I'm changing this up a bit. I originally asked for verification as to whether or not I could possibly be an Aspie, but after doing some reading, I honestly think that I am. Here's why:
Social isolation: I do not get along with people very well. These days I avoid people because I'm tired of being hurt by their rejection. My childhood peers gleefully remember me as "weird". I was always on the outside looking in. There have been plenty of situations in which I said or did something that others felt was "too much information". I never intended to gross anyone out or make anyone uncomfortable, I just don't see the point in hiding from people. They're just people. They probably dislike me anyway. I have not really found anyone who sees me on a deep level and who accepts me. My husband tolerates me, my mom is afraid I'll kill her one day (she was abusive), and my brother just makes light of everything. The rest of my family avoids me. My ten-year reunion would have been a disaster if not for two close friends. All of the stares and side-eyes were unnerving. I literally have a peer who went around sneering because I tried to contact him. I remembered him as someone who had been kind to me in the midst of all that bullying and taunting. Well apparently he lost his good nature over the years, and is as much of a snob as some of the people I grew up with.
Injury: I have a ridiculously high tolerance for pain, and as a result I need ridiculously strong pain medicine when I am in pain. Tylenol is like taking M&Ms for a headache. And I'm constantly scratched and bruised, and have no idea how I got that way. I used to do my nails until I kept breaking them within a day of getting them done. I use my hands, I move my hands. I do not need to decorate my hands.
I have an extensive vocabulary. I do not hesitate to use it. Sometimes I speak like I'm in Regency England. Blame it on the stuff I read. Yes, I will tell you that something is "beyond the pale", and if you don't know what that means, look it up. It's just easier to say one word than six to make the same point. I often get told that I sound conceited, and act like I'm superior to others. But I don't feel this way at all. Yet no matter how hard I try, I cannot convince people of this. So I stopped trying. I have had people tell me to act like I'm dumb to make those around me feel better. But do they act kind to make me feel better?
I often get edgy after a day of a lot of sensory input. If I cannot get a break, I get angry. If people keep pushing me, I lose my temper. I have a son who is autistic, and there are often times when I just can't handle him anymore or talk to my husband. My son is nicknamed "Spider Baby", and his current fad is climbing the dressers and kitchen counters. When I'm overwhelmed, I shut myself in the bathroom, take a bath and listen to some music. Sometimes I just need it to be empty and silent. My batteries deplete very easily. Sometimes the only way to shut my mind off so that I don't get physically sick is to do something with my hands. I read a lot to shut things out. That's been my coping mechanism since my stroke. When I was working, I had to come home and mentally detox after a day of dealing with colleagues. And I often didn't last long at a job because I couldn't handle the different personalities and politics. I often get the feeling when dealing with NT people that they are laughing at me, and I just want to move away from them. One-on-one interaction is okay if I give the okay for it, but do not knock on my door without telling me you're coming over, do not expect me to interact with you for long if you take me by surprise.
I am scared very easily. Even when I know someone is coming. It sucks. My mom walks like a cat, and she used to scare me in the kitchen every other night when I lived with her.
My hobbies are considered strange by most people. Which to me is stupid. What's wrong with cross stitching? So I like Tudor History and the Renaissance. Or European history in general. Why is that wrong? Would it be more acceptable for me to be addicted to Jersey Shore episodes? I only watch a few TV shows, and I mainly read. My husband has to literally schedule me out with the few friends that I have, because otherwise I won't go out.
I think I have perfect pitch. I sang in my youth, and still love music. I can tell you by listening to a remake of a song if it's in the same key that the first song was in. I can tell when I have ear infections, because the key of music is different in the infected ear. My cell phone and nook chargers emit a very high pitched sound, that I can hear even if the TV is on. I can hear it with earplugs in as well. It's annoying.
I have food phobias. People who are food critics freak me out. I just cannot imagine putting something I've never tasted before into my mouth. I hate going to someone else's house for dinner, because you always want to be polite, but sometimes people do strange things with their cooking. And I find myself gagging down their meal with a smile on my face. When I eat at other people's houses, I usually leave hungry. When I was a child, I could not be fed near the kitchen, because the smell of the food would make me sick. Strong smells make me sick, especially strong sweet smells. If the colors of the food on the plate do not coordinate, I will not eat it. If it smells funny I will not eat it. I always order the same things at the same restaurants. I'm not really into trying anything new. I eat my burgers plain, because that's just too much going on in my mouth, lettuce and cheese, and onion and all of that. Ketchup. That's all I need.
Facial blindness: I hate it! It freaks me out when someone that I don't really know comes up to me in public, calls me by name and says, "do you remember me?". Goodness, I do that with half my relatives.
And these days the misanthropy is strong. At one time I thought I had beat my "strangeness", I was active in my old church, I had people to go out and hang with. But there were always those moments of social awkwardness. I look back and see that people were just tolerating me. These days I find discussion with others very hard, I get flamed by NTs for connecting things in a discussion that they themselves did not think of. I'm tired of that, and done interacting with most NTs. I'll smile as my husbands trophy when I show up at his (and my old) job, I'll go out when I have to go grocery shopping, or when I'm with someone I feel is safe. But other than that, I'm staying in this house.
It's getting to be too much. I'm tired of rejection by NTs. I'm not that bad.
I started to suspect that I might be an aspie through watching my son and seeing him experience some of the same things I did when I was young. Hopefully I'll be able to protect him better than I was protected. I stay to myself these days, but I can be a beast if I need to.
24 Aug 2012, 1:35 pm
