Do other Aspie girls ask guys out?

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saraip
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06 Nov 2012, 1:43 am

Well, I've really enjoyed hearing your points of view - you have opened up a lot of new things for me to consider! It's been great to have someone openly share a lot of things that some AS sufferers try and avoid entirely, and I certainly think you'll be successful in the dating game!! I might not agree with all of your views (I do agree with some of them though), but I think it is also good for other followers to get an all round perspective - and yours was very well stated. Great chat.

On the other hand, I can't wait to check back with you once I've read "Asperger meets girl" to get some more new insights - and plus, my views may change when I actually start actively dating. It's all part of the fun :D

Good luck to you too!!



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06 Nov 2012, 2:21 am

I think part of the issue might be location. NTs might got to clubs, bars, and other social gathering places with the sole intention of meeting someone. The mere fact that the girls are there, dolled up, means that NT guys are likely to interact with them. I don't know whether it's all male aspies or just me, but I am no more, if not a little less likely, to converse with strangers in this setting. But even some NTs need the social lubricant.

What I'm saying is that there are places that are generally understood to be places where one might find a partner. In these places, people might even expect interaction. If you ask in the wrong place or at the wrong time, your chances of success are lower (I'm guessing purely statistically).

If a girl started talking to a guy at a coffee place, I think we all agree this is not outside the realms of the normal. If she did it at a cricket match or on the tube, she might get a less enthusiastic response.

These locational variables may not be considered by someone with AS, so they are literally looking for love in all the wrong places.



saraip
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06 Nov 2012, 2:27 am

LOL - trying to talk to a guy during a cricket game or during a football match = amusing mental image :)
Sorry for stereotyping, but you do make a good point!



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06 Nov 2012, 2:43 am

Funnily enough that precise sentiment is addressed in Asperger meets girl MisterSpock.

The writer of the book states that clubs/bars might not be the ideal places for aspies to meet new people as they are generally crowded/loud and, as you said, a certain form of social (NT) conduct is expected there.
I personally don't really have an opinion either way and believe 'love' can happen anywhere and any time but I dó believe it is true that people at a bar/club might be more in the mindset of 'meeting new people' than as you mentioned the tube or a cricket match. Whether this is true or not is debatable and in the worst case it just means there is an extra 'hurdle' to overcome; nothing dealbreaking per se.


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CrazyStarlightRedux
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06 Nov 2012, 8:57 am

Go to a library, there's some inspiration of how you can meet like minded people most of the time.


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WantToHaveALife
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07 Nov 2012, 4:30 pm

if only more did so



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09 Nov 2012, 4:36 pm

AyporosFM wrote:
Relationship Space:
Whenever you are engaged in communication with someone there is a relationship space that is active between you which decides for the most part how the communication will progress.
This 'relationship space' can be summed up by 4 values. X1, X2, Y1, Y2.
1 stands for you, 2 stands for her.
X represents the role played by one person in the imagination of another. A larger role is represented by a higher
value for X. If she can’t stop thinking about you, then that’s
a very high value of X2.
Y represents the immediate presence of one person to
another’s attention. Y can increase as you stand closer to
someone. It can also be increased by what you say and the
way that you say it. For example, if you say something
important which demands a response then this increases Y2.
The same applies to X1 and Y1 but from her point of view.

So the courtship ritual (defined in the model of relationship spaces) involves nothing more than trying to increase both X2 and Y2.
The cravat however is that you do not want to increase Y2 too fast as to overwhelm your X2 value. If you get too close to her liking or ask a way too personal question (forcing Y2 way up) she WILL back off to lower her Y2 and this will probably have a negative effect on your X2! The skill is thus in firstly trying to ramp up your X2 value (get her to like you/think about you/concentrate on you) BEFORE you try ramping up your Y2 (getting closer to her, asking her more personal questions, imposing on her or telling her that story about your latest accomplishment at work)


Would you please rephrase the X1 X2 thing for me? I don't get what you mean by the Y values. Maybe it's just that my brain deals better with names. Thanks!



AyporosFM
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10 Nov 2012, 3:24 am

smudge wrote:
AyporosFM wrote:
Relationship Space:
Whenever you are engaged in communication with someone there is a relationship space that is active between you which decides for the most part how the communication will progress.
This 'relationship space' can be summed up by 4 values. X1, X2, Y1, Y2.
1 stands for you, 2 stands for her.
X represents the role played by one person in the imagination of another. A larger role is represented by a higher
value for X. If she can’t stop thinking about you, then that’s
a very high value of X2.
Y represents the immediate presence of one person to
another’s attention. Y can increase as you stand closer to
someone. It can also be increased by what you say and the
way that you say it. For example, if you say something
important which demands a response then this increases Y2.
The same applies to X1 and Y1 but from her point of view.

So the courtship ritual (defined in the model of relationship spaces) involves nothing more than trying to increase both X2 and Y2.
The cravat however is that you do not want to increase Y2 too fast as to overwhelm your X2 value. If you get too close to her liking or ask a way too personal question (forcing Y2 way up) she WILL back off to lower her Y2 and this will probably have a negative effect on your X2! The skill is thus in firstly trying to ramp up your X2 value (get her to like you/think about you/concentrate on you) BEFORE you try ramping up your Y2 (getting closer to her, asking her more personal questions, imposing on her or telling her that story about your latest accomplishment at work)


Would you please rephrase the X1 X2 thing for me? I don't get what you mean by the Y values. Maybe it's just that my brain deals better with names. Thanks!



Sure. What I meant to say is that the relationship space is defined by 4 vectors, 2 for each participant (i.e. YOU and HER/HIM)
X1 = what you think of her (like/omghotttt/interested/sexy..etc); how much you are paying atttention to her
Y1 = how immediate she is to your attention (is she standing right in front of you/looking at you/waving at you)
X2 = what she thinks of you
Y2 = how immediate you are to her

It might seem like Y1 and Y2 come down to the same thing but that isn't true. You can have a higher Y2 than Y1 simply by you staring at her but her not staring at you/looking away (for instance).

As I mentioned earlier though to get a proper understanding I highly recommend you read the book Asperger meets girl.


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lazamb_girl
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10 Nov 2012, 3:43 am

saraip wrote:
I was writing to a friend this morning and it occurred to me that I have always asked loads of guys out - only one ever said yes though! :)

The reason I ask is because most NT girls are horrified at the thought of asking a guy out. I'm not a pretty or a girly girl at all - I think I may come across as quite asexual, but when I have a crush on a guy, I have no problem telling him or asking him out. I wonder if this might be something that other Aspie girls do?

In any case, the response is usually very negative - in most cases, guys seem to get very uncomfortable and freaked out - mostly because they don't like me and I think they feel uncomfortable having to tell me that they don't like me - I don't actually know. On the other hand, I prefer to get what I'm thinking off my chest - I find it incredibly uncomfortable and unpleasant to have feelings for someone but have to keep them hidden - in fact, I find it ridiculous - I would rather be rejected and be able to get on with my life than pine for someone who does not reciprocate. In the case where the guy said yes, the relationship was pretty crap - I wonder if that had something to do with it? Who knows... thoughts, opnions, feedback?


Yes. I think a lot before doing it..as to if the guy is worth it and all. Usually I reject him already during this thought process itself. But I have done it once. Well the guy had issues committing/getting close to anyone. and he said no in a very nice way that made me like him more. But getting it off my chest was a HUGE relief!


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12 Nov 2012, 2:01 am

Yes I do ask guys out but rarely guys I know in person. Typically off of dating sites, I have more confidence. In person, my confidence drops drastically. I went through a phase where I was asking out tons of guys, most said yes. Well none worked out...err. I came stopped the online dating thing out of fustration. I've resumed the online dating thing however my approach is a lot less aggressive. I tried to tone it down. Once I figured out how to date. It was hard to not jump at things cause I'd rather be the one doing the chasing then being the one chased. Heres the thing, if a guy has to I guess "chase" me then normally I'm not that interested. When you run into those situations of being chased and the guy just thinks your playing hard to get, its annoying.



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12 Nov 2012, 7:40 pm

f**k gender roles!



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14 Nov 2012, 3:21 pm

I wouldn´t dare.



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15 Nov 2012, 10:55 am

I've "asked out" (or been the first to confess attraction to or whatever else you want to call it) almost every guy I've ever liked. Which is about .. uh.. 6 people?


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18 Nov 2012, 3:19 pm

I DO ask guys out. And I read this wonderful book about dating rules called "Dating Mr Darcy", in which is clearly stated that a girl should not ask a guy out, but merely give him a nod, wink or other encouraging sign to approach to her.

The author says that most guys in general love the phase of hunting. If you rob Him of it, He will feel LESS agitated and motivated in dating you.

A guy needs to have the feeling that you are hard to get, even if you are not. He must think that he is the hunter. Because if he must hunt for something and if it is not easy to get, then it is a sign for him it has a WORTH and that it is worth fighting for it.

The author also says that you should not play hard to get or be slu*ty. Just progress slowly. That´s what she says.


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18 Nov 2012, 3:45 pm

SoftKitty wrote:
I DO ask guys out. And I read this wonderful book about dating rules called "Dating Mr Darcy", in which is clearly stated that a girl should not ask a guy out, but merely give him a nod, wink or other encouraging sign to approach to her.

The author says that most guys in general love the phase of hunting. If you rob Him of it, He will feel LESS agitated and motivated in dating you.

A guy needs to have the feeling that you are hard to get, even if you are not. He must think that he is the hunter. Because if he must hunt for something and if it is not easy to get, then it is a sign for him it has a WORTH and that it is worth fighting for it.

The author also says that you should not play hard to get or be slu*ty. Just progress slowly. That´s what she says.


Sounds like a pretty stupid author to me. To say that it is the same for every single male out there is really absurd. Besides that, it only encourages objectifying women even more so than they have been. Maybe it's like that more often for NTs, or even some with AS, but I really don't see the point of this "hunting" thing. You should not look at someone else as a prize or put them on a pedestal or say that any one person has more or less worth than another. That kind of thinking is very ugly and selfish and shallow to me.


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18 Nov 2012, 4:08 pm

Boxman108 wrote:
SoftKitty wrote:
I DO ask guys out. And I read this wonderful book about dating rules called "Dating Mr Darcy", in which is clearly stated that a girl should not ask a guy out, but merely give him a nod, wink or other encouraging sign to approach to her.

The author says that most guys in general love the phase of hunting. If you rob Him of it, He will feel LESS agitated and motivated in dating you.

A guy needs to have the feeling that you are hard to get, even if you are not. He must think that he is the hunter. Because if he must hunt for something and if it is not easy to get, then it is a sign for him it has a WORTH and that it is worth fighting for it.

The author also says that you should not play hard to get or be slu*ty. Just progress slowly. That´s what she says.


Sounds like a pretty stupid author to me. To say that it is the same for every single male out there is really absurd. Besides that, it only encourages objectifying women even more so than they have been. Maybe it's like that more often for NTs, or even some with AS, but I really don't see the point of this "hunting" thing. You should not look at someone else as a prize or put them on a pedestal or say that any one person has more or less worth than another. That kind of thinking is very ugly and selfish and shallow to me.


funny that i read the same exact thing softkitty posted, but from the perspective of the opposite sex

they keep trying to offer advice for how to make one's self more appealing to the other sex because someone is trying to get a date from a person they believe to be of better quality. which means nothing for people who are looking for a realistic companion for a relationship and not a bar hookup

the whole concept is the same as achievement points in video games. their goal is to let you brag to others about getting the really tough achievements. i just want to beat the game and get on with life.