Parents Is this abusive?

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Ok when I was little(and to this day even though Im an adult) Id always be the one who gets accused of doing or taking something from my parents and adult authority figures, well Id always respectfully(or at least what Id view as respectfully) defend myself, and logically say I didnt do or take whatever it is that I was accused of doing/taking. Well this in turn would get authority figures/parents to say "stop back talking" and would make my punishment worse/longer. Well needless to say almost EVERY time it was PROVEN by someone else that I didnt do these things that I was accused of, and I NEVER got an apology and was still suspected to hold up my punishment(Even though I wasnt at fault).

I have tried ignoring the punishments(for things I didnt do) and would you know maybe play a game at a friends house. (that was the punishment "no playing games in this house for a week") well even though I was proven to be "innocent" of these things I was wrongly accused of before, I was still under the ban of "no playing games in this house for a week", and would get introuble with my parents if they found out that I was playing at a friends house... I dont get it, I was proven to be innocent so why was I still punished, and why wuold they add more on to the punishment? Besides I didnt disobey what they said about playing games in my house (thats right the house is partly in my name, cause I also paid for it as well), I was in a friends house playing games...(I would say this to them after they found out, and get in trouble AGAIN for "backtalking" and then Id say "how can my back physically talk?" and theyd get really mad saying "you know what I mean!" then Id say "no...."(confused) and theyd say "any person with a brain would know what Im referring too")

HELP? I didnt break any punishment rules, I was at afriends house playing games, not at my own...Also is this abuse OR misunderstandings?

Can someone please explain what Im doing to deserve this?!

Abusive is quite a strong word, but you have certainly been treated very unfairly. Sadly it's often the one that is considered the 'weakest' that is the scapegoat in life. People also don't seem to like backing down when they are wrong as it embarrasses them, so perhaps this is why the punishments remained even when it was proven you didn't do whatever it was. Maybe they also used the 'back talking' as an excuse to themselves for not taking the punishment away. There could also be resentment from them which made them feel justified in their treatment of you. Either way it's unfair.

Ok, I don't know how old you are. Were you dxed as having AS as a child before this stuff happened?

What is happening here is you are *very* literally interpretting what they have said. When they said "no games in the house" what they really meant in the NT world was "no games, period" and most NT would extrapolate this as the punishment. However by going to another friends house to play games you have the appearence of looking like you were trying to sircumvent the punishment, when in reality you were just taking your parents at their literal word. Then, even though you were shown to be innocent of the original crime, they continued the punishment as a punishment because you circumvented the original punishment. Hopefully that makes sense. This was the story of my childhood. I am not DXed but was always accused of back talking and finding looholes in rules as a kid becuase I took my parents at their literal word, absolute face value. Same thing with the back talking, you took it literally. You were confused, but to an NT assuming they are talking to an NT, that comes across as willfull sarcasm and disobiedience.

It isn't abuse, just strict and firm parenting. Regardless of whether or not you pilfered the items, your parents felt, in some fashion, that you were disrespecting them (by "back-talking" as you posted), thus the perceived need to punish you. When anyone in authority is wrong, they are embarrassed, as another poster pointed out. People in authority do not wish to lose their status and "honor," so they feel they must stand behind their decision(s). An apology and reversal of punishment would make them seem (and feel) weak, thus stripping them of their honor and power. Perhaps it's something more nefarious (disliking you for being abnormal and attempting to mold you into the being they desire), I cannot say for sure.

I'm not going to side with you or the parents, since I did not bear witness to the events; I have simply offered a possible explanation as to why the parents still punished you despite allegedly being proven innocent.

The problem is a misunderstanding because your parents do not understand that you take things literally. It does not (from what you describe) sound like abuse, just strictness, and maybe not understanding how you communicate.

In my case, I try to speak very literally to my son because I KNOW he will not understand me if I am not clear.

As others have said: "I do not want you playing games in this house," probably means "I do not want you playing games." If they are very bad communicators they may not have wanted you at a friend's place at all, and they maybe meant to ground you. Some parents add "this house," as emphasis, not to limit the punishment. It is poor communication.

The more authoritarian a parent is, the more he/she will be upset about "back talk." Some parents do not want to hear anything other than absolute agreement with what they say. I do not know if your parents are that way, but some are. My in-law's are like this, so They do not approve of us taking "back talk." Some parents get offended when their children try to dispute things because they think it means their authority is being questioned and they are being disrespected. Authoritarian parents hate this most of all.

Parents who are not quite this strict will interpret what you say as "back talk" if they feel that you are being a "smart alec" and using technical failures in their communications to justify doing something they think you know to be wrong or against stated rules. They may think you are looking for a way around their rules, and think you should know what they mean, even if you do not..

Becasue your parents are bad communicators, I would recommend that if what you want to do, is at all similar to what you were told not to do, that you ask before doing it.

ie.
"I don't want you eating cookies before dinner," would probably include any cake, ice cream, chips etc that may also reduce your appetite.
"Don't play World of Warcraft until you finish your homework," would probably include Halo, Facebook games, or anything you would rather do instead of homework. The intent of this statement would be your parents want you to work on homework before doing fun things.

You have to kind of interpret, if you can, why your parent made a rule, to figure out what goes with it.

I know you said you are an adult, now, so I do not know what applies now, and what does not. I hope this explains things. If your parents are rational people you could probably tell them (when you are not being punished so they do not interpret it as "back talk" that it is hard for you to interpret what they mean and ask that they try to give clearer instructions to you.

Not abusive. And I agree with others, based on what you have said it was most likely a misunderstanding based on not understanding how you communicate. It is very difficult for people to understand, because NTs process this kind of stuff without ever thinking about it or ever having to consciously learn it, so it seems very odd--or almost impossible--that someone wouldn't just "get it." It has only really been in trying to teach my son the subtleties of communication that I have realized how often communication is NOT literal.

I will never forget one time I was asking my son something. He ignored me. I asked him again. He ignored me again. I asked him again. He ignored me. I got frustrated and said "Are you going to answer me, or are you just going to sit there?" His answer? "I am just going to sit here." He was not trying to be a smart *ss. He was answering my question. This is before he was diagnosed, but I already had figured out that he didn't always "get" what people meant. So I let it go. But I will tell you, if that conversation would have happened with my dad when I was growing up, I would have gotten spanked.

Why was he ignoring you?

He didn't care to answer my question. I don't remember what it was anymore, but he preferred to just do what he was doing. His focus was on something else.

No but my grandmother(mother now) KNEW I was on the spectrum(without a dx then).
STILL they take things away from me, because I cant do things their way. My dad is a Michael Savage fan, and believes Im willing being disobient, AND NOT autistic. o.o
When I was little I used to get hit, and called sh** for brains, ret*d, slow, etc for not understanding things. I remember the bruises. They call themselves old fashioned in almost everything, including discipline, however my psychologist I see sometimes says "its a weird form of abuse"(,which she is working on with my possibly on the spectrum herself mother)... however "my dad is a lost cause"(according to her)
Now however I am an adult, and even though I work, go to school etc, my family is still trying to FORCE me to do things I cant do, and threaten to kick me out ifIdont do everything they demand I do,right then and there. They use the excuse of, "well I took care of you and my children when I was dog sick and tired from work." Well my response is,
"Im sorry I choose to be wise and not have children at my age, Im in school nearly full time and working to pay off the bills and rent, now if youll kindly excuse me I have somethings to put away." Then they get really mad, KNOWING I CANT do what they want me to right then and there. I believe having my hands full, obligates me to do somethings later. I have tried to do both at once and it doesnt work. I know atm it is not economically affordable and wise for me to move out/rent a room/get a roomate.As it is were barely above the poverty line. Both my parents are rightfully retired atm, and they did take me in(something else they use on me) which I am grateful for.
Anyways I know family is important, however they expect me to go meet their normal ways of living.(Which Ive doubted is normal, considering theyre not really social even though both read people very well, my dads a heavy smoker, politician(republican) .drinker, porn addict, so called Christian(doubtful),my mother is artsy, very smart considering her education level, reader, control freak, horrible temper, and Christian through and through).
I can understand why my parents might be uptight because of the above reasons, but still Im young and doing my best here to try to get along in society, and they keep tearing me down.Saying "you have to do this NOW, when are you going to grow up? Why are you so stupid?" Etc...
Advice? Help? Is my psycologist right(about the abuse part)?

Well this post is completely different from your first post. What you describe in your first post isn't abusive, but in the second post you describe verbal abuse.

If you live with them and they are forcing you to do things which you are truly unable to do because of a disability then you should call adult protective services.

Yes I delved into a bit more detail.
As for not being able to do normal things, I was taught chores in the normal way(what my family calls normal). I would like some help though about what is normal chores? How do people do normal chores?
What chores and things should normal people my age be doing?
When I was younger, being taught the normal way just made me frustrated. Infact until about 5 years ago I couldnt wash my hair normally. (15) I couldnt tie my shoes until about age 13ish. I couldnt button things... I took piano for 9+ years with an excellent teacher, played for hours and was only able to get to a level 3 in piano.

I am finally able to unload the dishwasher... I get confused about wear certain dishes go because mother changes the dishes every so often. I have "done" the dishes, and "done" the trash before, and got called names for not doing it normally. I take out the trash(clumsily), but get called retarted for not closig the trash can lid, and not putting a liner in the trash can/... I was only asked to "take out the trash" not do all this other stuff..... I hate the laundry too.... I get told to put the laundry in the laundry machine.. I do that, and I get yelled at becase I didnt put water, detergent, softener in the machine, and I didnt turn it on....WTF???? I just do what Im told...
Also I cant cook without making a giant mess, and need step by step SHORT ONE AT A TIME VERBAL instructions....

Its still the same when I was little. As a child, I was told to do these things, expected to automatically pick up on these chores, and somehow do them, without making mistakes, and without crying(I got frustrated cause I also have dyspraxia which makes almost anything involving muscles a real pain in the but). If I wasnt able to do normal chores...well lets just say I had alot of things taken away from me, and I got hit alot.

I have noticed though that some occupational therapy and my psychologist has helped alot. My mother is more lenient, and tries to help me with things, but my father is the "lost cause".my mother can be viewed somewhat as that sometimes, as well because she thinks Im more higher functioing than I appear, because I have reached some goals that were previously thought to be unattainable for me. However, He(my dad) still expects things to be taken care of IMMEDIATELY, NORMALLY and in a fast manner, when I get home from work and school, with my hands full, to serve his everywhim, and desire. If it wasnt for me and my mother, he wouldnt even eat!! !

Help please? I dont want to go to a group home...(my dad is saying I will becase no-one will want to take care of a "slow slob".

There is a form of abuse that involves, basically, setting someone up to fail. It is hard to know if that is involved because it is hard to know how much your parents do and do not understand about what you are actually capable of doing. If they truly don't believe that your handicaps are real, they may be intentionally ignorant and woefully bad parents as a result, but they wouldn't be abusive. But it is also possible that they use those theories as a cover, as an excuse to continually set you up to fail so that they can get angry at you.

I agree that some of the statements you have quoted are verbally abusive.

I have no patience for a "don't talk back" mentality, because it does result in unfair punishment. Yet that is the way many parents feel. I'll never get it. As hard as it is to be patient when you are angry and someone wants to challenge you, it is important in my opinion to allow the truth to come out. The problem is, of course, that kids tend not to focus on the appropriate facts in the moment and it all comes out as excuses. What I did was teach my kids to make their case once, and make it well. That takes a lot of practice and patience on both ends, at a time when no one feels like having patience, but I feel it is a life skill.

Unfortunately, it sounds like you have no good role models on communication. Why on earth would you launch into a life story explanation when what you really want to say is, "please allow me to put these items away first" ? That solution seems so obvious to me, and yet no one has bothered to help you sort out the pragmatics with that. Seeking out some pragmatic speech help would probably help you in multiple areas of your life, including with your parents, and I recommend you do that.

Beyond that, the answer is to move out on your own as soon as you can. Which I know is difficult, you struggle with so many of the things that are common struggles for aspies, but you can and will learn to overcome many of these issues if you can find the proper help.

As an adult you can also do some of the things for yourself that make life easier. For example, think of an airplane pilot, no matter how many takeoffs and landings they do, they always go through the checklist so that nothing is forgotten. You can begin making yourself a binder with lists of all the steps to be remembered for each task. You can then ask the positive people in your life to help you review the lists and be sure you have not forgotten anything.

For Example:

Take out trash
1) tie up bag and take trash out to bin
2) close bin lid
3) replace bag
4) close trash can lid
5) if there are 5 or less bags left in the box, write "buy trash bags" on the grocery list

You just have to make a habit of checking your lists after each task. It is much easier to check a written list than a mental list. And it does not imply stupidity. I mean airline pilots cannot be stupid, can they?

Some additional things that might be helpful:
pragmatic speech therapy
assertiveness training
State or government assistance on living on your own. (here in the us that would be SSI or DARS)
A life coach to help you hone your life skills

And remember, AS often means a developmental delay, so just because it is difficult for you now and others your age are not doing it, does not mean you will never do it. You just need time and patience. Never give up.

I am sorry that you feel so misplaced in your family and that they have no clue and do not understand you at all. Reach out to those around you who are a positive influence. Maybe you can find some surrogate parents who would see you as a blessing in their life and would be willing help you grow your wings (learn to be on your own)



Thats the ones that come to mind now.

I don't think you have said how old you are, and if so, I've missed it. You said you are an adult, so "normal" would be doing all the chores that need to be done. However, you still live at home and I know that I still do most of the chores around here and don't ask my kids to help much. When I do ask it's just for certain specific things.

Why not have them write down a list of chores they want you to do and when they want you to do them, and then an instruction sheet for each chore. I have AS too, but it's mild and I don't have difficulties with actually doing chores, my problem right now is more depression which makes me not motivated to do them (can't get my meds because of money issues at the moment).

As for a group home, it might be a good temporary answer, if you think about it. You could get out of there and be in an environment without all the pressure and negativity, and the staff there could help you learn to do the chores without screaming at you and making you nervous. That way you could learn to do the things you need to do so you can take care of yourself. Then you could get a job or disability or something and eventually move out on your own. I don't thnk group homes are like being committed to an insane asylum or something, where you can't get out. Maybe if you used it as a temporary place where you could get to where you need to be, then get your own place and not have anything to do with your parents.

I do not know if your therapist could help you with this. I am assuming so: You need help making a plan to get out of there. Your subsequent posts provided a lot of necessary detail. I don't think you are living in a healthy environment. I think your parents are abusive, given this added information.

I do not know if you are being asked to do an unreasonable amount of chores for your age/abilities given the rent you are paying, but you are clearly not being given the tools to get them done. Mastering this will help you, though, because you will need to know how to do these things on your own. This clearly needs to be your ultimate goal and motivations.

I would write down any of the "corrections" (even if they are yelled at you in a demeaning way) to your work, and try as Eureka-C, said to make lists of all the steps. If you have to, show them to your therapist so he/she can make sure you have not left anything important out.

I agree that you also will need pragmatic speech issues addressed, that it will help with a lot of things in life, not just with your parents(grandparents.).

Generally when you have parents that do not communicate well, when they something like, "Put the clothes in the washer" or "Start the laundry" they are referring to the entire job of doing laundry (probably even the dryer part, and maybe even putting the clothes into each person's room, though this may vary) Since your mom is the more reasonable one, I would try to get a list of everything you are expected to do, so you can make your lists. If she is an OK mood, maybe she will help you right out the steps. Try to think of this as practice for when you can live on your own, instead of having to do all their work for them.

This will help you at work. Your boss will give you his/her shortcut language for the entire task. You will be responsible for understanding instructions and doing all of what is meant, not just what is stated. So, again, look at learning how to decipher what your parents mean, as help for you.

I would really talk to your therapist about getting a plan together to get you out of there. Even if it will take awhile to accomplish all the steps, seeing an end in sight, might make you feel better.

Oh yes at work I have things stated clearly to me. I have mastered the step by step parts of work. (For the most part). As for home my mother is open, and is trying to help me be prepared for life,however she has other painful conditions that make her grumpy. (She doesnt mean too be grumpy, it just happens).
As for **chores**, I can make my own bed, vacuum the house, sweep, dust, windex things, take care of the animals(with the exception of the litter box as we believe I have an allergy to all litter).I can cook some things, but asking questions about cooking instructions usually gets me called names since its obvious to NTs about what to do.

My mother is a pretty much you dont have sugar,caffeine, any food allergies type, and shes a clean freak as well. My dad just does what she says to gether to "shut the eff up"(according to him) and proceeds to berate her when shes not around.
Anyways I have come up with a list that maybe some of you could help me with(please)?
I need to learn to drive(I have my permit, but I dont have any cash for driving lessons), Id like to learn how to properly bathe, how to cook allergen free foods from scratch as this is often cheaper then buying organic or allergen free foods at the store. Id like to learn how to do laundry properly, take out the trash, sew things, learn how to properly do a checkbook, mow the lawn, and give my animals baths(my doggie mainly). Lastly Id like to learn how to manage my time well.

And btw for those who have asked Im 20, and my **therapist** has helped, and thinks Im high functioing contrary to what my parents think(thing is with paying rent, utilities, gas and stuff) I cant afford to see her as often as Id like. I get to see her once a month. Id like to see her every 2weeks if possible.

Iwould like to add that I havent mastered the chores I listed up above, but I was only able to do them AFTER seeing my therapist. (It only took about 3 visits to get these chores learned in such a way to where I dont struggle much with them). She gave me fun tricks to do when doing these things. I believe I wrote I went and took piano for 9 years and only got to alevel 3. I took martial arts for 3 yearsand practived my ass off, but I only stayed a white belt because I couldnt keep up motor wise(dyspraxia =fine and gross motor issues for me).