AS Husband Really Needs Advice

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Dear Wrong-Planet,
I found out about you through an on-line article regarding Asperger. I am hoping someone can give me some advice as I am getting quite desperate.
I am a guy in late 30s who has been in a relationship for 10 years and married for 6. I have suspected for 18 months that I have AS and had been referred by my GP for a diagnosis. Trouble was, before I made it to the top of the queue I successfully obtained my dream job overseas.
Although the job and lifestyle are on the face of it ideal, the changes to life have put me back into my AS shell and left my wife feeling completely unsupported. This is by far not he first time I have done this to her but it has really brought our marriage to its knees in that she is now threatening to leave me and go back to the UK.
I love her very much (although am hopeless at showing it) and want to try and get support so that I can support her properly.
One of my main problems is that I am not aware that I am in my shell when I am there. I don’t even take hints from my wife that she feels unsupported. It is only when she threatens to leave that I “wake up” and become self-aware. I then realise that I have been in my own world and not even happy there. My wife is so sweet and does so much for me that I really want to reciprocate and show her love back, in line with my wedding vows.
It is really clear to me now that I cannot manage my conditon without external support (professional and non-professional). I hope I have not left it too late to get support.
I have drawn up and action plan for what I am going to do to try and stop myself drifting. I want to share it with you to get any comments:
1. Get a private diagnosis ASAP. No more delays. Whether I can do this locally or have to go back to the UK.
2. Start seeing a counsellor. We tried couples counselling before but son after we finished I reverted to type. I will need long-term intervention, not a short course of sessions.
3. I have a good realtionship with my father-in-law and have asked him if I can check in weekly by phone to see how I am going and whether I am slipping into lack of support. My own family deny the existence of AS.
4. Read the books I have on AS.
5. Print on-line articles on AS and create a resource file.
6. Sounds stupid, but set up daily reminders on smart phone to check in with my wife. I am beyond worrying what sounds stupid, to be honest, and will try anything.
First 3 are really important, as I can promise to do the rest but may slip into "I'm all right" mode.
Any thoughts/suggestions, please?

Your wife should know to deal with you by telling you directly how she feels instead of dropping hints, then threatening to leave when you don't pick them up.

I have reminders in my calendar for everything I need to do, after a while they become routine, but I like to leave them in my Outlook just so I can keep them in my mind; also seeing the reminder becomes comforting to me for some reason.

I have reminders when I should make my call to the parents during the week (granted I have staggered days based on what number week of the month (1st week I call on Monday, 2nd on Thur, 3rd on Tue, and 4th on Friday). I am sure they know I have a schedule, but I can still feign I am being spontaneous if I stagger it.

I would say set up the reminders, just basic "Hello, i love you calls" go a long way.

@ comatt1: Great support, thank you.

@ starkid: point taken, but I think it is more me being in my shell and in 20-20 hindsight the hints were very heavy.

I have made sure to communicate with my wife that she has to tell me what she is thinking and I will tell her what is going on with me. I reserve the right to answer her question with "I am processing too much now, I will get back to you." That way she knows I am not blowing her off, I just can't get on that train of thought at the moment. Great example: My Jeep is intermittantly not starting, we are headed to pick it up from the mechanics where, of course, it is starting fine. On the way she asks me which of the six teas we tried today I like the best. I told her, I can't even remember their names, I am planning what to do with my Jeep, we can talk about it later. She said OK, sorry. Then when we got home we went over the teas and she got her answer. If you can get across what you feel like, and she works with you, its all gravy. My wife can also tell me she needs attention, if I am working on a project and have my head down in the bits, she gives me time to engage my social and then we hang out and do something she wants to do. It is all about understanding each other. I learn how to react to her when she is complaining about work, I don't try to fix it, I listen and hand her chocolate;)

I think an important thing for spouses to realize is that it's difficult for an Aspies to switch gears right away. For example, if you are busy working on something and your spouse wants attention/a job done/etc. right away, it's very difficult to get your head out of what you are doing "right away." A good strategy is for your spouse to say something like, "Hey, can we (whatever activity/need) in half an hour/an hour/etc.?" This gives one time to wind down what you're doing and get into a different frame of mind.

I know that for myself, I just can't make a sudden change. I'm much better when given a certain time frame to work with. I also find it difficult to "multi-thought" and prefer to take care of one thing before having to think about something else, especially if a decision is required. When I'm processing one thing, please don't give me another thing to process.

Mechman, does your wife know you have AS? I'm asking because as a NT wife to an AS husband, I can tell you it took me awhile to grasp AS and what I could do to help the situation. In my opinion, in an AS linked marriage BOTH people have to be mindful of the AS pretty much all the time, but it's worth it. So while you are adjusting to your new routine and life I HIGHLY recommend this book FOR YOUR WIFE:

Aspergers and Long Term Relationships by Ashly Standford. (you can find it on Amazon)

Your wife is using "hints", and what she needs to use are DIRECT WORDS, imo... trust me on the above book! It's for the NT spouse, written by an NT spouse, and it is the best book I have ever read on AS that helped ME, and in turn my AS husband.

Good luck, your strong desire to better the situation is admirable.

Thanks for the replies. I probably should have been clearer in the original posting that in hindsight my wife was giving me more than "hints".

Make number 6 your Number 1. She may complain, but she will miss it if you don't. So on this item DO NOT listen to her complaints just smile and nod. It is Silly yes, but she will appreciate it.

@ Adventus: Fully agree, thank you!

@ PK212: Thank you - yes, my wife is aware that I have AS (or could have as undiagnosed, but highly likely). She suggested the possibility in the first place but like a doofus I thought I could sort it out without assistance.


Good news is that I have had an offer of a diagnosis locally in English, which will be a great help.

@ Adventus: Fully agree, thank you!

@ PK212: Thank you - yes, my wife is aware that I have AS (or could have as undiagnosed, but highly likely). She suggested the possibility in the first place but like a doofus I thought I could sort it out without assistance.


Good news is that I have had an offer of a diagnosis locally in English, which will be a great help.

I agree your wife need to tell you in words straight out if she is having problems with certain things, we just dont pick up on little hints. I still have trouble with people doing that and I tell them to just please tell me straight up. If its something I need to do etc, I need to make a note for myself so I dont forget as well. Another thing is I have trouble with CAPD (central auditory processing disorder), so I cant filter out background noises very well..so if someone needs me to do something or is trying to communicate something inportant I may not hear them...its all like a white noise of sorts (or if Im hyperfocused on something, I wont hear what people are saying well either...they need to get my attention.) But trying to get people to understand this and not blame me for just being a b@#$# because I just choose not to listen is not fair...dealing with this is not fun. Anyways.. I wish you the best with your wife. I got that book for relationships and set it on a table in the living room and mentioned a few times for my fiance to look it over if he can, but he still hasnt really for months. He said he doesnt like to read up on medical stuff really and I cant keep drilling him on things to understand or a bomb goes off. Forget telling him I think he doesnt understand my disabilities... that will set in into hyper drive and say that he does but hes sick of hearing about it all the time (I cant push it anymore or our relationship will go south for good im sure.)

Good luck with everything!

DragonFlyWalker, thanks for the post. Regarding your fiance, I wonder how he would feel and react if you had a physical disability? I don't see why AS should be treated any differently.

Hi,

I hear very clearly here also that you see as the only alternative to change yourself. This isn't a fast thing.

And then she also has to understand that it is not only you that has to work on it, but also her.
She has to a certain extend accept you the way you are.
Is the job very stressful for you? That could also quite have an effect on your ability to do something.



This is so well known to me and soo typical. That is really evil and mean type of threat. Maybe you should make her very clear what that would mean for her also.
This kind of threatening but never wanting it for real. Typical desperate woman.
"Do something but I dont tell you what"
Would that be pleasant for her if you would threaten her every now and then to leave? No.

You have to feel yourself comfortably as well. Not only her, her, her. Typical NT mistake to demand NT kind of behaviour.
And typical aspie mistake to blame only yourself.
That you put all the blame and work to you doesnt work out (or only to some extend).

How can you trust somebody that threatens you? That just makes everything worse and you feel like in hell and inappropriately dealt with. And probably you are right.
She should learn how to influence you without putting you into a bad feeling state. That other method just makes you feel further away.

Then (in my previous relationship) I used to sometimes even feel like I would tilt
And NTs can also get very very angry and tilt out as well. Just as inappropriate as your behaviour

From my experience I would also say that it could be that you are quite dependent on her. And that would make her feel bad as well.
Explain about your anxiety that rises when she threatens you. Like you wouldnt know what to do if you would have to leave and what kind of stress and unpleasant feeling this induces in you.

When she threatens you, something happens. For her this seems like a method to get that what she wants. But this is really weird.
And how to support or love somebody that does these kind of assaults?
Usually NTs dont have even any smallest clue about what kind of stress we are in. My ex even suspected me to have some secret relationships because I was long time on my job. And she got mad when there were some job related parties. So I felt like I couldnt be there as I would normally.
No normal contacts to my working place colleagues. No real friends there.

And now she tells me she feels lonely. And I get really angry, because she has no idea how it is to be almost completely without social contacts and all those AS things on top.

Yeah, I feel really pitty for her that she cant always see her only about 15-20 friends. grrr
When I told her(when we were still together) that she has very many friends compared to me she just said that I have my working colleagues, whereas she worked at home(Well that is not my fault, why should I have worse contact to my working colleagues because of that?).
She was even going out more often to see her friends.

All these kind of weird things can become normal if you dont learn to understand each other. And there is two of you, not only you that has to change.
And be careful to not become too dependent on her.
Say her that you take her threads seriously
or do something that shows that you are in principle independent of her. Somebody that you cant play with. Somebody that is equal.
Somebody that expects also some understanding from her side.
Somebody that can also threaten to leave, or take the threat literally and go.

You have a big advantage that you know that you have AS. Make use of it and get some information. I think somebody showed some picture from a book that was quite well describing the problems of NT aspie relationships

Well maybe i exagerated a bit
But the expectations that you change because you are the not normal guy is as wrong as you to expect that she would change only.
Both have to do something.

There is no sense in giving up yourself to be like somebody that you dont want to be in the first place. You will change because you do this for her. But thats a slow process.
And that is real learning, changes yourself without putting some ready made mask over you. Something real and pleasant

These comment I derived from my experiences with my previous relationship (9 years). And this is just my opinion, there might be something wrong and something right.

good thread


ok. I'm Aspie, been married 26 years, 4 children, marriage currently very good.

My advice;

1. realise deep inside she does want to love you. she does value the relationship. (check out e.g. http://www.thefemininewoman.com/ for how NT women are inside (spoiler; very, very different from us lol!); sign up to the email list to get regular reminders)

2. do loving actions. This may feel like 'going through the motions' to you, but it is real to her; the act of loving is an act (not a feeling)

- take her out on a date once every week. even if you don't talk about much (just ask about how her friends her, what's going on, plan Christmas etc) she will feel loved.

- support her in her interests e.g. drive her to the antiques centre; you can sit outside and read a book (you probably don't need to go in); she will still feel loved.

- spend time with her. e.g. walk the dog together every day. She needs time together interacting, talking

- you have very limited social capacity. If you have other big social loads, reduce them. e.g. maybe cut out some friend meetings, drinks after work etc.. You need to focus your resources on her.

- ask her for things; she loves to give; e.g. say you love a new favourite food, and be surprised when she dishes it up for you.

- do things she needs fast and well; e.g. when she mentions you never wash up, set yourself a diary reminder and wash up every day. When she mentions the fridge is broken, get on to getting it fixed or replaced straight away.

- let her love you. It's really nice being loved by a woman. and she wants to love you.

- be clear on what are her areas and what are yours. Never interfere in her areas. Never comment on her weight or diet. If she does holidays, let her do holidays. Etc etc.


In other words taking actions, acting to a programme and structure (something we can do), can get this job done.

Let us know how it goes!
unlearningasperger.blogspot.co.uk

Many thanks, JCJC777, I think there are some really insightful thoughts thoughts and good practical ideas there.

I guess if there was one thing that is slightly different in my experience it is that my wife complains about me separating areas and tasks into "his and hers". She would prefer to do more together. But I think that is part of finding my way in our own situation.