother myself, I put a lot of emphasis on the fact that the quality of my relationship with my children is my responsibility, not theirs. I am the adult, not them. So no, I don't blame myself for the fact that, from my (blind? 8O) point of view, my mother couldn't love me.

As for my status... I decided to change it for "self-diagnosed". I've read all I could read on the subject for the last two weeks, and it just makes too much sense of my entire life. It is connecting too many dots. Even insignificant ones, like the fact that I am a synesthete, that I am ambidextrous, that I have a photographic memory, that I can remember moments from when I was a baby or a toddler... Also, I've been observing myself in the past week. In a crowd, noisy, sunny... Tapping a beat with left foot while tapping eight subdivisions with my right hand and counting three subdivisions in my head... Hem... That and a lot of other small things... Also, I told a couple of close friends who didn't think it was too far-fetched... Also, I told my sister who immediately jumped at the conclusion that, yes, it made sense. To her, it's obvious that I'm a bit awkward in social events, and that I'm not very good at understanding non-verbal cues. 8O

I hope I will get back on my feet fast... For now, I feel like I'm dissolving... I can't cope with what I have to do in my day to day life. And at other moments, I'm just happy because there are things that I understand better. I know that I probably don't look like an aspie... I don't have social phobia, although I think I was on a fast track to developing one... I think some "philosophical" choices I made in my young adult age partly saved me from depression and paranoia... It's so easy and understandable to become paranoid when you don't understand people's motivations, and when you are rejected for no apparent reason... I just decided to assume that others must be as clueless as I was about what was going on in other people's heads, and that there was no point to presume the worse in them. Also decided that, given the fact that we are all humans and basically built the same way, most people had to be a lot like me (to think that I may have been wrong on that one 8O... ). That it was best, and more productive, to trust and love, freely. It must seem terribly naive. And I have been betrayed. But not by all. Also, I think I'm lucky enough to have a great aptitude for joy. Just admiring the world fills me with pure, extatic joy. That's something. And now I kind of think that it might be an aspie-related thing... So, I don't resent being who I am.

Thank to all of you who helped me thinking... I've been reading posts here and there... Also, while I was researching the subject, this web site kept popping on google. And I think I can find people that I'll like here. So I'll stick around. And hopefully, once I've "processed" it all, go back to be my usual happy (aspie?) self.